At this moment I'm very upset.
I will give you a little background story to understand who I am.
I'm a 32 years old guy and have social anxiety disorder. It used to be much worse, where I had trouble passing strangers or making even simple phone calls but in some situations it is still really bad, like in emotional situations, where I have to express my feelings.
My childhood wasn't easy. My dad was on and off violent towards my mom, he pinched her hard while she begged him to stop. But the violence wasn't the worst part, it was the physiological aspect. My dad would get very angry at the smallest things, and it was very hard to predict exactly when, but it was frequently. It could be an egg that was boiled the wrong way, or simply a wrong opinion from my mom on something on the news. And angry didn't just mean a bit upset, it meant he would yell and yell for hours and hours while my mom would mostly cry. It was often whole nights. When they stopped fighting he would have sex with my mom and it was surely on the verge of rape because she did not want it. Myself and my brother was also yelled at, though not as severely, but hearing the yelling and pain of my mom as a kid lying in bed in the dark, with eyes wide open, begging god to help, was very painful. I had frequent thoughts about ***** as a kid. I learned at home that being quite, saying and telling nothing was the safest option, and it grew into a behaviour for me, that I could no longer control.
I don't know if my dad was insane in some way, but he did become more normal by time and now he's not as bad though it's not exactly perfect. But I can't help hating him.
Around 8 years ago I got to know a girl who became my friend. She's extremely exceptional and I fell in love with her almost instantly. I tried to tell her I loved her but because of her being in a relationship and I never really being able to tell her how I felt in any way that she really believed in, nothing came out of it except a close friendship.
It was tough, being in love with a friend, but I adored her and valued the time I got to spend with her, though I always hoped that she would notice me some day. But I gave up, it felt like she never would, especially because she broke up with her boyfriend and still didn't notice me.
I felt like I had to move on, that I kept torturing myself with missing this girl so much. I met another girl by chance and she really liked me. We saw each other many times and by time she became my girlfriend, I thought that this could perhaps make me move on and forget.
However still being in a friendship with the first girl I could never forget her at all, deep inside I wished for her, and she was in my mind every day for years, but I always thought that she would never see me as more than a friend. Now I had a girl who loved me and I tried to make her happy.
The friendship grew closer though and 8 month ago something happened, we went out together and she wanted to be with me too. We were actually together and I was supposed to leave my current girlfriend, of course this situation was so wrong. I said though that I had to solve some economical issues because we are in a house together and it would take me some time. I wanted to leave my girlfriend but when I try I freeze up completely, I ended being with her for 8 month where she would think the relationship was ok, while I kept the girl I loved in a waiting position. I know how bad this is, it's like I just let the days pass because I could not do what I had to do. I knew I could not stay with my girlfriend because my feelings wasn't true to her, but somehow I kept everybody a hostage.
Then one day I really tried talking with my girlfriend, I wanted to break up. I brought up that I wanted children, because I knew she did not. But her reply surprised me, she said that then I should go to the doctor with her to talk about it. And my anxiety mind just said yes, even though it wasn't what I intended.
I was very upset, and angry with myself and I arranged to meet with the girl I love and talk about it.
I wanted to tell her how impossible it was for me to break up. Somehow I hoped she would tell me how much she wanted to be with me and that I could do it. But this is what I did:
We went to sit and I told her that I tried to talk with my girlfriend about children and I agreed to go to the doctor with her to talk about children.
The girl I love was upset and she said that thanks for telling me, then I know I am completely out of the picture.
I had broken up with her, and even though everything was flying around in my head I was not able to get any words out at all, to tell her I still love her.
But in the evening I ruined everything. The girl I'm in love called me and said she didn't understand if she did something wrong, if there was something wrong with her, she was very hurt, she had been left several times before.
I assured her there was nothing wrong with her, that I just couldn't go trough with breaking with the girl I've been with for such long time, and the breakup was finalized. It seemed I had made myself very clear.
I felt awful and already the next day I started to talk with my girlfriend, a few days I have been in the process of breaking up even though I have not been able to say the actual words yet.
I tried to get the girl I love back. To tell her I do love her and want to be with her, to tell her I was just afraid. But she doesn't want to come back now, and I can't really blame her. Everything I did was so terrible, I know that.
And she would never believe that I didn't actually wanted to end it.
I know in the end I got what I deserved, that what I did to my girlfriend was wrong, what I did to the other girl was wrong. I hurt everybody, even though it's the last thing I wanted.
I can't talk about sensitive things at all, I freeze completely. I get stuck in the middle of conversations and their meaning gets twisted.
Now I lost everything and to be honest, right now I feel that I don't deserve to live or want to live anymore. Life is is just too difficult and I'm back to feeling I'm a freak, I hurt the ones that mean the most, I ruined the rest of my own life and I'm completely lost.