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Author Topic: New Relationship Anxiety  (Read 282 times)

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Offline threnners

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New Relationship Anxiety
« on: July 01, 2014, 01:49:59 PM »
Recently I set my toe back in the Dating Pool and joined an online dating site.  After a lot of uninspired first messages from dudes,  Guy #1 and I  had two dates and were a perfect match on paper, in person he catfished me and had WAY bigger issues than I could help him with (namely that he is deeply closeted.)   Guy #2, I met a little over a week ago and lives just under 2 hours out of town.    We established up front this was a relationship deal, and spent last week blowing up each others phones, email, and texts.  We agreed to meet Friday, we met and well, sexy times ensued.  He had a family event Saturday, called me, and came back over Sunday morning for an encore before he went back home.   Future plans were made.  (Like down the road future and tenative next meeting)  He said before he left that he would call me last night, and we emailed back and forth during the day, but when I gave him the all clear to call (child involved), I got a text that simply said "talk tomorrow" and that was it.  We have exchanged no email today at all. 

Now I'm freaking out.   My mental hamster wheel is full blown set on YOU ARE BEING POOFED ON AGAIN.     He has given me NO indication he would do this kind of thing, and he knows what happened with Guy #1.   There are a million reasons he could not have been able to talk last night  (he is an artist so I know they get in their creative zones), but my brain just launches straight into ITS OVER.     I just wish I could experience lapses in communication and not think OH MY GOD THE WORST IS HAPPENING. And I hate that I do this.  I hate that my brain does nothing but DOUBT every damn move anyone ever makes toward me.  The thought that I judge him because of every other asshole I've ever dated makes me so sad.   It just sucks.

Thank you for letting me vent.  And I hope he laughs at me tonight. That is, if I talk to him tonight.  See?
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Online Cuchculan

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Re: New Relationship Anxiety
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2014, 04:32:25 PM »
Let us be honest here. With these sort of sites comes all sorts. It may take a few ones before you meet the right person. Plus you have to spend time, a good bit of it, around a person, to know if they are right for you. When on the computer we can all say nice things. Come across as nice people. But we may all have that little something, that can't come across in words on a computer, that will only be found out about when we spend time with the person. I have met two people that I first got to know in chat rooms. Not on this site. Few years ago now. First one was a nightmare if truth be told. But I didn't find out so much till I actually went to live with her. Just to see how things would go. Just spending time with her was enough to show me she wasn't for me. On a computer you may have said we were the perfect match. We most certainly were not perfect for each other. I couldn't get back home quick enough.  :laugh3: The second person was more just a distance issue. We still are the best of friends and still get on great. Spending some time with her showed me that we were perfect for each other. So much in common. But alas it was not to be. But it is the time you spend with them that will show you so much. Not just talking about an hour here and there. You really have to get to know the real person. I would go so far as to say the first one for me was a fake. She claimed she liked doing things I liked doing. But was into nothing at all by way of my interests. Her pet hate? Men with shaved heads and smokers and beards. Guess what? I shave my head, smoke and have a beard.  :laugh3: Few lies told along the way. Could only find this out by spending time with her. That I hated her.  :laugh3: Just play it safe. Some may want that first meeting and see if it heats up. They are out for one thing only. Not them all. Some are genuine. Good apples and bad apples. Just be safe. Take it slowly. See if the interest is real.
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Offline jjZauis

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Re: New Relationship Anxiety
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2014, 03:59:31 PM »
Hope you ended up hearing from him.  You're right though, there could dozens of reasons why he didn't act like he usually did.  We tend to jump to the worst scenario.   I learned the hard way to have high expectations with these kinds of things.  I've dated so so much through personal sites or apps or whatever.   I seriously could write a book on my horror stories.  Or just plain WEIRD stories.  But I almost always jump the gun with expectations and hopes and then end up analyzing tiny things and running away with stories I create.  My advice is, challenge yourself not to be creating stories.  When people do a 180 like that when youre getting to know them it's almost always something to do with them or part of their issues and not something "you did".   My rule of thumb is, if someone who was all about me a day ago just said 'talk later' and then said nothing they better have a really good excuse, because if they don't, then I know it's not someone I'd want to continue seeing anyway. 
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Offline threnners

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Re: New Relationship Anxiety
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2014, 12:04:43 AM »
I did, but I realized by Sunday he really was employing The Slow Fade and I cut him loose.   (I was the one instigating all contact, he stopped calling, texting, and emailing.)   While I'm sad that he didn't think I deserved a "sorry but no", honestly, we didn't have much in common outside of the bedroom and well, he's just not the one for me.  People who think ignoring someone with no explanation is a valid way of dealing with a human being are pretty shitty people.

I am however taking a break from dating to get my anxiety under control.   A month of two fades has done a number on me and I need a mental health break.
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Offline AfternoonRose

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Re: New Relationship Anxiety
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2014, 08:24:31 PM »
Hi, this thread is not what I expected from the title.

But since I'm here, if I may say something, not to be taken the wrong way please... I'd just like to say: don't give a part of yourself to someone UNTIL they've come to earn your trust and have proven their worth to you, and this will require some time, concrete actions from them (not just words), and obvious signs that they are making an effort to have you in their life (and I mean OBVIOUS SIGNS, not just things you can imagine in your head). I think this is the best way to NOT find yourself in a situation where you are thinking "YOU ARE BEING POOFED ON AGAIN" and "OH MY GOD THE WORST IS HAPPENING"... because, the worst will never happen if you don't give a man the power to take from you without giving back.

Getting a man in the bedroom might get his instant attention for the short term, but it doesn't make him love or respect you.

I mean, the mere fact that you employ the term "slow fade" so casually, makes me HOPE it is not something you are accustomed to? You've mentioned having dated a lot of "assholes"... But a man will only act like an asshole toward someone when they think they can easily get away with it. So, don't make it easy for them "assholes"...!

The thought that I judge him because of every other asshole I've ever dated makes me so sad.

It is okay to judge a man harshly, even more a stranger! A woman who is a harsh judge, is a respectable woman. Best advice I can give is: when dating a new person, tell them upfront what you want from a relationship (i.e. something serious). If they are insistent on sex, tell them upfront that they will not be getting it so early (unless that's what you want then all the power to you). But a man who is willing to appreciate and respect you, will not be offended by this, trust me.

Let him give more. At all times.

Have confidence in yourself, because you have much more to offer than just your skills in bed!!! :)

I wish you the best.
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