I am so tired of anxiety/panic. Im starting to think it would be a good thing if I had one of the awful diseases my brain comes up with just so I could die. I'm not suicidal...would never do that to my kids or husband but I feel so hopeless. Just when I start to feel better or I get clearance from a dr about something I get another symptom and drum up another disease. I thought I had a bladder infection so I went to the Dr yesterday but the tests came back negative. By the time I got home the sensation in my bladder had disappeared but the cramping in my abdomen and stomach continued. So then I move onto HIV...I must have that. Even all the things I tell myself of why I don't have it don't calm me down (probability, reasoning). My dr said I can take a test but I refused because I don't want to keep doing tests just to calm me down. I want to get through these things without running to the DR. Ive had a colonoscopy, endoscopy, MRI, Cat Scan, and ultrasound all within the last two years. NOTHING shows up.
I am on Paxil and Ativan. I started to wean myself off the Ativan after being on it consistently for 2 weeks to get me through a bad episode. Im wondering if that is whats causing all my symptoms now. Nausea, stomach cramps, not wanting to eat....I do see a therapist weekly and she had helped me tremendously. On Tuesday I will be trying a new brainspotting technique for Hypocondria. Im excited to be part of this study. At this point I am desperate for anything to get me out of this hole Im in.