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Author Topic: how to deal with dating and PD/agora?  (Read 369 times)

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Offline LuLu82

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how to deal with dating and PD/agora?
« on: June 14, 2014, 05:35:53 PM »
Hi.

Not sure if this is correct forum.
But I am at a loss on dating/getting to know someone dealing with Panic disorder and agoraphobic avoidance issues.  I have not dated in a long time.
Certain situations are ok, some are not, some restrictions,etc. Dinner at a restaurant is fine, going for a long stroll through city not ok for me anymore at this point...how do you bring it up?  do you disclose it and if so at what stage?
It's different if you are already with someone when they develop this problem, but how do get to know someone who is probably not looking for someone with a mental illness(unless I find someone who has one themselves :happy0151:
 my #1 priority is getting better, am not in any rush to meet someone but I am also curious about peoples opinions on this topic.

thanks
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: how to deal with dating and PD/agora?
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2014, 05:58:33 AM »
Well I wouldn't say ' Hey I'm Joe and I have a mental illness problem '.  :laugh3: Not the best first line ever. I doubt it has ever worked. If it was me I would try and keep it simple to begin with. Meet for a coffee. Basic stuff. Bit of talking about things in your life and things in the other person's life. Just get a feel as to where you think things are going from there. Will he ask to meet you again. Will he want to go somewhere else this time around. It can be a hard situation. When there are places you can't handle. The hope is you are not asked to go to one of these places straight away. If that happens you have a problem. It may be time to explain a small bit about your anxiety issues. I would begin with panic attacks. Loads of people have them. That you get them in certain places. Then you can work your way around these places and still find a common ground were you can both go and feel safe. Mind you I have not dated in years. Bit like the blind leading the blind here. But if need be I would tell only a small part to begin with. So you are not pushed into something you can't handle.
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Offline LuLu82

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Re: how to deal with dating and PD/agora?
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2014, 10:29:53 PM »
thanks for reply.
I don't know how to deal with this.
I guess I really shouldn't focus on it now.
thing is i have a sinking feeling I will never be like i was before panic.
I am not sure I will overcome this or have the courage to face the fear.



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Online Never-Quit

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Re: how to deal with dating and PD/agora?
« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2014, 10:55:50 PM »
Hi Lulu - I had this exact issue, of Panic Disorder, back when I was younger. 

After, having a couple of panic attacks in a public restaurant and trying to explain to my date that "nothing was wrong"  - she thought I was some weirdo, and boy was I embarrassed, is an understatement   B-;

I was so ashamed back in my late 20's that I didn't date for another 5 or 6 years - that really stinks!!!

Once, I started to focus on getting myself better - I finally was able to date again, and since it was under control I didn't have to bring up the "Panic Attack Disorder Issue" unless,  it turned into long-term commitment. 

30 years later, now in my 50's - My wife still loves me with Panic,OCD,Phobias warts and all  :liebe028:

Stay Stong and keep progressing - your future will soon be brighter and better!!  :nature-smiley-016:


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Offline LeftBehind

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Re: how to deal with dating and PD/agora?
« Reply #4 on: June 21, 2014, 03:54:51 PM »
Lulu,
I've recently tried putting myself back into the dating world too and I get it, it's difficult.
I have full blown Agoraphobia as a result of chronic panic attacks which makes dating even more-so difficult, (I envy your ability to even go to a restaurant). I usually explain my situation right off the bat - I mean, not right away blurt it out but definitely within the first day or so of talking to someone (referencing on-line dating/meeting). I'd prefer to know right away whether it is something someone would be willing to work with... It's a lot of me (personally) to expect someone to deal with my "situation" so instead of stringing a person along, getting to know them and possibly attached, I put myself out there pretty early on.
Some people are compassionate and patient towards the anxiety/panic/agoraphobia thing and others will just never understand no matter how hard you try to explain it.
My advice to you is just put it out there when you feel comfortable... the worst that will happen is that you will find out that person wasn't meant to be.
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Offline jjZauis

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Re: how to deal with dating and PD/agora?
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2014, 03:56:07 PM »
Hi LuLu,

Don't get discouraged!  It seems like you know the things you need to avoid so when it comes to making plans just stick with what your comfortable with.   I know what you mean though because it's tough as first dates come with their own typical anxiety so it's definitely worrisome when knowing you have PD/agoraphobia on top of that.   Before I knew I had PD/Agora I was talking to someone I was really excited about, but obviously worried and anxious about how I was going to feel on our dates.   I really pushed myself and dealt with it as it came.  If things got too bad I just apologized and told him I wasn't feeling well.   After a few dates and knowing that this was something I wanted to work, I told him more about what I was going through.  He was and continues to be very understanding and patient.   I've now been with him for a year.  Understanding and patience are two important qualities to look for in someone regardless, so if they lack those then who would want to be with them in the first place?  Good luck and don't give up!
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Offline LuLu82

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Re: how to deal with dating and PD/agora?
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2014, 07:24:20 PM »
helpful to read these replies thanks.
Another issue I have,  I almost feel like I have dealt with this so long, coming to about 5 years that it is almost my identity now.Does anyone relate to that at all?
I know realistically it's not, but the isolating has not helped.. it's like this is such a major thing I have dealt with for so long that i feel I no longer have conversation for people.....But I think it's cause in general we are very much in our heads so it takes practice getting back out with people and living again really..I also have some social anxiety so I was never a super outgoing person..But i did go out and have fun, nowadays I can't ever just enjoy an outing it's always about how calm or nervous I am...It's so depressing but I'm gonna keep working on getting help/better
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Offline kercare

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Re: how to deal with dating and PD/agora?
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2014, 06:34:09 AM »
I can relate to this also. I have been suffering with PD/agoraphobia for 8 years now. When I first started have panic attacks I was in my early 20's and was already in a long term relationship. The man I was with at the time was not very patient with anything or anyone. So needless to say, it took a toll on our relationship whenever I would tell him I couldn't go the movies because what if I had a panic attack, or that no, I can't go to the mall because I will not have an easy escape route if I have a panic attack. So we didn't last too long after I was diagnosed.
But now I am in with another person who is a lot more patient. I didn't tell him on our first date that I had a mental issue. I waited until about the 3rd date to tell him. I just brought it up casually out of the blue. He wasn't turned off by it or anything.
If a person can't understand or refuses to understand your illness, than I don't think they are worth your valuable time.
Best of luck! 
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