Hi.. I dont really know if this is a stupid question but yea..
For a few months now i have been a jerk to my girlfriend which is now ex...
Ive had Health Anxiety for 6-7 months and a few months ago i started to change..
Ive been Completely self absorbed.. I think 90% of our convensations we have had its been anout my problems.. My fears.. Me looking for reasurrence.. If we had an argument i would almost take her words and tear them apart.. twist it around and fail to see her point of view.. Like i must be right..
If she tried to talk about some of her stuff i would listen and then after a little i would somehow manage to start talking about my stuff aswell and she would sit there with problems she didn even finish half about but still listen to mine.. She have way bigger problems than my health anxiety but the fear of having illnesses or mental didorders left me with seeking reasurence 24/7.. The thing is i wanne be there for her and i do care for her but i have been so obsessed with health anxiety that ive been a complete jerk..
I feel as if i dont deserve her and that im a even more jerk for staying with her..
The thing is i love her and i will do anything to NOT lose her.. But i feel as a even bigger jerl for staying around cause i have caused her alot of emotional pain... I have done things to improve us a little (less fights, more fun and connection between us) By forcing myself to talk less about my own stuff and really focus on hers... But theres just still some jerk in me.. I have all these worries, all these thoughts and i can only focus on one problem at a time.. I know which problems are more importent than others but my mind dont care.. if there is a problem even the smallest my mind will just trip out on all the thoughts and seitch between them all the time..
Back to the topic..as said im doing stuff to make it better between me and her and show that i care alot for her.. i can do good in a few days and then i fall back in this stupid habbit again.. I dont know if its reallt because anxiety can make you self absorbed and selfish or if its just an excuse and im a nacissist or something.. its getting better between us but its not enough.. We have 'good' days everyday but also everyday there must be that one little argument/fight .. and im just putting even more weight on her.. to the point where she actually dont want to talk to me about her problems cause shes afraid i wont listen and just talk over it with my own problems.. this hurts me cause i really am here for her.. Its to the point she have found comfort and such in another guy..... which gave me a little boost to move on and get better so me and her could get better.. But knowing te one you love, loves you but likes someone else is really hard.. I keep getting thoughts about him and her and along with all other thoughts racing through my head i dont know what to do anymore... Honestly i dont know where i even am in my post anymore.. Im saying what crosses my mind as im typing this.. I have ADHD and that can cause ALOT of this and all and so can my abxiety.. but is that the reason...?
Note: Im starting on my ADHD meds finally after 19 years im starting soon and i hope theyll change my life and behavior.. I feel bad for hurting and putting her through this and i just dont know what to do anymore.. everything i do end up being a bad thing.. r it end up hurting her, even when i try to do a good thing it ends bad..
Sorry its this long.. I hope someone will read it and give me an magical answer :'( Thanks for reading :)
ps.. I dont feel alot of emotions lately after my fears of being sociopathic started i kinda bottleup emotions before i even feel them... i feel love for her and bad for her.. feels some anger and else just.. not alot
and i noticed how much i defend myself in this post.. exactly what ive been doing for months towards her...