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Author Topic: Introduction: New PTSD Member Here - Scared of Happiness?  (Read 159 times)

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Offline Texanna

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Introduction: New PTSD Member Here - Scared of Happiness?
« on: June 05, 2014, 10:38:57 AM »
This is so hard to write. Here I go anyway.

I had several different stepfathers as a child. They were all abusive in one or more ways. At 17, I was forced to leave home and wound up living with an abusive boyfriend for 7 years. When I left him, he started stalking me. He would stand outside my job with flowers and make scenes in the parking lot. Crying and begging me to go back to me. Threatening me. It was scary. A friend of ours who was a cop offered to escort me home and to work. Eventually, we started dating. Foolishly, I married him without knowing him well enough. He turned into a monster after we were married. He was physically and mentally abusive. He did not let me leave the house without him unless I was going to work. I wasn't allowed to have any money or friends. He cut me off from my family. We had a child together and would have had two but he beat me until I had a miscarriage. With the love and support of a friend I made at work, I managed to leave him. Because she had helped me, he was threatening both our lives. One day he showed up where we worked and took us hostage at gun point. After an hour, he let her go. After 10hours with him in the store, I ran for the door when he was on the phone with the police. I was afraid the whole time he was going to shoot me in the back. He killed himself a few hours after I got away. I"m shaking just thinking about it. That was 14 years ago.

I didn't think I would ever date again, much less marry. But I did. I met the most wonderful man through work. We were friends for awhile, then we dated. My daughter and I both fell in love with him. We've been married 12years. We have 3 daughters now and just moved into our new house. I still get these horrible episodes where I'm so scared that something bad is going to happen. I can imagine all sorts of terrible things. I can't start listing them hear or I will get myself more freaked out. I will spend all day shaking, in tears.

I've tried several medications but I can't take them. Why after all this time am I still so scared? I don't understand why I can't just be happy. When I get like this, I usually try to hide it and just say I have a headache so I can go to bed early. When he does figure out what's going on with me, my husband is very supportive and tries so hard to reassure me, tries to make me feel safe. But then, I just wind up feeling guilty for worrying him. And convince myself that he's going to get tired of my "issues" and just leave me.

How can I get this fear under control?
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Offline MobileChucko

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Re: Introduction: New PTSD Member Here - Scared of Happiness?
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2014, 11:17:46 AM »
Hello Anna...  Welcome to Anxiety Zone!  My name is Chuck, and I am one of the Global Moderators here on the site.

You are now a member of our community, where you will find support and advice from other members in similar situations.   It's always nice to find someone else who understands, and to know you're not alone.

We have sections in the forum that address specific concerns, so feel free to post or start a new topic in the section that best fits your situation.  Feel free to explore the rest of the forum.  You may find the other topics helpful, and you may be able to offer advice or support to someone else.

We also have a chat room for members over the age of 18.  Once you have made three meaningful posts, you will be allowed access to the chat room.

Anna, I know that in your post you mentioned that you tried several medications, but could not take them.  Starting an anti-depressant medication is not easy, as there is often times start-up side effects that can temporarily make a bad situation worse.  These side effects do tend to diminish greatly, 2-3 weeks after starting an anti-depressant.

If you haven't already done so, I would suggest that you consider seeing a therapist/psychologist for treatment.  A trained therapist will be able to provide you with a diagnosis, and determine which road of therapy would best suit you.

I am glad that you have joined us here on Anxiety Zone, Anna.  The very best to you!...  Chuck
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