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Author Topic: I'm stuck and need help  (Read 105 times)

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Offline AKRaven

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I'm stuck and need help
« on: June 25, 2014, 06:37:49 AM »
I am in my early teens and have been diagnosed with GAD, but it's only been minor up until now. I have an almost two year old little brother. Ever since he was born I disliked him (I didn't hate him though). Because I'm around the age of most babysitters I am constantly charged with taking care of him. Recently my mother went out of state on a business trip and because my father cannot fit a carseat in his plumbing van to take my little brother to daycare I am watching him for the week. Yesterday I was extremely grumpy and found myself yelling a lot even at the smallest things. I put him to bed with him screaming and crying and me frustrated out of my mind not caring about what might happen leaving him in there alone. I got up in the morning hearing the same cries I had gone to bed with. When I walked in he was sitting on his (3ft high) changing table with picture frames scattered all over the floor, one of them broken in half. My first instinct was to check the walls for nails to make sure he didn't pull them out and swallow them. I didn't see any nails, or holes where the nails could have been. I didn't pay attention to the last part until recently, though. I panicked and searched everywhere for the nails, but couldn't find them. I eventually just took the frames out and brought him into the living area. A few minutes after that, my dad called my cell phone and said he couldn't get a hold of me through the home phone. When I looked at it, it said "line in use". It still makes me a little scared thinking about it. At the time I nearly had a heart attack and tried to look for the phone that could be in use. When I got to the garage I heard a thumping noise and couldn't find the courage to continue. I spent the next hour cowering with my little brother on the couch trying to get him to stop crying and be silent. I took him back into his room which now I though of as a death trap for him, but was safer than the open living room. I freaked out almost every time he cried. I called my dad for comfort (on the home phone), but felt kind of disgraceful about freaking out so much so I just told him about my little brother's day so far and also telling him about the missing nails. He told me to be more carful. I continued my day feeling better and almost forgetting the home phone thing. When dad got home he lectured me on being more carful. He said my brother could have died from the mistakes I made today. Because I wasn't there quick enough in the morning he could have fallen off of his changing table and broke his neck, or eaten a nail and ruptured an organ. Then my dad went up to look for the nails in his room. He didn't find anything. This disturbed me a lot for some reason. I put him to bed at around 9:00pm. I made sure he was asleep before leaving the room. However, I couldn't get to sleep. Images of his corpse just filled my mind, most prominent was scenes from a nightmare I had a few months back. The nightmare is pretty graphic and I won't go into it in detail, but the basic premise is: my little brother was killed by one of my closest friends. I laid there in my bed replaying this over and over and I started to freak out. Then I heard my brother crying in the room over and I jumped up and ran into his room. He was very upset. I still don't know why. I hugged him and helped him back to sleep. Now it's 2:00am and I'm still here. I can't leave because I'm worried about him. I've sat in here and cried remembering that awful dream. After I calmed down a bit I looked at the walls and all of the nails were still there! I'm really freaked out now. Maybe I'm just overreacting or maybe it's just stress, but I'm still here and I don't know what to do. I don't want to stay, but I'm too afraid of him hurting himself to leave (and please don't reply saying "he'll be fine, just go"). Please help I'm getting really desperate!

I'm sorry about any errors in my spelling or grammar. I was a little out of it when writing this.
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Offline kconnors

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Re: I'm stuck and need help
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2014, 11:30:02 AM »
Hi . . . glad you came by . . . .

I think that you are trying to cope with a lot of different events in your life and perhaps a lot of unresolved feelings . . .

Perhaps you see in the added responsibilities of caring for your 2-year old brother, a loss of your own freedom when you want to be finding out about yourself as we all do when we are in our early teens . . .

Mom is doing what she wants/needs to do and Dad is gone doing what she wants/needs to do and you are the one who needs to take care of your brother.

Your brother is 2 years old and probably has scooped a lot of attention from your parents, yet you are the one who, maybe from your perspective, is paying the price.

Going to bed and getting up and taking care of a little child is no easy task and more difficult when someone is coping with her own health issues of anxiety.

As careful as you are (re: the nails), your Dad's reaction to tell you to be more careful for something you did not do, probably also made you frustrated and, yes, angry . . . and it is okay to be angry at the situation but you need to remember your brother is only 2 and is doing things without any idea of any inherent danger . . . but that does not make you feel any better when you are the one being told to be careful.

All of this pressure is probably triggering nightmares and the fear that something might happen to your brother that is totally out of your control and that is affecting your sleep.

You have to give yourself credit that you are putting his needs ahead of yours, but there are other underlying issues that you need to address to deal with your anxiety . . . dreams are not reality but they can have a bit of a core of a flag saying that it may be time for you to address issues . . . have you spoken to your parents about how you feel about the added responsibility? have you spoken about maybe that you feel that your needs are being overlooked in favour of your brother? Oh, I know, sometimes we have to help out at home but you also needed some undivided attention to feel valued  . . .

And, about the nails in the wall . . . . in our panic and anxiety, our minds do very odd things  . . .perhaps you thought they were missing because your mind was racing ahead to what * might * happen and then when you were able to look again after a while, you say reality  . . .this is what anxiety does especially when it is in panic mode . . .

What you need to do is something for you . . .yes, you do have to stay . . .you cannot leave a 2 year old child . . . but grab a pen and a piece of paper and start writing what you are feeling . . . .and what you want to happen to help you feel better . . . .then start talking with your parents or, if you are seeing a therapist, with the counselor . . . those are the beginning steps for negotiating a compromise . . . it won't be easy because parents who are overstressed themselves often figure that they are doing the best they can . . .so sometimes you need to start the conversation several times in many different ways . . .

Even though you don't want to stay, you are showing admirable responsibility by staying . . . . yes, a crying baby is irritating and yes, it is unfair, and yes, there are issues, but you are showing such strength of character right now, that I am sure that you can start your process and find a path that helps you to understand the reasons why you dislike your brother when he was born and why you hate this responsibility . . . once you begin to unravel the reasons why, then you can address them . . . I won't lie . . .it is not easy to do and there are roadblocks, but, as I said, you have already shown such maturity to want to deal with the issue that I am sure you will work through this . . . if you think that we can be of any help, please come here if only to say hello and, by the way, never worry about grammar or spelling . . . with us, that does not matter . . .what matters is that you feel safe and welcomed here . . .take care, kc
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Offline AKRaven

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Re: I'm stuck and need help
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2014, 02:46:20 AM »
Thank you so much! My mother is back now and I'm feeling better. I talked with her and we are going to pay a visit to the counselor that diagnosed me to see about anxiety medication. Your reply helped me a lot and made me glad I joined the forums here! :)
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