Hi. I have made a few posts about this topic but i dont feel as if i got a clear answer, im sorry and no offence.
Warning: This is long =)
I have been having physical and mental health anxiety for more than 6 months and currently belive i have two things.
One is having throat cancer and Two is having NPD.
I have, before thinking i had NPD, belived i had/was both Sociopath, Psychopath, AsPD, Borderline, Scizhoprhrenic, and possible more. The worst was sociopath because i was scared i was never gonne feel love, or have any true emotions and that my lifee had been a lie.
My pDoc said that the only thing that is wrong with me is my ADHD (Hyper Kinetic Conduct Disorder) and there is nothing else, else they wouldve seen it since they been with me for about 6-8 months.
However this NPD thing really gets me to wonder and really makes me worried and i OBSESS about it. Its all i think about its all i can talk about. I have ruined my relationship with my girlfriend since i started to fear mental illness because it was all i cared about. You can say i have had a relationship with my anxiety and not a relationship with her.
I dont know if this is what Healt Anxiety does or if i really have some of these symptoms.
I am aware that everyone have narc traits in some way or another.
I dont know if it is my mind that makes me think i have some of these symptoms or if my mind is making them worse than they really are. And ill go over the basics that i know in my head.
Note: I dont want to be a narc, i want to be 'normal' ( no offence if that came out wrong) and just experience love, happyness.. everything
Lack of empathy: I took an online test twice and scored under avage both times. I know you cant trust an online test but somewhere it must say something about me anyways. (i took the test quick without really thinking the different answers through)
I can feel bad for another person. I can litterely cry if i can see another person is happy/surpriced because i feel their happyness. I can feel bad if i see one get bullied. If one looks unhappy, Have a hard time or stuff like that. Something concerns me.
I will give a few exambles of where i have felt empathy. (These are from one of my recent posts)
"I saw a video on youtube.. All this guy wanted to do was sing.. His whole life people have told him he couldn sing.. that he had a terrible voice.. Then he was gonne sing infront of a few thousands.. He was crying of nervousness..
When he started to sing and you could see the audience loved it and he enjoyed it..
When he was done people stood up. They clapped. I could see how happy he was.. I felt happy for him.. I honestly started crying a little bit cause i could see how happy he was.
I saw a tv show.. This guy was driving around with unsecured fireworks.. Police caught him and said how much the ticket would be and you could see the sadness in his expression right away.. The police offer then said he wasnt going to give it to him cause it wasnt to much he had done wrong.. I felt happy, reliefed.. I felt bad for this guy AFTER i saw how happy he was that he didn get the ticket.. i fell bad cause he just thought he was gonne get a huge ticket and the look on his face screamed 'sadness' But the look on his face after made me feel happy?
I was playing an online game and i saw 3 guys bully him.. at first i was kinda like 'haha this is funny to read' But after a lil i thought 'i wouldn wanne be in this situation' and i felt bad for him.. I private messaged him and told him not to care what they said.. I agreed with him..
I dont do alot at home for my mother.. Shes sick but still do all chores.. I seem to forget it and just think like 'im used to her doing it all she can handle it' But sometimes i get these moments where i feel so bad for her.. I will start to clean the kitchen to suprice her and see her happy."
Mr always right: That is me. If i have an argument or a verbal fight i always belive im right. I try to view the other persons point but i dont know if i care enough to. I just belive im right, and if im proven wrong and i know i am wrong, if i had already said im right i will be to embarrased to admit im wrong and the argument just goes on forever. I have also been told i twist sentences and make them logical into that im the one whos right. I dont like the fact IF i actually do this.
I cant never ever make up my mind. If i make a decision i will change my mind right after because i think its the wrong. I always ask for others opinion with a decision and still cant deside..
I am a shy person. I will not talk at all in socisl activities (special if there are new people i havent met yet) I feel as everyone stares at me. I feel discomfort uncomfteble (typos) If i walk down the street i feel as everyone is looking at me and laughing. I have even noticed i change the way i walk when i have that feeling that everyone stares at me. I almlst always check shopwindows with a quick glance to see how i look i also do this with mirrors. Sometimes i think i am pretty and sometimes i think i am ugly and why do i have to be this ugly!
I dont really see people as superior than me i think. I want to be the best and mostly i think i am the best, atleast better than i actually am. I can be verbaly mean (special on online games) But sometimes i will feel bad after and apologize. I dont feel as i care about others as much as i should. I think i only see what i have lost, untill i truly lost it.
I dont really think i deserve something.. Sometimes i can wonder "why me.. why not someone else"
I am EXTREMELY lazy and try to make others do my work if possible..
I am greedy with money, Real money or 'game' money i am greedy.
Sometimes i get these moments where i just feel like giving.. Giving money to someone (online) just cause.. but i dont know if its because i wanne brag about my money or because i want to make them happy.
I dont really like my own look as said above^ And i get embarrased when getting complimented cause i think "that cant be true" But again sometimes i can think i am handsome.
I lie from time to time and maybe a bit too often but mostly to avoid arguments but also sometimes to look better..
I do sometimes feel like i am special, but for no reason and other times i feel as a failure.
Mostly when i say sorry im really not sorry.. I just try to avoid an argument..
I do feel somewhat bad for putting my ex through all this and i wanted to leave her at one point so i couldn hurt her more, but failed cause i didn want to be without her.
First time she said she was gonna leave me i paniced. First gime she said she liked someone i paniced but found out it was me =)
I will brag if i get the chance.
I want to copy something i also said in my first post about NPD.
1. " I dont have a profile picture on anything (*****, ***** etc) cuz i dont like my own pictures and i fear judgement or people laughing"
2. "Honestly i dont think i even know who i am.. Been 'hiding' my whole life.. Bottled up emotions
And now im wondering if i have NPD cause of Health anxiety and the same time trying to figure out who i am.." That being said, i have hidden behind a mask that i wasnt scared of anything, i have acted as i was the "cool gangster" in baggy closing when infact i am a very shy and paranoid guy. Small things can make me paranoid.. If i see a group of people around my age i will almost do anything to avoid passing them cause i fear looking stupid. i am SPECIAL shy and nervous around girls.
3. "Im not fancy with my body either.. If i look at myself in the mirror i cant see "oh i look 19" (my age) im thinking "oh you look 16 or something what the hell.. everyone else look their age whats wrong with me" And ill think i need my ID to go buy Ciggerettes or alchohol or something and nearly wont go without it.. I had to send a picture to my Online girlfriend once and i was nervous.. I took 100 pictures and i didn like a single one.. I Promised pictures cause in that moment i felt brave but when i took them and looked at them i was like "No.. you look fat, dont send that DELETE" and yea.. too 100 pictures to send one cause i feard jugdement" Yeeep. actually i still owe her pictures.
4. "I ALWAYS somehow change the topic so it involves around me.. With my girlfriend if she talks about her feelings i always end up talking about my stuff, always end up defending myself.. always end up saying things twice to make sure she saw it, or cause i feel like i didn get a straight answer.. But i ALWAYS somehow get it turned around so its my point of view.." So yea..
5. "EDIT.. I can feel bad for a person just by looking at their face.. Doesnt matter if its a boy or a girl.. But if they have a certian expression i can feel bad.. If they look extremely happy i feel sorta like.. Happy too.. I feel like i want that.. If i see someone with a cute face cry wether or not its a boy or girl i can feel bad.. I can be really sentitive to a cute face expression.. I saw a guy go on stage and singing after everyone his whole life laughed at him and said he couldn.. when the audience clapped at him and stood up i could see how happy he was.. i actually shed a tear there..
Ive been worring sometimes if im gay.. I can find another man "sexy" with his big muscles.. I think im just jealous and i want it myself so i think hes hot cause im always imagin myself with those muscles... If i see someone cute looking i feel "inlove" even when i got a girlfriend.. if i see someone cute i get sentitive... Even when i got a girlfriend.. This also scares me.. as how can i find someone else attractive and think dirty about them when i got a girlfriend... It gets me thinking if i think like a NPD.. Like "oh i could use this" and not care about my gf...Im scared its like that.. i hope not.. Maybe this is ALL in my head and im normal.. Maybe it is ALL anxiety and my ADHD and imy health anxiety is now on having NPD instead of AsPD as i feared a month ago... I hope its all in my head"
6. and last "I wanted to go to afgan once.. for selfish reason.. Not to help. I wanted to go home cause i wanted to experience the feelings and emotions people gave you when u got home.. i wanted to feel missed.. I saw a vid of returning soliders and i just wished it was me."
There are possible more but this is improvised thoughts and all i remember for now..
PLEASE ask if you have a question and i would love to answer.
Note: Alot of this could come from my ADHD and as pDoc said thats all i got.. but idont know.
Thanks for reading
EDIT: Its also like im not thankfull for what others do for me.