I'll try and keep this as short as possible. I don't know what is going on with me at the moment, but I'm finding that I may be suffering anxiety or panic attacks- not sure.
I'm a proud single mother who unfortunately has to go to court next month and deal with a horrible man!!- so thats freaking me out a bit.
I also have to share my two cherubs with this man, every other weekend and even though sometimes I feel fine with it, most times I don't- probably because he won't let me speak with them whilst they're in his care.
Anyway, that's fine in a way- I'm putting it down to stress and the "usual" anxiety one would feel about going to court etc.
Though, more recently and particular in the last 24 hours I've had visions where I'll have a car accident and hurt myself and the children (unwillingly of course) I had my two nephews over last night and I was so panicked about driving them home, I was feeling dizzy, short of breath,really hot (though it was freezing outside) irritable at noise- and it was only when I got everyone home safely did I feel I could breathe (barely)
Tonight, as I put my children to bed I gave them lots of kisses and hugs and thought to myself "what happens if I die in bed tonight?" "what happens if this is it?" My eldest asked if he could sleep with me, I said no and I thought afterwards- maybe I should have said yes, "what happens if I need him at night?" "what happens if he never sees me again?"
I know my thoughts are irrational, they are right?- so why can't I shake this feeling? Why is it when my children and I are having a really good time I think that it will all go pear shaped and something bad will happen? Last night, I had a great time with my children and nephews, I thought to myself what if that was meant to be like that because I'm not going to make it through tonight and the children should have a loving happy memory of me? This sounds crazy as I'm writing it but, I still feel that maybe it's true.