Im 24 years old and since i've been 8 years old ive been trough situations in life that have traumatized me and put me in and out of depressions.
I studied Psychology (wich i never finished) But ever since then i realised that all these years i also suffered from Social Anxiety.
When i was 8 years old my mom had a heart attack and we didnt know if she was going to recover or not.
At the age of 9 my dad was diagnosed with mouth/trought cancer (idk if i spelled that correctly)
For the country i live in, the treatment of that specific cancer was pretty new/experimental. They cut away half his face/tounge, took away cheek/chin bones and sew his tounge to his lip with a piece of skin of somewhere in between. This was really not a pretty sight for any child or adult.
I remember that i felt extremely lonely. I was just there.. My mom had to take care of my dad 24/7.
Eventually one night my mom said i could go spend the night with my big brother and his gf, they where going to make it a special night with movies of my choice.. Just so i could be away from everything for once. She told me to go say Goodbye to my dad and get ready to leave...
That night my dad died, and i remember i couldnt say goodbye fast enough cuz i really wanted to go spend that evening.
This haunts me till this day. I've never been able to get over that and probably never will.
A year after my uncle died in front of my eyes. And nothing i could do. The family of my father 'dumped' me, cuz he wasnt there anymore so ya.
My mom had another heart attack and a bleeding in the brain. She had breastcancer and a month after she was in remission she got it back in the other breast..
I've dealt with soo much loss and pain that when you tell ppl even a slightest thing they look at you with disbelief. This is even very short and just few 'highlights'
In the time shortly after my mom had her second heartattack i started developing Social Anxiety and GAD.
I was scared of everything. My biggest fear was also losing my mom. That triggerd the Social Anxiety cuz i didnt want to go to school and leave my mom.
Wich on his turn made me really fear going back to school each time.. Cuz the reaction of the kids and the bullying about all this. Ive had quite some panic attacks from normal ones to extremely bad ones. If i even thought about having a disease or pain, i actually got it shortly after. My self esteem got to a point below zero wich made all this even worse. Ive been at a point of not wanting to live with all this and the pain anymore. Ive been hospitalized for a depression at the age of 14.. At highschool i switched schools and directions everything 2 years if not every year. 'Its a new start! Ill try to make a change' (note that i didnt realize i had this) I made friends fast, but los them just as fast also. I couldnt keep myself together for longer then a month. I had to many fears. I started to get scared of taking the buss to school, from specific classes, assignments in group and etcetera.. It just got worse and worse. Once i ended up in the emergency room cuz i had a severe panic attack on the buss on my way to school. After highschool i went to take Psychology and there i realized i had all this and had to make a change. Yet i failed.. Alot and to the point i had to quit my studies cuz of this anxiety.
This has influenced me from my childhood to my adulthood.
At the age of 22 i finally started to getting better. Everything went fine and i could imagine a nice future again. Unfortunatly i had an accident then.
My knee got messed up. They couldnt find what it exactly was at first and alot of ppl around me thought i was faking the situation or was projecting/imagining it just as i did as a child. There was really somethin wrong and we are now 1year and a half further and its still messed up.
Ive been in sick relief ever since and being stuck at home it brought my social anxiety from 10% back to 80%.
I also got the fear of seeing my life flash by without living it. Stuck at home.. The dreams i finally had been crashed and burned.
The fear of not having an actual life, family, shortly the normal things a 'normal' person achieves.
I've met a guy in the time ive been home. This guy means alot to me.. We were friends for over a year and both realized at a point that it was alot more then friendship. Sadly.. This guy is also dealing with Social Anxiety, GAD, Adhd and is atm fearing he has Schizophrenia. We went from cloud nine to hell.
For 6 months ive been trying to be there for him. To help him trough it. Even when he hurt me by words or his actions, i kept being there and understand. We arent together at this point anymore. Cuz the moment it turned into the fear of having Schizo it got too far and i was suffering too much emotionally from my own mess and his. I reached my breakingpoint and couldnt be strong for both anymore.. I thought i would be hurt less by not being officially together anymore. Yet, i'm still there for him.. 24/7.. We talk all day. And suprise, i get hurt even more. He doesnt even realize how badly some things he says hurt me.
I have all these things myself and cant talk to him about it, cuz he's for one too obsessed with his own. Two, if i even try to slightly say some he automaticly jumps in with his. Three, if its something he doesnt have, 95% sure one day in the near future he has it too. And fourth.. I feel soo guilty..
How can i bother him with mine if he suffers himself, Fifth, He keeps saying he is there for me, but he actually isnt at all. Often he 'missunderstood' something where he then says something so off that annoys/hurts me and when i do say something about it he jumps on that to start a fight. To afterwards say its ME who does it so in the future i can blame him for not being there. He doesnt see he actually isnt. I dont expect him to be there too cuz i understand how hard he has it himself. But thats wrong in his eyes too.. Whatever i do or say.. He Always finds a way to twist and turn it around and say how i dont get anything or dont see it.
Often i wonder how and where he gets the energy to fight and EXPLAIN everything that much. Cuz when we have a fight i often feel like my head is spinning and everything doesnt make sense anymore. I get annoyed and mad alot already cuz of things he says or does that really hurt me. Often its me being oversensitive too cuz of all the other times ive been hurt. That also gives me guilt.
I'm completely stuck atm. I dont know how to handle my own anxiety anymore and i certainly dont know how to handle the last part..
Writing this on here feels like a small step forward, cuz i've never told anyone these things. I've Always kept it to myself.
I'm sorry for the long read