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Author Topic: (Two posts in a row, sorry!) I feel as if I'm losing it..  (Read 324 times)

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Offline emmmmaaaa

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(Two posts in a row, sorry!) I feel as if I'm losing it..
« on: June 09, 2014, 08:42:32 PM »
I'll try not to get too caught up in extra details, but starting in October (of 2013), I started to regress into a slump of OCD that I had escaped for quite a while. I'm nearing the end of my freshman year of high school, but it's been an absolutely horrible year. I suffered through some pretty traumatic trials on Zoloft (and being present at school during that time only made matters worse) and I truly never relaxed for a good 7 months. Throughout that period, I lost any motivation to do schoolwork, to hang out with friends, and to play sports. Prior to this year, I played on the high school basketball team because I got pulled up in 8th grade, I played volleyball, was on the honor roll, and I was never ever seen with a huge group of my friends. Things are so different now, because I have no motivation to play sports, and I'm trying my hardest in school, but nothing I do seems to get me the high 90 grades I had last year. I've spent a lot of days at school feeling like I'm going absolutely crazy, and it's terrifying just sitting there, and it actually feels like I need to run out, it feels like I'm all jittery and I can't think straight. I've been getting this since I was on the Zoloft (Obviously the medication is 100% out of my system as I discontinued taking it after 4 weeks) but I've been feeling the same "crazy" feeling, and I've never had it before in all of the 10 years I've had anxiety/OCD/hypochondria. I've also felt strangely irritable, and I just feel annoyed by everyone, to the point where I kind of just want to flail my arms and scream, and it even terrifies me to type that because I have no clue what's wrong with me, as that doesn't sound like a normal thing to do. I've NEVER been an angry or violent person, and prior to this year, I was never irritable. I'm so scared that this is the onset of psychosis or schizophrenia, and I'm so scared that I'm just going to lose it at school or in the middle of class and get carried away to a mental institution. All this anxiety has been subsiding on weekends lately, but it normally comes back during the week. I'm just so scared by my own thoughts that I want to run home and cry in my room alone, just to make sure that I wouldn't go crazy in public or anything. I often get thoughts of banging my head on a table or hurting others (my friends and family), and I even went through a point where thoughts of *****- never actual suicidal thoughts, just intrusive OCD thoughts- filled my mind almost every hour that I was awake. It's really terrifying, and I think my OCD might have been so bad today because I saw a TV show yesterday on schizophrenics, but I woke up this morning feeling strangely irritable. I've never had any issues with being a good student, but ever since midterms this year my mind completely races at tests and I often end up panicking a lot, which is why finals are now stressing me out a lot, and I want to cry because I don't even want to take them. I feel like after what happened this year, I definitely won't be able to attend public school anymore, and I'm so scared. It's been an on and off battle every single week with hm family because I often have at least one day a week where I'm absent due to really intense anxiety about either my emetephobia or other OCD issues. (I've always had "school refusal"- not truancy!!- behaviors) and my parents have gotten to the point where they've threatened me with hospitalization (a mental hospital), special ed, and they often ground me for my anxious behaviors.

I'm so terrified, and I know that I really need to finish out school and finals as there's only one week of classes and then finals, but I feel like I'll go crazy before then, please help :( Should I make an appointment with my therapist? I haven't seen him in a few weeks because I've been doing progressively better- yet I'm really scared to tell him my true thoughts and feelings because I'm scared he'll put me in a mental hospital, despite the fact that he continually tells me that I won't "go crazy" and that I'm more sane than most people he knows. Yet I still don't feel sane, so help please? :( I just want to be back to my normal self again.
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OCD // Emetephobia // Hypochondria //

Offline gtripoli

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Re: (Two posts in a row, sorry!) I feel as if I'm losing it..
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2014, 02:51:21 PM »
So I take it you were officially diagnosed with OCD? If so, it seems like your family needs some education as to how they can help you. Your anxiety is not your fault, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for having this condition. It just is. If you could control it or get rid of it, you would have by now.

Definitely go back to your therapist. Does he/she specialize in OCD? If not, I would recommend finding someone that does and tell them everything. They can't treat you properly unless you tell them everything.

OCD isn't curable, but it is manageable with treatment. You don't have to suffer.
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Offline healyshouse

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Re: (Two posts in a row, sorry!) I feel as if I'm losing it..
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2014, 05:59:13 AM »
i had pure o harming thoughts and thoughts that people where after me want to poison me and so it was relentless. A felt I was losing my mind, felt disconnected from the world felt as if I wasnít real.. felt like I was on another planet. All of this was down to my anxiety but my anxiety kept me thinking I was going schitz

if you can be rational about the thoughts and no that its not real then you are not schitz, as if you where you wouldnít question the thoughts as they would be 100% real to you.

You cant just become schitz thatís impossible. Some one in your family tree would need to have had it.. its is just your anxiety playing tricks on you to keep you feeling the way you do and because you are questioning it and I bet no doubt goggling it and looking for answers and to prove your not is just playing into its hands. 

i read a book called at last a life by Paul David (Google it he also has a website)

by reading the book i discovered why i felt the way i did where i was going wrong and why it was a never ending battle in my head!

now i donít have a battle in my head and the pure o thoughts very rarely come in to my head and i know longer worry about people being after me.

in my case it all came down to being scared of being schitz...

for me to explain it all would be like writing a book lol but please have a look on his website, what he says is hard to do as it takes time.

its all about acceptance that you have anxiety, living your life with all the thoughts screaming and kicking,

basically you have now formed a habit of questioning these thoughts and the habit needs to be broken and to learn to leave them alone as its all just and off shot of anxiety.

past thoughts also are a bit of a nightmare remembering everything that ran through your head and when you felt that way..

i believe it is completely possible to recover as i am about 96% better than i was back in September 2013.

read my old posts and you will see how bad i was and where i am now,

my aim now is to try and help people who are in the same position i was in last year..

Google anxiety no more.  and read of the page.

its not specific to pure o but intrusive thoughts are intrusive thoughts weather it be one thing or another as a thought is just a thought

and by the way being irritable is just one of the many symptoms of anxiety/ocd.

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" you will never get better until you stop trying to get better" By Paul David author of " at last a life"