you've been posting on az for almost 9 yrs. You have almost 2000 posts. if you were to look back on these posts, you would note that you are always symptomatic with many of the same things you've been talking about here in the last few months. You would note that you are continually anxious and feeling at your wits end or like you are being "driven to insanity". I do think you could learn a great deal about what is really going on in your life by just reading all of your posts over the years. It would show you that anxiety IS running your life. IDK if that would be enough of a wake up to you that you really need to deal with your anxiety or not, but, hey, I am just throwing that out there. Because, yeah, you have an anxiety disorder that just isn't being managed well or at all.
From my perspective: You just seem to be not only shooting yourself in the foot over and over but also pouring salt into the wound. You can't even begin healing until you stop doing these things to yourself.