Oh I've done it now. I'm in the pickle jar. I am suffering from an absolute plethora of mental dilemas and strange thoughts. My mind is literally a mixed bag of assorted colorful candies.. And instead of caramel and chocolate, it's Existential Anxiety and Depersonalization. My mind is a potluck of steamy meats and sauces... But instead of gravy and chicken, it's Dissociation and Derealization. I have gotten to the point where the Depersonalization and Derealization have reversed... And I feel hyper-conscious. I feel TOO alive. And when I'm not hyper-conscious, I'm thinking about how weird it is to even be alive in the first place. And then I get anxiety because of those thoughts. This leads to more hyper-consciousness and more anxiety, and more feelings of dread and unwantedness. A big loopty-loop. And I hate it.
But literally... All of this. ALL OF THIS^ goes away completely when I'm distracted. 100% absolutely gone when I'm distracted. (Distracted meaning when I'm having a lot of fun with my friends or at school) Why is that? Is it the anxiety causing the strange thoughts... Or the strange thoughts causing the anxiety? It's absolute Hell on the weekends, but I feel great during the day at school, only to feel like crap again at hope when I start thinking about it again.