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Author Topic: Dating and Afraid  (Read 274 times)

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Offline LeftBehind

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Dating and Afraid
« on: June 21, 2014, 03:34:37 PM »
At almost thirty years of age and having suffered Anxiety and Agoraphobia for the last seven-eight years, I am tired of my current situation. Living alone, (mostly alone) with no one to talk to or share my interests I have found myself seeking a relationship. After being out of the dating game for almost two years I feel as though I am ready to put myself out there again though... dealing with my illogical struggles prevents this.
I've tried online dating and it always goes well; I am good at meeting people, making friends and carrying on intellectual conversations but as soon as the prospect of meeting in person presents itself, I am paralyzed.
I recently spent an evening with a friend of four years and it was awkward, disastrous and I was nervous and on edge the whole time. If I can't even be around a friend, how am I supposed to endure meeting a complete stranger for the first time?

Does anyone else have this problem? The desire to date but the immobilizing fear to put ones self out there?
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Offline firewife

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2014, 11:10:17 PM »
Think of it.like this. At least you will get a free dinner and at.most you will never have to see the person again if you dont want to.
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Offline LeftBehind

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2014, 11:12:05 PM »
If only it were that simple.
I'm agoraphobic so a lot of my first dates happen here at my house; coffee or tea on the porch - something a little light and relaxing but still, I get totally anxious and I'm unable to control it.
I end up just freezing but babbling at the same time... I'm sure it's amusing to watch but it's hell to go through.
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Offline firewife

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2014, 11:31:36 PM »
I suffer with agoraphobia too. I totally understand. I do the same around my own family. I use the whole I'm just qwerky routine. Maybe some practice with a friend would help.  I met my spouse before my agoraphobia was bad so I can't really offer much dating advice. But I can say that if you just go with the flow and.accept this part of you it might go smoother. ( I know it sounds easier.said then done )
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Offline LeftBehind

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2014, 12:15:06 AM »
No it's good; I appreciate the understanding and the advice.
I'm trying to get into the 'flow' of just being comfortable around people again... I've spent so long with just myself that I almost forget how to 'act' around people. I'm sure I'll 'get there' eventually.
Thanks, Fire.
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Offline LuLu82

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2014, 12:57:18 AM »

I can relate.
I had some social anxiety issues/avoidance issues before the panic disorder that made dating difficult to begin with.
now with the PD Im not even sure how to go about it at all like i said in the other thread(thanks for reply BTW)
since the panic, i have isolated myself a lot even from friends and feel like meeting up with my best friend after a year is going to be hard to find conversation.
but anyways, I think it's just gonna take practice and really getting back out into life. i think its normal to be a bit rusty when we are so used to being alone..once we get over the initial unease, it will give confidence to continue i think...but I am not putting myself out there at all now so my words are probably meaningless :laugh3:

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Offline LeftBehind

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2014, 01:36:11 PM »
Ahh your words are not meaningless, Lulu. They are appreciated.
The trouble is, I am really comfortable and confident talking to people... I guess it's just when I am in front of them and I can see the judgment in their eyes that I lose all confidence. That's an entirely different struggle to overcome.
I'm getting there though... before, I never used to be able to be in the same room as someone who wasn't my Mum (my "safe person") but now, she has friends visit (I live with her still - sad at 29, I know) and her boyfriend is over frequently. I guess these people are providing me with practice as to how to 'be' around people again.
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Offline firewife

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2014, 03:07:50 PM »
I have been thinking about this post all night and I decided to jump head.first into my panic today and.face.the shady lady known as anxiety today. I got.in my car drove around town went into a store asked a stupid question on purpose and left. Then drove some more and went to my trigger zones in town and faced them all. I shook the entire time but towards then end on my adventure I calmed down and found myself singing to my favorite song and crying because I did it after months of being home bound. Please take it on head first forget judgement of others and love yourself and then you'll find a truest love like no other. A love that will not judge and a love that will stand behind you and face those demons with a heart of gold. A love you deserve! I know I'm just some anonymous person on the internet but I wish you love and happiness.
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Offline LuLu82

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2014, 11:32:37 PM »
I have been thinking about this post all night and I decided to jump head.first into my panic today and.face.the shady lady known as anxiety today. I got.in my car drove around town went into a store asked a stupid question on purpose and left. Then drove some more and went to my trigger zones in town and faced them all. I shook the entire time but towards then end on my adventure I calmed down and found myself singing to my favorite song and crying because I did it after months of being home bound

that is amazing congrats  :action-smiley-065:
   it is the best feeling when the panic/dread has lowered and you have settled into a more calm state. 
I get this way driving sometimes and when a calm comes over me it is so freeing.
Now i just need to find this feeling doing other activities and things I avoid
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Offline Rhiannon

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2014, 01:37:33 AM »
I'm sorry you're going through this, I relate very much with what you're going through. I am a complete wreck when it comes to talking to guys in person, even when he is just a friend, as well. Sometimes even talking to a girl makes me nervous. I get so nervous and can't think of anything good enough to say so I just mumble about silly things and nothing worthy comes to mind even though I have interesting things that I could discuss in the back burner of my mind (...far far far away and unreachable at that moment).
I usually tell myself to do less talking (weirdly enough), so to not pressure myself to say something so that I don't mumble. I tell myself to let the other person talk and ask more about the other person's feelings about something. People won't even notice it, as generally people like to talk when they're asked something specific. I don't know if that's in any way helpful.
I personally have never dated though. I am 23 and have zero experience with guys. (I am not exaggerating when I say zero) I'm ridiculously shy when it comes to dating or any guy advances, and feel that I can't control it. I understand the feeling of wanting a relationship, as having someone very close and intimate can be very comforting especially when you are alone most of the time. To be honest, I am in a long distance relationship right now, and I have to say talking with someone who isn't close to me, which would be very scary, has helped me a lot. I'm able to discuss anything, be silly, and just be myself. It does help a lot if the other person understands you, is honest and down to earth and knows your anxiety issues or is even familiar himself with it, as in my case. Sometimes though the long distance thing can cause anxiety itself when the other person is having a very bad day and you feel like you want to be there to comfort him. But anyway, there are pros and cons I guess, for me the pros outweigh the cons as I'm painfully awkward in person, but now I feel that if we met I wouldn't be awkward at all after talking away almost daily hours and hours for a little less than a year.  I'm just saying this is a possibility, if you'd ever care for that kind of thing. I'm kind of weird.
Anyway, I just wanna say that I relate and I hope you find someone who understands you and who you can share quirky and a little awkward moments with and not feel too bad about it. I think you are very brave for going into the dating scene despite your fear and trying to overcome and cope with your anxieties and phobia, hope it will get easier.
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Offline LeftBehind

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2014, 08:08:58 AM »
I have been thinking about this post all night and I decided to jump head.first into my panic today and.face.the shady lady known as anxiety today. I got.in my car drove around town went into a store asked a stupid question on purpose and left. Then drove some more and went to my trigger zones in town and faced them all. I shook the entire time but towards then end on my adventure I calmed down and found myself singing to my favorite song and crying because I did it after months of being home bound. Please take it on head first forget judgement of others and love yourself and then you'll find a truest love like no other. A love that will not judge and a love that will stand behind you and face those demons with a heart of gold. A love you deserve! I know I'm just some anonymous person on the internet but I wish you love and happiness.


I love you're ability to get out and go after the fear - you chased the fear and you didn't let it chase you. I have the desire to get out where there was no desire before... baby steps. I'll get there.
Thanks doll for the encouragement!
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Offline LeftBehind

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #11 on: June 24, 2014, 08:16:11 AM »
Hey Rhiannon,
Thanks for the message and response.
For me, when I am with new people or any people for that matter, I find it easier, more calming for me to do the talking. If I focus on the words I am saying rather than the other person, I am more at ease. In person, I appear to be quite easy-going; I have a good sense of humor and I'm really good at making people laugh. If I'm the one controlling the conversation I am more at ease - even though sometimes I do say stupid things it's just another pause for giggles.
I wanna get to the point where  I can even hang out with friends again... never-mind the pressure of impressing a first date or whatever.
I know I'll get to that point because I never had the desire for socializing or dating or any of that before and I know that once I get the desire to do things, I become obsessive about it until I reach my goal... maybe not obsessive but you get the point, haha.



Thanks to everyone who has been encouraging on this post - you can't know how much I appreciate your opinions and advice.
xo's =)
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Offline unknownartist

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Re: Dating and Afraid
« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2014, 10:15:38 AM »
Well, if you didn't put this out here, I would have. In addition to the same problems that you have, I shake  (out of nervousness) a little bit and sweating like take a shower every other second. Ow I forget the biggest one, always direct my meetings with girls to friendship zone (I think 'cause of scared of denial and loss of confidence, whatsoever) .. and it hurts so much that you are their friend who is by far the second best there for them while it seems that you are the only one who doesn't have that special one for you. To make things worse, I am very desperate on my situation and looking for something special to happen 24/7, which is not helping the case. Still to make thing worse, there is no tradition of a blind date (even date?) where I live. Screwed, right? You expected answers, but how about that? More problems.
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