Me and a guy where friends for over a year.. We had a huge fight where he said things that really hurted my feelings and left us to not talking for 6 months.
January he contacted me again.. We talked things out and again we became the close friends we once were..
He had problems with health anxiety.. Thought he was going to die because of some disease.. I've Always been there for him, supported him and did everything i could. He got a little bit better and we got even closer.. To a point different friends of both of us thought we were together.. Wich we werent. Then they asked why not cause we clearly liked eachother more then just close friends. In the end after a few talks we realized we both really liked eachother.. We got together and we had an amazing time for a month :) Then his behaviour started to change towards me.. It was almost like he didnt have to consider my feelings and just idk how to explain really.. He just changed alot in his attitude. It felt like u would slap someone pretty hard and then afterwards gave it a kiss and ur suppose to forget the slap ever happend.
Everytime when i told him that he got this cocky attitude up wich made me more mad. So instead of Always keeping my mouth shut so it wouldnt go worse.. I spit everything out. He said none of it was true. yet i was the on crying.. again. A day after he said he probably is just a sociopath cuz of all these things and he started looking up.. His anxiety returned and it went from sociopath to psychopath to alzheimer to parkinson to any mental disease possible.. I was still there for him. I myself have anxiety also.. Not in that degree but i had all my own stuff and i had to deal with his and my own.. I started to question myself if he ever really loved me.. I still question it or that he just needed me. I didnt feel any form of love from him since the last fight. Yet he Always said he still does and how bad he felt about how he treated me. Those felt like.. Just empty words? I couldnt take it anymore at one point and i broke up. I was still there as his best friend just as before.. But not at his girlfriend. He claims he still loves me and wants me in his future as more then a friend but as his girlfriend. I just dont believe him..I had the feeling he is so self absorbed that doesnt really feel bad about it all. When i say some about it he gets mad and then he says he thinks about it ALL THE TIME. Wich is very hard to believe since he Always talks about his anxiety. Only when i say something then i get this huge rant like 'How dare u think that' I recently heard that he said that he didnt feel joy or sadness when i broke up with him.. He said to me he was heartbroken.. He also said he doesnt even know if he loved me when we were together or he just needed me.. Wich he claimed Thousand times that he does love me more then he ever loved anyone. So what i earlier felt and was anxious about appeard to be true..
I felt like i just got slapped in my face after finding this out. I confronted him with this.. And he didnt deny he said it exactly like that.. But i dont understand, i took it wrong.. I missinterpreted it.. That was when he was convinced he was a sociopath so he copied the symptoms of sociopath and he believed he truly felt like that.. But he realizes now he isnt a sociopath cuz he still loves me.. Yet.. his timing is off. The time he said it he was already convinced he wasnt a sociopath.. I dont feel energy to confront him even more with it.. It hurts as hell and when im emotional i often cant find the right words and then im bad at explaining.
After a few days of me being more quiet then usual i tried to be as normal as possibly again.. To be there for him.. to support him. Just the moment i act a bit more normal its like he thinks all is good.. All is forgiven and forgotten.. Cuz i felt like that i told him that i still feel horribly hurt and he said he understand. but yet he again started that its all cuz of his stuff going on. And that the only reason he wants to get better is so we can be better again.. as a couple again.
Besides all this.. Ive Always been there for him.. Always listend even when i was mad.. If he needed me i was there. But the other way around.. I tried a few times to talk to him when i needed him. And then he takes one thing i say shortly after as me being annoyed or any other excuse.. Then he starts a fight about it. When i actually just need him to be there for once for me. Afterwards he says its my own fault cuz i dont show i appreciate him being there for me.. But he isnt
Last time i tried i was crying and halfway trough what i said, he picked up a line and started talking about his own.. And so in the end i listend to his while i was crying about my own.
Everyday we get into a small annoyance/fight.. Usually over something he does or says thats hurtfull or disrespectfull.. Wich he first gets mad about then afterwards usually gives me right and blames it on his stuff.
Sometimes its me thats oversensitive too probably.. But im only human, theres only so much i can take :c
Mostly he says 'I can never do something right or i Always do some wrong' It feels like he's trying to make me feel guilty.. And i do feel guilty! Ive been there for 7 months non stop for him and now after the last thing that happend its soo hard for me.. I am just soo hurt. Ive Always had those doubts and they just got confirmed and my world crashed no matter what explanation he gave afterwards.
Now lately he said a few times all his mental disease anxiety started after i said how he treated me. 'It started because you said.... ' 'You broke up and i got even way worse.... ' Again here also he says those stuff and afterwards he says its not my fault at all.. Its his own fault.. But he keeps mentioning it like that.. Wich makes me feel incredibly guilty and makes me feel like everything is just my fault.
I just dont know what to do anymore. I know he doesnt have it easy with all his problems going on and im still trying to be there as much as i can.. But on the other hand i feel just so STUPID. Stupid that i kept holding on to those magical time we had when it was all good.. I feel like ive been blind for holding on to something thats not even true. I just feel like crying all the time.. I feel pathetic to the max.
Is there anyone who can relate or give me advice cuz im completely torn into pieces :'(