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Author Topic: "Transgender OCD"?  (Read 137 times)

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Offline hunterk

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"Transgender OCD"?
« on: September 01, 2014, 08:21:16 PM »
Hi, I'm new to this, and I could use some advice or help. It gets kind of personal so I'm sorry if it seems like too much information at times.
For about a month now I have been having transgender thoughts, and I don't know if I'm actually transgender (I'm male). It's probably important that I mention that I'm gay because I think that plays a role in it. So, I recently accepted myself as gay and came out to my close friends and parents, and more people I know are beginning to find out and that makes me feel great. I feel like myself when I think about it. I did this maybe about two or three months back. I had always felt bad about it, typical denial and acceptance stuff. But last month I began questioning my gender identity for a reason I don't know. I saw a show with a drag queen/ or trans* person (I'm not really sure), and it seems like it triggered it. Since then I keep getting intrusive thoughts about it, I can distract myself sometimes with daily things, but once I'm bored I think about it. On bad days I feel severely depressed. I began thinking I was trans* but I just couldn't come to an answer as to what identity I could be. I thought mostly female, and so I began researching indicators of male-to-female transgenders, and I didn't really find much that fit me, but I still wasn't content. Long story short, I kept looking that up and I still can't find any place of happiness. I never questioned this before, only until that show. When I think about the possibility of being trans I get sick, and I tell myself that I need to accept the possibility, that there's nothing wrong with it, but that doesn't work. Earlier today I just found out about HOCD and transgender OCD. I feel like I relate to sufferers of TOCD more than a transgender person. I haven't been diagnosed with OCD, but I. nor my parents have ever discussed the possibility with my doctor, or even each other. I do have weird tendencies; before falling asleep I check the lock on my door what seems like a thousand times before feeling comfortable to sleep. My father has been diagnosed with OCD and anxiety, if that is relevant. I just feel so confused and not confident about myself anymore. I start school in a few days and it's my senior year and I really don't want the possibility of depression to be there when I'm supposed to be celebrating. Thanks for reading my situation and help would be great. I plan on talking to my parents tonight about this. I have talked to my mother about the possibility of being female, and she said they'd still love me, but I still didn't feel better. So does this sound like OCD or more like denial? Either way I need to talk to my doctor about seeing a therapist, or a gender therapist depending on his opinion. Thanks.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: "Transgender OCD"?
« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2014, 04:47:09 PM »
It sounds more like confusion more than anything else. You have always accepted that you were gay. You took a big step and began to tell people. That takes courage. This is were I don't see the OCD side of things. I think a lot of people with OCD or intrusive thoughts would not tell others because they would be playing over what others might think of them in their heads. Over and over and over. But you came out. You can be proud of yourself for doing so. Now that you have come out I wonder are you simple questioning the whole thing of what exactly is a gay male. Not just accepting it is a simple case of you are attracted to other males. You have taken it a step further. Only after you saw the programme on TV. That showed you this other side of things. Opened a much wider door. One that made you think about the whole thing. Whether you were trans gender or not. Is that the whole reason for you been gay. Simply looking for answers that are not really there. Instead of accepting you are just a normal gay male. OCD can run in the family. It doesn't have to. You could see your father and think you will end up like him. That doesn't have to be the case. Checking locks means nothing really. The TV programme has got into your head. I am sure before that you never thought of yourself as female. But some gay people like the idea. If they were born in the wrong body it is like they have an answer for who they really are. Why they are attracted to males. Though I seriously don't think all those who claim to be trans gender really are. With some it was an answer for them. Why am I gay. Oh here is the answer. For others it is real. But those others would have dressed as females nearly all their lives. They would have acted as females too. Thus they consider themselves born the wrong sex. This is all only something new to you. So take your time with things. If you think talking will help see a therapist. See if anything comes of that. But be yourself. Be proud too. You took a big step that a lot of people fear taking.
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Offline hunterk

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Re: "Transgender OCD"?
« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2014, 06:22:49 PM »
It sounds more like confusion more than anything else. You have always accepted that you were gay. You took a big step and began to tell people. That takes courage. This is were I don't see the OCD side of things. I think a lot of people with OCD or intrusive thoughts would not tell others because they would be playing over what others might think of them in their heads. Over and over and over. But you came out. You can be proud of yourself for doing so. Now that you have come out I wonder are you simple questioning the whole thing of what exactly is a gay male. Not just accepting it is a simple case of you are attracted to other males. You have taken it a step further. Only after you saw the programme on TV. That showed you this other side of things. Opened a much wider door. One that made you think about the whole thing. Whether you were trans gender or not. Is that the whole reason for you been gay. Simply looking for answers that are not really there. Instead of accepting you are just a normal gay male. OCD can run in the family. It doesn't have to. You could see your father and think you will end up like him. That doesn't have to be the case. Checking locks means nothing really. The TV programme has got into your head. I am sure before that you never thought of yourself as female. But some gay people like the idea. If they were born in the wrong body it is like they have an answer for who they really are. Why they are attracted to males. Though I seriously don't think all those who claim to be trans gender really are. With some it was an answer for them. Why am I gay. Oh here is the answer. For others it is real. But those others would have dressed as females nearly all their lives. They would have acted as females too. Thus they consider themselves born the wrong sex. This is all only something new to you. So take your time with things. If you think talking will help see a therapist. See if anything comes of that. But be yourself. Be proud too. You took a big step that a lot of people fear taking.

I'm sorry, I left quite a bit out. Yes, I never had these feelings before about being transgender. I hadn't always accepted myself as gay though, whenever I thought about it I felt horrible and sick and wanted to cry, but with that  I was able to suppress that. But with this I can't. I tell myself that I'm just getting used to my identity, and I need to give myself time, and if I'm possibly trans I just need to give myself time either way to figure it out. But the thought of it still doesn't go away. It interrupts my other thoughts and it snowballs into dozens of thoughts all processing at one time and I can't really stop it. I know that they are more of thoughts than feelings. Because I was able to suppress my homosexual feelings. This issue I'm finding impossible to do that. The only thing I can do right now is distract myself temporarily. I've also had some days where I've constantly thought that I'm goign to grow up to be a serial killer, a pedophile, tons of things even though I know none of it's true. But I seemed hooked on this.
So anyway, I never had gender dysphoria before this, or even now. I don't want to be female, I have no desire really. But I sometimes think that if I happened to be born female I guess I wouldn't mind. Although it's very hard for me to even imagine being female. And I'm not sure if I'm looking for answers. I was out to friends and family for maybe two months and everything was great. Before coming out I asked myself if I wast this or that, and transgender and I came to the conclusion that I'm just gay. I'm completely content being a gay male, but these thoughts keep telling me I'm wrong with no logic to them.
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Offline AdrienK

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Re: "Transgender OCD"?
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2014, 07:49:18 PM »
"I don't want to be female, I have no desire really. But I sometimes think that if I happened to be born female I guess I wouldn't mind. Although it's very hard for me to even imagine being female."

I think you answered your own question, actually.

Quick thing before I start: Dysphoria isn't about hating your body, it's just a disconnect. I use the metaphor of I feel like a puzzle.

I'm a puzzle, and someone has taken the pieces that were originally mine, tossed them away, and just replaced them with pieces that aren't meant for my puzzle. Now the fact that these pieces aren't mine goes unnoticed by many people, but I notice. It feels very wrong, and very weird to have the pieces I have.

But what I meant by "I think you answered your own question." is you said that you don't want to be a female, and well... trans women are female and there isn't any "I want to be female" in it. They are female, but their bodies don't exactly match up, so you might hear things like "I just wish I was born female!" ...Which is really just saying "I just wish I was born with the correct body!"

The last bit, you saying it's hard for you to imagine being a female... I'm a trans man, meaning I'm female-to-male. Picturing myself as a female is something that's incredibly hard for me to do, and when I do manage it, it's upsetting. Usually the first thing someone tells a questioning person is "Picture yourself in x years as a female, and now a male." If that person is a trans women, picturing themselves as a male would be upsetting and(or) impossible, while picturing themselves as female is just...right. And vice versa for trans men.

If you are transgender, it will surface when you're ready. It took me 10 years to accept it. If right now you say you're a gay male, then you're a gay male, and if in 10 years you realize that no, you're actually a straight trans woman... That's okay. Both are scary conclusions to come to, and you'll do so in your own time. But you did say you feel like yourself as a gay male, which I think says a lot.

Before I go, just this one thing: "But I sometimes think that if I happened to be born female I guess I wouldn't mind."
The thing about this is that people who are transgender don't actually have this option. For language sake, we'll say I was born a female due to my body. Now if I had been born a male, I'd be 100% happy and I wouldn't be transgender because I feel and am a boy already, so being born with the correct body would just be very nice. And since I was born female, I already know I'm unhappy. See what I mean?

This is mostly to do with being transgender, but perhaps what I've said might give a bit of peace to your mind.

As for therapists, I'd suggest seeing one (or maybe even a psychologist). Getting a proper diagnosis sounds like it would benefit you.
Good luck.
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