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Author Topic: verbally abusive husband  (Read 365 times)

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Offline kina

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verbally abusive husband
« on: August 17, 2014, 10:48:29 PM »
Hi all I have been married for 14 yrs and we have been together for 17 now everyone has a temper this I know but my husband has a nasty attitude and temper in the home and out around others he even has a rep at church and work but it seems more lately he dosent care how he talks to me around others including our kids. Today alone going to church with our son, daughter, and his sister in the car he called me a stupid ass then during church he slipped in "if the shoe fits wear it" then tonight he tells me go the ***** on and don't say ***** to him  all we were doing was having agroup conversation about our son going out with friends. Yet again we had another person in the car!!!!! We have been in counseling for about 7 months for his temper. I'm at my wits end. people keep coming to me asking why is he like that towards me and how do Iput up with it. He thinks I'm making that up even our kids sneak and ask When are his off days for the week because they hate it at times when he is home.when he isn't here the house is so mellow and laid back.but when he is he at times nit picks and fusse sooooooooo much

We argue about it and he has the same line oh you act like you perfect what did you to me and the answer is always the same I HAVE NOTHING TO YOU THAT DESERVES THAT TYPE OF REACTION

any advice would be great I always come here for anxiety advice this time I figure why not ask for relationship advice, because this sure affects my anxiety
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Offline tinam7

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Re: verbally abusive husband
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2014, 07:52:11 AM »
As long as the abuse does not turn physical you have a chance. He is going to counseling which is a big plus. Many men would refuse.

While others disagree with me, your primary goal is to get him to control himself in front of the children. Try to maintain your family unit. My guess is he came from an abusive home himself, is insecure with low self-esteem and a low sense of self-worth. So he tries to boost himself up by putting you down. You get to play shrink with him. You must become super shrink. Praise him whenever you can and let the rest go. Do not fault yourself. To know a person we need to know the dynamics of where he grew up. Often impossible to know.

Also, in the old days it was believed men needed women to civilize them. Another job some women sign up for when they say "I do." If there were no children you could walk away. But the children need him, esp. as they get older. Take the high road and focus on the good. The rewards for your children and, in turn, you can be worth all the effort. Is it easy? No. But can be done.
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Offline kina

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Re: verbally abusive husband
« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2014, 10:01:42 PM »
I DEFINITELY see your point it was last year when he finally agreed to go to counselling. He grew up the only boy out of 5 and with very loving single mom his dad was around occasionally but not in the home so I believe that also plays a part he was also a momma boy
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Offline tinam7

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Re: verbally abusive husband
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2014, 07:47:16 AM »
Am so glad you are taking my post in the positive way it is meant, even as it is likely to be difficult at times to make up for his early circumstances. He was not lucky then, but he is so lucky with you and your dear children.

He wants to be a better father and you can help him to be just that. Understanding the past is the first big step to dealing with it. Keep the faith, as the saying goes. Genuine love can conquer all. And we try to be here to be supportive.
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Offline CrazyD3an

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Re: verbally abusive husband
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2014, 04:03:48 PM »
i don't know whether you are still finding answer but i have some similarity to this, and may be i can help.
       i am a man and i have some similarities(although i have now control over my tongue after many bitter experiences). That sometimes people gets temper and gets angry because from core there is some expectation that is not satisfied. and the person cannot express what he/she wants and eventually ends up getting out frustration through words. Other reason can be your husband might have some other problem, say work problem and he is getting it out on you. while, all needed is a peaceful you and him talk.(no children around). i might be some or totally wrong but it's worth giving a try. i myself sometimes get irritated and angry that i give any weird and offensive answers to my family. sometimes, it is also possible that he needs some time alone. may be so much is going on around and it might take a moment to dwelt in. but, still never lose hope. as with two children and 15+ years of married life will sure give you solution.
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Even if i can't be helpful to someone, i will never ever harm anyone.

Offline tinam7

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Re: verbally abusive husband
« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2014, 07:57:58 AM »
How nice that you join in giving the important male perspective. Men have become more involved with typical women's work such as caring for children and home.

On my walks I notice more men pushing strollers and kiddies are happy. I have the illusion that this is how we create a better world (!).
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Offline kina

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Re: verbally abusive husband
« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2014, 01:13:39 AM »
Ty crazy Dan for the insight from the male point of view
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