Just wanted to reply to basically reiterate what everyone else is saying - you should really seek out some help. I mean that in a nice way also - not in a preachy kind of way. I too have struggled with HA for a long time, since I was young, and I understand how debilitating it is, and how scary it can be. After stressing over it for 6 weeks, I saw my GP last night who referred me to a psychologist. The relief I feel knowing that I might start to get some support with this thing is immense, as is the reassurance the doctor gave me that the physical thing I'd been worrying about (some weird spot on my neck) was nothing.
I know how hard it is - we all do on this forum - but you and your family are worth trying for. Your photo is so beautiful, and my heart goes out to you.