This is so hard to write. Here I go anyway.
I had several different stepfathers as a child. They were all abusive in one or more ways. At 17, I was forced to leave home and wound up living with an abusive boyfriend for 7 years. When I left him, he started stalking me. He would stand outside my job with flowers and make scenes in the parking lot. Crying and begging me to go back to me. Threatening me. It was scary. A friend of ours who was a cop offered to escort me home and to work. Eventually, we started dating. Foolishly, I married him without knowing him well enough. He turned into a monster after we were married. He was physically and mentally abusive. He did not let me leave the house without him unless I was going to work. I wasn't allowed to have any money or friends. He cut me off from my family. We had a child together and would have had two but he beat me until I had a miscarriage. With the love and support of a friend I made at work, I managed to leave him. Because she had helped me, he was threatening both our lives. One day he showed up where we worked and took us hostage at gun point. After an hour, he let her go. After 10hours with him in the store, I ran for the door when he was on the phone with the police. I was afraid the whole time he was going to shoot me in the back. He killed himself a few hours after I got away. I"m shaking just thinking about it. That was 14 years ago.
I didn't think I would ever date again, much less marry. But I did. I met the most wonderful man through work. We were friends for awhile, then we dated. My daughter and I both fell in love with him. We've been married 12years. We have 3 daughters now and just moved into our new house. I still get these horrible episodes where I'm so scared that something bad is going to happen. I can imagine all sorts of terrible things. I can't start listing them hear or I will get myself more freaked out. I will spend all day shaking, in tears.
I've tried several medications but I can't take them. Why after all this time am I still so scared? I don't understand why I can't just be happy. When I get like this, I usually try to hide it and just say I have a headache so I can go to bed early. When he does figure out what's going on with me, my husband is very supportive and tries so hard to reassure me, tries to make me feel safe. But then, I just wind up feeling guilty for worrying him. And convince myself that he's going to get tired of my "issues" and just leave me.
How can I get this fear under control?