So glad you came buy today . . . I can only speak for myself, but what you are experiencing is similar to what happened to me . . .different family situation but a lot of common points . . . I think that you have shown a lot of insight into what might be going on especially when you write that after your dad's passing, you now feel a void . . . it seems when you were growing up, as the youngest without your mom, there was a void; then you dad had difficulties in managing his reality, so there was another void. With your dad;s passing, it appears you have gone past anger and resentment but when we lose even negative feelings we lose, for lack of a better term, a comfort zone . . .,sometimes, negative feelings are comforting because we are familiar with them and then when they are gone, it is a different set of feelings . . . when we do not have the appropriate management techniques, this sense of loss creates anticipatory anxiety . . . one does not have to be an angry person to be angry especially at childhood circumstances over which you had no control . . . no one can rebuild the past, but you show such insight, I am sure you can understand it with some guided counseling which you are set to have next month . . . you have carried a terrific responsibility for several years . . . it has affected the direction of your life but now you are in the position to make decisions for you, for what you want . . . I think, and this is personal experience, that the reason why you may fixate on a couple of thoughts is that you are trying to build a comfort zone so you will become familiar with something to which to direct your focus . . . between now and when you see a professional, let me offer some things for your consideration: first, and this will help you in the short term and in the long term with your counselor, try to write even just a few lines in a journal about what you are thinking and why you would focus on those thoughts --- do you have any concerns that your partner may leave you? if so, why and are those reasons grounded in reality?; when you start fixating, change what you are doing --- if possible, something that needs focus . . . even mundane tasks are helpful if you do them with mindfulness ---- clean out the knife drawer but focus on what you are doing . . .let the other thoughts pass through but keep coming back to the task at hand; do you have a support group / person who is trustworthy and I would suggest other than your partner just so you have an objective sounding board? Are you working now and, if not, is there something you can do to restart your career . . .
You have many layers to unfold but you know what you need to do and you have a wonderful perspective of your past and the key events . . . a counselor will help you unravel them . . . it won't be a one time event but a process and there may be bumps in the road but already you have started to form the building blocks to move on . . if and when you can, please check in with us and let us know how we might support you . . . but, sincerely, my personality changed and it took me a while to rebuild but I did and probably am still in the process but I feel that I know myself and it has made me a stronger person and personality . . .take care, kc