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Author Topic: Admitting my secret of scary intrusive thoughts....  (Read 427 times)

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Offline Hormonal

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Admitting my secret of scary intrusive thoughts....
« on: June 25, 2014, 06:09:29 PM »
Intrusive thoughts are more present in my life since the past 6 months.  Thoughts of hurting myself, and being that su**de *is so scary to me it does not help my anxiety.  It's like su**de is going to jump on me...just reading the word or hearing a story about it sends me in a panic attack.  After lots of reading here, I've decided that it's time to share my secret.  I'm sooooooo scared of being judged or looked at like a suicidal person because I know that I am not in the deepest place of myself but there is always a BUT WHY AM I THINKING these things???

Ever since I had really bad panic attacks when going through postpartum depression, 9-10 years ago, and thinking of cutting myself, it shook me to the core.  Through therapy, self help books, I was able to eliminate a lot of anxieties from my life slowly and the years went by and this intrusive thought was not soooooo present.  Lately I find that when I'm either very tired or just anxious this intrusive thought just gets into my head and it's like I attach myself to it.  Then I remind myself this thought just to see if it still scares me (isn't that crazy, my brain keeps on playing tricks, and even though I know it, I have a hard time not giving into it).  I cannot look at a knife without having this thought or anything sharp for that matter.  The intrusive thoughts just escalate, and there I go being anxious, getting cramps and sweating....just exhausting.  Then I get back to the present and I wonder why I makes such a biff case of these thoughts, when I know that's just what they are.  I know that when I start analyzing and trying to find out where they come from and what they are trying to tell me it's so much worst. 
So let me know how to let go....I want to BUT I feel like I'm a fraud, that I don't want to work on myself and that I'm not being honest towards my family, my friends and my colleagues. GUILT, GUILT, GUILT.

Because of hormones and chemical imbalance (which my dad has too) I can say that most days I feel anxieties at different levels.  I'm on Effexor 150mg and slowly weaning myself to 112.5mg.  I've been reading a lot on OCD intrusive thoughts here and I was surprised to find myself.  Lately it's been so much in my head, like I need to take care of it.  I was meditating every day but lately I was exhausted and preferred to go to bed directly and forget about the morning meditation, too tired.  Since end of May, I have stopped going to the gym because I need to take the kids to soccer twice a week and my hubby never knows what time he will finish work.  I'm noticing that meditation and exercise are good for me but why can't I be more disciplined?

I would like very much to have titles of good books so I can help myself reduce the analysis of these thoughts and eventually letting them go.  I also need reassurance, that I'm normal in my craziness !
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Offline AncientMelody

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Re: Admitting my secret of scary intrusive thoughts....
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2014, 08:50:09 PM »
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time right now. it can be really difficult to find the right balance towards healing. Do you have some free time to yourself at lunchbreak? That might be a good time for meditation for some people. I tried meditation in the fall and it just wasn't the right time for that for me....down the road I hope to give it a try again.

You mention that hormones play a role in your symptoms: are you on a hormonal treatment? In addition to my Generalized anxiety disorder, I developed some severe PMDD symptoms for several months. The SSRI I was on was not helping the heightened symptoms at that time, so I started on Seasonique a birth control pill. That has worked wonderfully on the hormonal aspect of my symptoms.

If you haven't considered seeing a therapist, it might be a good time to consider doing so, someone trained in cognitive behavioral therapy and preferably obsessive compulsive symptoms as well.
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Offline Hormonal

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Re: Admitting my secret of scary intrusive thoughts....
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2014, 09:40:06 PM »
Thank you for your post.
I have seen a psychologist for 6 years and I've not returned for a couple of years.  I have tried seasonique but you know what, my brain slowed down but I had all the other side effects, plus the lack of libido and lots of night sweats...I tried it for 3 months and I'd say that ever since I've tried that medication, the intrusive thoughts have been worst.  I have tried hormonal therapy but I was informed that it was too out of wack about 3 years ago.  Now I feel that my hormones are better but the anxiety/intrusive thoughts are getting the best of me at times.

Do you have intrusive thoughts like mine?
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Online Never-Quit

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Re: Admitting my secret of scary intrusive thoughts....
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2014, 11:59:11 AM »
Hi There  :action-smiley-065:

Reading your stories about Intrusive Thoughts brought back some memories for me, I had really ugly thoughts that came from nowhere  :spineyes:  I know that you mentioned you are on Effexor for OCD.  (which from the last time I remember has has not yet been approved by FDA for the treatment of OCD, but I know many of these medication will likely work for OCD at the higher doses.  (SSRI's: Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft - are all FDA approved for OCD)

The worst part was just like you said "Why I am thinking about these UGLY things?"

1) The Medication Story -  After years on different medications, most of the SSRI - I finally got rid of my Panic Disorder, GAD, Agoraphobia, anxiety attacks, social anxiety, MY OCD still remained for another couple of years - then "THE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS" came like a flood for a good year or two.

At the time, I was lucky enough to be under the care of a neurologist researcher - who had successfully me put Prozac to control my Panic Disorder and GAD, when I mentioned these "INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS" - he explained to me that a higher dose of Prozac might help in reducing or eliminating them  B-; (This was years ago, and Prozac had yet to approved by the FDA for treatment of OCD).

Well from starting Prozac dose of 20mg - we slowly claimed to 25, 30, 35, ... 40 mg Bingo!!!  I couldn't believe it, without all that energy and guilt I had been suffering with these "INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS" - vanished, - I mean literally, - just how they came from nowhere - they also LEFT - like someone recommend that some annoying "Song" from my Digital Library - I am convinced it hit some CHEMICAL in my brain, to stop the "Broken Recording of those Repetitive Ugly Thoughts".

2) My wife's struggle with hormones Story:

My poor wife, when she starting to hit here 40's and 50's - Her hormones were so out of balance, as a man, I must admit - women got a raw deal, my poor wife would start sweating - getting up with heat flashes and anxiety - talk about mood swings - I thought someone kidnapped my wife and turned her into a Tasmanian Devil  :sprachlos020: - I am glad I am still alive to share this story   :goofy:

Since it was affecting our marriage and everything else, (she doesn't like doctors...), I made appointments with Gynecologist - We ended up going to about three different doctor, until we found a very good one, that finally found the perfect dosage levels - a combination of an Estrogen Patch and Progesterone that she uses today.  With great results   :action-smiley-065:  - I got my normal loving wife back!  :happy0151:

3) Mental Techniques Story:

Back when I had these "Intrusive Thoughts" - there was very little specific mental therapy for this specific problem, I tried self-hypnosis and mental affirmation - but yielded very little results.



Recommended Book Story:

I just spoke to friend in the medical field - recommended a book to her friends that were having this OCD "Intrusive Thoughts" = which are very insidious to your self-esteem and mental health because of the "Guilt and Shame" they bring  :sick0002:

There are very few books, that I know of that deal specifically with OCD "Intrusive Thoughts" - but here it is:

Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD-David A. Clark , Christine Purdon

I haven't read the book personally, since I no longer have this OCD problem (thanks to Prozac), but it has received some high reviews:

The review points out a very important fact:  Most importantly, the book focuses on the fact that the person is not sinful (religious obsessions) or [...](repugnant obsessions) for having these intrusive thoughts.



The following is book review that I found:

By L. H. on June 3, 2007

My boyfriend was diagnosed with OCD a little less than a year ago. While I found many books on OCD, and several written for family/friends of those with OCD, these books mainly focused on "visible" obsessions and compulsions (checking, washing, cleaning, rituals, etc.), rather than intrusive and obsessive thoughts, which is what he primarily suffers from.

This book was an AMAZING find, as it focuses ONLY on obsessive thoughts, and does a fantastic job at it. While it does give an overview of what OCD is, it does so with the assumption that the person reading suspects that they might have unhealthy obsessive thoughts, and that they are not yet diagnosed with OCD.

There are entire chapters dedicated each to repugnant obsessions (themes of harm, violence, and sex) and to religious obsessions, which in other books are not explained in depth at all. The book also gives methods to overcome the obsessive thoughts which are challenging but doable, and explains why other methods of "stopping" thoughts are ineffective and actually cause OCD to persist.

Most importantly, the book focuses on the fact that the person is not sinful (religious obsessions) or [...](repugnant obsessions) for having these intrusive thoughts.

This booked helped me to understand what my boyfriend is going through a million times better than any other book on OCD he or I have read, and he agrees that the book is right on track. I would recommend this book to anyone who is, or is close to, someone who struggles with obsessive thoughts. I can't stress my satisfaction enough!


 
Keep up the good work - you will get better!!  You are on the right path!  :grinning-smiley-003:

Feel free to PM if you have any questions or be of any help  :action-smiley-065:
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Offline Hormonal

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Re: Admitting my secret of scary intrusive thoughts....
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2014, 04:10:44 PM »
Hi Never-quit,

Thank you soooooo much for your post.  It is very helpful and you are a very very nice person to give me all that info. And mostly sharing your expérience eventhough you are out of this cycle now!  I had found that book on amazon this morning and because now i have a recommandation I'm more inclined to buy it.  I also thought of hypnosis and I have a name of an hypnotist that my shrink recommended...I will probably try it. 

The reason I'm on Effexor was following my second post partum depression...at that point in my life I had a lot of anxiety.  Still today I think that my GP should have tried hormones instead.  The hormone option for me is out for the time being, even though I have hot flashes, night sweats and anxiety....if your period don't skip they don't consider you for hormonal therapy. I'm turning 40 this year and I think that since I had the kids I'm menopausal.  I have a really patient hubby, thank god for him.

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Online Never-Quit

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Re: Admitting my secret of scary intrusive thoughts....
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2014, 11:52:13 PM »
I am glad you found it helpful  :action-smiley-065:

If you ever need any help or information - Just send a PM  :yes:
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Never, never, never give up. -Winston Churchill

“You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you."   ~ John Wooden

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