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Author Topic: My Turn! Ridiculous Thoughts/Need some support  (Read 360 times)

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Offline StudentOfHope

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My Turn! Ridiculous Thoughts/Need some support
« on: May 29, 2014, 11:13:28 AM »
I've posted here a few times- my fears are really out there, although I can relate to other posts here that I've read!
I am currently studying for a master in (what else) mental health counseling, and am working with individuals with addiction disorders.
I've been through many classes, including psychopathology- and my mind gets glued to fearing psychosis and dissociative disorders.

I'd been diagnosed with OCD many years ago and have an awesome doctor who is completely aware of my fears/thoughts..including what I am about to share.
But sometimes I feel so isolated because of the nature of my "obsessions" and want to know whether anyone here has had anything similar!!

Sometimes I experience the derealization issue (feeling out of sorts/out of body) when I am in a level of heightened anxiety.  My brain has made up its own imaginary friend, for lack of a better term, and those thoughts come in as a "voice" even though I know its my own brain making up the thoughts, and it is essentially me talking to me.  Everyone has thoughts in their head, that is their own "voice" which is the same with me.  Of course when this first started, I freaked out and, like many here, was afraid I was losing it, or experiencing what I now know to be a psychotic feature (hallucinations).  All the while I have always been able to function, work, be in school, etc.. my doctor has always worked with me through behavioral therapy and I know I am not hallucinating...but I can't help but worry I am slipping into crazy. 

Well, my other fear is at times that I am dissociating, and that my internal voice thoughts are me having an identity disorder.  Again, I know I am only one person, I've never slipped into another identity, and I am always very aware of what I am going through.... etc.. so I am always ME.  But, it is very scary to feel that anxious derealization and have those thoughts.  Then I get freaked out that maybe I am dissociating or something, or that I am going crazy, or whatnot....that maybe all these years my doctor has misdiagnosed me.  Which, I know to be a matter of OCD, that we question everything.

I don't know whether I am making any sense at all, but, I guess I could summarize this by saying I fear dissociation, or essentially losing a grip on my own self and whatnot.  I'd love to know whether anyone else has experienced these fears and what you've done to alleviate them??

I really appreciate any support you can give me.

Best,
Andrea

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Offline e77

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Re: My Turn! Ridiculous Thoughts/Need some support
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2014, 11:51:48 AM »
Very common for people studying health/medical fields to see a little of themselves in the various conditions.  Doctors in training go through the same thing.  I believe what Claire Weekes stated in her books that we do so much anxious brooding/introspection that we lose touch a bit with the world around us and experience things like derealization.  Our fears also get intensified by the physical sensations of fear.  Your post is very rationale and reasonable and does not sound like a person losing their mind! A person in psychosis believes their hallucinations.  You are not in that place.  Wishing you the best with your studies.
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Offline StudentOfHope

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Re: My Turn! Ridiculous Thoughts/Need some support
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2014, 02:55:44 PM »
I very much appreciate your response.  I've read the Claire Weeks book in the past- it is a very good guide for people who need "help and hope for their nerves" .  :)  The title makes me laugh; it is very down-to-earth- which is great!

I may benefit from reading through it once again.  It has been a long while.  In the meantime, I want to thank you again for spending time to read through my post and send me your thoughts.  They really do help!  It is amazing how I can be completely immersed in studies of pathology and yet am unable to separate myself from what I know to be true (to the degree of discontinuing to fight the irrationality of the thought process).

I hope you're doing well!

-A
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Offline Myocdragon

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Re: My Turn! Ridiculous Thoughts/Need some support
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2014, 04:24:34 PM »
Just want to throw my lot in w/e77 there. This is such a common issue for MDs in training. And for someone with OCD to be studying mental health issues, well it's a gimme that you'd identify with all sorts of symptoms. If I were playing the Name That Cognitive Distortion game with what you've described, I would say Magnification. You read about these things, and then immediately and continually check in with your own thinking to see if you manifest any of them. And the moment you feel the slightest bit of resonance, real or imagined, your OCD jumps on it like a dog on a bone. You magnify its significance so much that you convince yourself it is something it's not. People with OCD are the undisputed universal champions of pattern recognition, especially those patterns that we've manufactured.
Remember:
Thoughts are not reality. You don't have to think these thoughts.
OCD feeds itself by making you think that you're working out a problem by ruminating on it. But you're not. Your just generating anxiety to fuel the OCD.

You sound like a perfectly reasonable person suffering from OCD. Good luck.
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I'm not crazy, I've just lost my mind

Offline quinnyhendrix

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Re: My Turn! Ridiculous Thoughts/Need some support
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2014, 05:51:34 AM »
Feel the same way.   Stag strong!
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Offline StudentOfHope

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Re: My Turn! Ridiculous Thoughts/Need some support
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2014, 11:19:20 AM »
Thank you OCDdragon (great name!) and Hendrix for your support.  Everyone has had great ideas/input and I really appreciate and need it at times. :)
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Offline gtripoli

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Re: My Turn! Ridiculous Thoughts/Need some support
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2014, 12:21:12 PM »
I'd love to know whether anyone else has experienced these fears and what you've done to alleviate them??

The issue is not that you have those fears. Everyone has those thoughts/fears. I have very similar ones with my OCD as well. The real issue is in trying to alleviate the fears. You will never find the certainty you are looking for. No one knows if they will go crazy some day.

Instead of endlessly seeking an answer, try to allow yourself to feel the anxiety of not knowing the answer. You may be surprised that nothing happens.
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Offline losing grip

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Re: My Turn! Ridiculous Thoughts/Need some support
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2014, 11:01:53 PM »
Often times i experience feelings like that in my dreams. Where something really bad will happen but i will only be watching from above...
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Offline StudentOfHope

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Re: My Turn! Ridiculous Thoughts/Need some support
« Reply #8 on: June 06, 2014, 07:30:03 AM »
Gtripoli- you're response was spot on!  Lol-
You have a leg up on this; I come to the board to
Check (compulsion) as I just can't help myself- especially
When I become anxious.  But you are exactly right!  Indulging
In reassurance-seeking behaviors only strengthens the beastly
Obsessesions.

I really appreciate your post!
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Offline gtripoli

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Re: My Turn! Ridiculous Thoughts/Need some support
« Reply #9 on: June 06, 2014, 08:44:03 PM »
Gtripoli- you're response was spot on!  Lol-
You have a leg up on this; I come to the board to
Check (compulsion) as I just can't help myself- especially
When I become anxious.  But you are exactly right!  Indulging
In reassurance-seeking behaviors only strengthens the beastly
Obsessesions.

I really appreciate your post!

Thanks. I talk a good game, but I have the same troubles with my compulsions as everyone else. These forums tend to be a bit of a compulsion for me as well, so I am trying to limit my access to them to a couple times a day. I also have the urge to research OCD to no end, hoping that I will stumble across a new trick to beating OCD. I really need to just need to follow my own advice.
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