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Author Topic: Help With Spouse  (Read 168 times)

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Offline Trying

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Help With Spouse
« on: August 18, 2014, 08:40:39 AM »
I need some help, desperately.  I have mild anxiety issues, they rear their ugly head when I am under stress but I have been pushed over the edge in the last year into full blown anxiety.  About everything!  The sad thing is, I know the cause.  My husband.

Hubby has always had HA, some times worse than others.  Well the last year has been pure heck.  It is slowly destroying us, ruining our financial stability and as I said has pushed me over the edge into my own anxiety nightmare.  It started with colon cancer (different tests including colonoscopy, nothing wrong), then it moved on to heart issues (every test you can imagine, follow ups with primary dr and cardiologist, nothing wrong), after that it was digestive issues, to the point of hysterics (more dr visits and tests, again nothing).  We have now rotated back to heart issues.  Every day it is something else, sneezing, sore throat, digestive issues, racing heart, trouble breathing, bug bite, headache etc.  It is now to the point that he is not happy with any of the three different drs he has and is looking for new ones.

At this point we have paid out over 15% of our salary from last year in medical expenses/copays etc.  Not to mention what we pay in insurance premiums and lost pay for days off.  He has told me I don't believe him, am being unsupportive, I don't understand, I am sure you know the rest.  I have tried, and tried, and tried and am being as supportive as possible, every time something comes up I tell him to go to the dr.  I schedule and confirm appointments, pick up prescriptions, take days off of work to take him to appts if he can't drive after tests.  This is all on top of my 60 hour per week job!  I make sure we spend as much time as possible together having fun and doing things we have always enjoyed together.

This has pushed my own anxiety/stress level over the edge.  When I'm at work I am worrying about home things, when I'm at home I am worry about work stuff.  I lay down to go sleep at night and my mind starts racing.  I worry that something is going to happen and I will lose my job and we will lose everything (I earn a bit more), I worry that I am being a *itch and there really is something wrong, even though he has a myriad of tests and nothing has been found.  I worry that I am not being supportive enough, that there is something else I should be doing.

Countless hours have been spent scouring the internet looking for some form of help.  I have lurked on various HA message boards to try and understand and wrap my head around what he is going through.

I...don't...know...what...to...do...anymore!  I am frustrated, upset, sad.  Help me, is there more that I could be doing?  Is there something that I shouldn't be doing?
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Offline TyeDyedButterfly

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Re: Help With Spouse
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2014, 09:22:25 AM »
Hi Trying,

I think you also have to take care of yourself and know that if something isn't done to get him some help like therapy and meds to help him get through all he feels then this wont end he will continue with the Hypochondria and just get worse I know because I am the one with the mental health issues in my marriage but I do not run to the er anymore I do not run to doctors all the time I don't keep my husband stressed out as much now he does do the grocery shopping and some other things but nothing huge and he gets out and enjoys life and he works also hangs with his friends because I want him too and I don't want to be a burden on him or anyone.

The thing is with Mental Health each person is different no one is exactly alike and we all suffer differently and he is suffering without a doubt but he has to be in Therapy and he needs more Help then you can offer based on what you have typed out and soon if you will need it also but I think you need Therapy also to help you get through this because it is a lot and you are going into overload and that is what happened to me I finally got burnt down to nothing and broke due to so many stressors in my life from childhood into adulthood we can only take so much until we break so Please do what you can for you too and know YOU Matter!

He does sound like he may have been born with a mental health issues and as time has went on and as he is aging it is getting worse and as we all know we will eventually have something wrong we don't leave earth alive so we set and worry our days away I Pray he gets some help and can live life fully!
Please take care of you too!

Peace
Tye
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PEACE, LOVE AND HAPPINESS !

God is Good all the Time! All the Time God is Good! :)

Offline Trying

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Re: Help With Spouse
« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2014, 09:32:20 AM »
Tye, thank you for your response, it brought me to tears.  At his last dr visit he was given Xanax (.25) to use as needed.  One of the biggest issues is he will not admit that he has a problem.  He honestly believes there is something wrong that all of the drs are missing, thus, the reason for finding new drs.

I have made an appt. with our GP to discuss my own anxiety issues and plan on speaking to him re hubby.  I am hoping if I can get my own anxiety under control it will help me to help him and be a better, more supportive wife.

You are 100% right, I am in overload right now.  I am juggling many balls and at some point something is going to drop and it is all going to come crashing down.  I think that is my biggest fear.
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Offline cali4niay

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Re: Help With Spouse
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2014, 01:16:13 PM »
Is he willing to get on this site and join?
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Offline Trying

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Re: Help With Spouse
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2014, 02:15:31 PM »
Absolutely not, he does not think he has a problem.  I guess where I really need help is getting him to admit he has a problem.  I wish I could get him here, there are so many posts that resonate with me as far as his behavior.  There are so many that sound so familiar to me.
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Offline seemeblue

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Re: Help With Spouse
« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2014, 02:35:59 PM »
That's interesting that he doesn't think he has a problem... I agree with Tye that he needs to seek counseling. He could also try group therapy. I think that what helps for couples who are struggling with mental illness is that everyone does their part to improve the livelihood of the other. That means doing what each other can to overcome the anxiety. Please let us know if he does go to seek help. Also, good luck in your own counseling.

One thing to keep in mind -- and what I think a lot of us might struggle with -- is that seeking mental health counseling is a long-term commitment, not a temporary fix. Don't give it up when everything seems to be better, because there is a chance that the anxiety will just come back. I'm speaking from experience here. *hugs*
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Offline cali4niay

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Re: Help With Spouse
« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2014, 02:46:40 PM »
Can you share with him that you joined this site, based upon your HA...and maybe include him by saying "hey check this out, this person sounds just like me" or something of the sort?
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Offline Trying

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Re: Help With Spouse
« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2014, 02:51:56 PM »
Thanks so much.  I will let you know what happens.  I keep telling myself that after the next test it will be better, but that just isn't happening, and I think I know in my heart that is just a delusion.  I am going to focus on myself now.  I will continue to be as supportive as I can, but right now I really need to get my anxiety level down.

I might try that Cali.

One thing that was suggested and I am trying is that I have started keeping a log of the different complaints every day.  I want to do this for a few weeks and maybe showing him all of the different complaints/maladies will help him see that there is an issue.  With my luck this will backfire and make him worse, but I am at my wits end.
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