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Author Topic: Think I'm dying again, and I'm sick of it  (Read 481 times)

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Offline heartbeatingheavy

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Think I'm dying again, and I'm sick of it
« on: August 19, 2014, 04:13:15 PM »
Backstory:
4 years ago thought I had brain tumor/cancer/disease, eventually ended up with a head CT and blood work. All normal.
Last year ended up in ER thinking I was having a stroke/heart attack/aortic aneurysm, got hooked up to an EKG, chest x-ray, and chest CT with contrast, all normal. Blood work again, everything tested from thyroid issues to HIV, all clear.

After the ER scare, went on Lexipro (terrible, terrible stuff), self medicated with Xanax (even worse stuff if used with reckless abandon), got a new doc a few months ago, and he set me straight with Zoloft (25mg) and a very small dosage of Xanax as a "just in case".

Currently, however, I'm relapsing and I think I have brain issues again. I'm suffering from depersonalization, confusion, dizziness, light headedness, inability to focus, memory loss (maybe), mental fumbling, and pretty much any and all issues in, on, or around cognitive construction. It's even affecting me physically, in that it feels as though my hair is standing on end and I can "feel" my scalp. It's like when I was having heart issues and I could "feel" my heart beat for 3 days straight, although you never do any other time.

Anyway, if you've made it this far (and I feel for you if you did), I'll assume you can understand my frustration. All I want to do is go straight to the doctor and request an MRI of my skull and a stress test, along with blood work. But really, will that make things better? I mean, the last time I was in the predicament, I thought, "Ok, just a head CT, then I'll be fine". Then it was, "Ok, just a chest CT, then I'll be fine". Every time, good news comes back, I'm all clear, and I think I can be normal again.

So I'm coming to you again, Anxiety Zone, help a fellow narcissist out in their time of confused need. The symptoms that I'm suffering from, can they be related to a greater issue? Should I force my doctor to ask for these tests for me? Has anybody been misdiagnosed with anxiety?

What should I do?
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Offline Jazeraca

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Re: Think I'm dying again, and I'm sick of it
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2014, 05:05:13 PM »
"Fellow narcissist"?
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Dx: GAD, DESNOS, Fibro and other physical issues. Nothing serious, but of course my anxious mind will often find something very serious as with other things in my life. Anxiety is a fraud. Anxiety is not YOU or ME, it is an illness.

Offline heartbeatingheavy

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Re: Think I'm dying again, and I'm sick of it
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2014, 07:04:54 PM »
"Fellow narcissist"?

Well yeah, we all are to a certain degree, whether we want to be or not. While I'm using it a bit out of context here, and I yes I do understand the negative connotation that comes with the term (excuse my dry humor), I think it applies because we're all here on the assumption that doctors, people that have spent 12+ years at a degree granting institution, diagnosed us incorrectly. And thus, our self-pride stares directly in the face of reality and goes, "No, I'm different. I'M the rare exception. I REALLY do have (insert 10 second Google diagnosis here)."

Please excuse my phrasing, I meant no harm. I apologize if you took offense, I was just, in my own bizarre sense, grouping us together as a band of "medical misfits". Also too, I projected some of my frustration through the term because I, personally, ABHOR anxiety. I'm smart, I'm active, I'm very capable, very "with it". And yet, for some reason, a few years ago my mind decided to go on the fritz for no apparent reason. I don't like not having an answer. Hell, that is, in a nutshell, my day job. Providing answers for problems that seem to happen beyond our control. And so, this anxiety thing is just...so frustrating.

This is why I'm in the predicament that I'm in, the belief that this anxiety thing is nothing but hogwash and haberdashery and there must be something intimately wrong with me. There must be a physical reason, a chemical imbalance, a tumor, a weak artery, a rare virus, SOMETHING that makes me feel like this. To go from normal, perfect everyday life to one of crippling anxiety where I'm nothing more than a shell of my former self strictly because of the "belief" that I'm sick...why? why why why.

I just want my life back.
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Offline Jazeraca

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Re: Think I'm dying again, and I'm sick of it
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2014, 07:10:40 PM »
Gotcha.

Your symptoms sound like brain fog, a side effect of a psychiatric med or anxiety. Maybe even insomnia. I get those frequently and they are always, for me, a symptom of any of the previous three. Well, possibly fibromyalgia too. But honestly, those sound like classic anxiety symptoms. CT scan would've picked up on brain cancer, bleeding or something really sinister.
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Dx: GAD, DESNOS, Fibro and other physical issues. Nothing serious, but of course my anxious mind will often find something very serious as with other things in my life. Anxiety is a fraud. Anxiety is not YOU or ME, it is an illness.

Offline heartbeatingheavy

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Re: Think I'm dying again, and I'm sick of it
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2014, 07:19:39 PM »
Thank you.

And again, sorry for the negativity. Sometimes I just get so flustered and I, unfortunately, vent at strangers who are only trying to help. What is really doing a number on me is that I've been doing so good. I was accepting of it, I got anxiety. Ok, cool, let's cope and move past this. But then, these past few days, I started to feel like I did a few years ago, and in the back of my head I'm thinking, "Hey now, I've accepted you. I accept anxiety. I already danced to this song, I don't wanna do it again. Hmm, must be serious. I have meningitis"

And so, now I'm here. Again.
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Offline sixpack

  • no illogical conclusions please
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Re: Think I'm dying again, and I'm sick of it
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2014, 07:39:31 PM »
Well QUITE an interesting post.  I enjoy a guffaw now and again   :yes:   :winking0008:

don't worry I didn't take offense.  I thought it was kinda 'ballsy"--well sorta   :laugh3:


I see you are new here and at the risk of sounding narcissistic   (hehe )  I am going to post some of my links that I blather on about on anxiety.  One is a symptom list.  at any rate, I am not an anxiety guru.  I am just an older soul who has been around the block. I spend some time here  sharing my experiences and opinions that I have come to over the last few years.

http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,60476.0.html

http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,67619.0.html

http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,89766.0.html

http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,90236.msg503590.html#msg503590


good luck and be well


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MOST anxiety occurs on a subconscious level.  JUST because you don't feel consciously anxious or had a day or two of calm doesn't mean your mind & body are relaxed.  It can take months of reduced anxiety before a body goes back to a more non-reactive state

Offline heartbeatingheavy

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Re: Think I'm dying again, and I'm sick of it
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2014, 10:18:35 PM »
Sounding narcissistic? Why of course not, Mr. Sixpack. ;)

Thank you very much for all the links and for looking past my brash wit. I look forward to reading them.
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Offline jamesob

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Re: Think I'm dying again, and I'm sick of it
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2015, 04:54:28 PM »
Hey there, heartbeatingheavy.

Great forum handle! I can relate ;).

Just came across this post, and I wanted to say that I think you're right on. I'm in the same place (mentally) all the time, and it's really frustrating. I've experienced (and still experience) every symptom you list in your first post. I've been stone terrified of something being wrong with my heart or head, and each time I go to a doc the result is pretty much the same: an EKG or neurological examination shows no abnormalities. Had a CT scan 5 years ago after some unexplained diplopia, but since then haven't had any scans done. I keep thinking that the docs are missing something, and that my case is somehow a zebra.

The reality there is that many others on this forum have expressed the presence of the same symptoms we're describing, and they're all "fine" from a physiological perspective.

Let us know how you're doing if you get a chance.
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Offline AnxiousTurtle

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Re: Think I'm dying again, and I'm sick of it
« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2015, 11:26:06 PM »
The symptoms you've listed are all pretty common among anxiety sufferers. They are most likely due to your anxiety or depression (if you have it).

Regarding this...

But then, these past few days, I started to feel like I did a few years ago, and in the back of my head I'm thinking, "Hey now, I've accepted you. I accept anxiety. I already danced to this song, I don't wanna do it again. Hmm, must be serious. I have meningitis"

I tend to consider my anxiety as a chronic condition. Just like some people have diabetes, and they have to manage it life long, I think I have to manage my anxiety life long. However, it doesn't mean that I will be in the grips of the worst anxiety attack all the time, it just means that under times of stress, it's where my head goes. So when I am stressed at work, I tend to start noticing random physical symptoms. To me, my anxiety is actually a warning system that there is something off kilter in my life (generally stress). My anxiety is just a part of me, and it will come and go. There will be points in my life that it gets worse, but it also gets better. And like any chronic condition, it gets easier to manage. So rather than being debilitated with fear for weeks, it becomes day, then it becomes a day, then hours, then minutes.
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I am not a doctor. Nothing I post should be taken as medical advice. If you are seeking medical advice, please see a doctor.

Anxiety is never cured through avoidance. Get help and face your fears. You can do it!!

Offline heartbeatingheavy

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Re: Think I'm dying again, and I'm sick of it
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2015, 07:38:57 AM »
I'm glad to see that months later this post is still helping people cope with crushing, debilitating chronic anxiety. Keep on.
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