Intrusive thoughts are more present in my life since the past 6 months. Thoughts of hurting myself, and being that su**de *is so scary to me it does not help my anxiety. It's like su**de is going to jump on me...just reading the word or hearing a story about it sends me in a panic attack. After lots of reading here, I've decided that it's time to share my secret. I'm sooooooo scared of being judged or looked at like a suicidal person because I know that I am not in the deepest place of myself but there is always a BUT WHY AM I THINKING these things???
Ever since I had really bad panic attacks when going through postpartum depression, 9-10 years ago, and thinking of cutting myself, it shook me to the core. Through therapy, self help books, I was able to eliminate a lot of anxieties from my life slowly and the years went by and this intrusive thought was not soooooo present. Lately I find that when I'm either very tired or just anxious this intrusive thought just gets into my head and it's like I attach myself to it. Then I remind myself this thought just to see if it still scares me (isn't that crazy, my brain keeps on playing tricks, and even though I know it, I have a hard time not giving into it). I cannot look at a knife without having this thought or anything sharp for that matter. The intrusive thoughts just escalate, and there I go being anxious, getting cramps and sweating....just exhausting. Then I get back to the present and I wonder why I makes such a biff case of these thoughts, when I know that's just what they are. I know that when I start analyzing and trying to find out where they come from and what they are trying to tell me it's so much worst.
So let me know how to let go....I want to BUT I feel like I'm a fraud, that I don't want to work on myself and that I'm not being honest towards my family, my friends and my colleagues. GUILT, GUILT, GUILT.
Because of hormones and chemical imbalance (which my dad has too) I can say that most days I feel anxieties at different levels. I'm on Effexor 150mg and slowly weaning myself to 112.5mg. I've been reading a lot on OCD intrusive thoughts here and I was surprised to find myself. Lately it's been so much in my head, like I need to take care of it. I was meditating every day but lately I was exhausted and preferred to go to bed directly and forget about the morning meditation, too tired. Since end of May, I have stopped going to the gym because I need to take the kids to soccer twice a week and my hubby never knows what time he will finish work. I'm noticing that meditation and exercise are good for me but why can't I be more disciplined?
I would like very much to have titles of good books so I can help myself reduce the analysis of these thoughts and eventually letting them go. I also need reassurance, that I'm normal in my craziness !