hello. I have suffered for many years with depression and anxiety issues, but until the past 2-3 months, i have been fully functional, just living with my worrying nature and blues. I still was able to live a full life--work, write, be a mom and wife, enjoy friends, music, etc. Things started to spiral after 2 very stressful years, when my husband was out of work and i returned to a FT job after being an at home writer for 14 years. in october 2012, when i had been at my job for about 9 months, my then 12 year old daughter began refusing to go to school. she had been in therapy but took a real turn during puberty. she has abandonment issues, from being adopted and leaving her foster family to come to us at 16 months. she ended up cutting herself and eventually being hospitalized for depression and anxiety. leaving her at the hospital was the worst nigth of my life, but my job insisted i come in the next day since i was out of vacation time and had not yet been there a year. i was our sole source of income, health insurance, etc, and had to work while constantly worrying about my daughter. there's more to it, but that's the outline. then, my husband thankfully got a job this past november, but we decided i shoudl keep working a few more months to try to pay off some debts. then i began having repeated and extremely painful kidney stone episodes, leading to several ER trips. i decided to leave my job and return to working at home. but 2 months ago in addition to the kidney stones i developed vertigo and dizziness, which the drs have not been able to figure out.
all of this has put me into a kind of anxiety and depression that i had never experienced. i wake up crying and shaking every day. i am seeing a therapist, whom i'd seen some years back. i have been in and out of therapy since my 20s. i had been on prozac for many years, but took myself off last fall (prob not a good idea). i went back on it through a new psych nurse practitioner, and after 4 weeks it wasn't working. she recently switched me to zoloft, and i'm also on xanax.
it's only been 3 days on the zoloft, so i know i can't know if it's working yet. the xanax takes the edge off but makes me very tired and foggy and does nothing to help with the depression. i'm still anxious even with the xanax. i'm feeling horribly guilty for all of this. i can barely get up and down the stairs, i'm so tired and dizzy. my daughter is doing a bit better, and is in school, but still struggles. she is understandably very angry and worried seeing me this way. she counts on me, and i'm a mess. my husband is being helpful but he works 10-12 hours a day, and this is draining on him, too. i've found myself wracked with guilt, even though i know this isn't my fault. but it still feels like it, like i should be able to just get over this and be a wife, mother and normal person again.
in addition to the last 2 stressful years, i have found old griefs are flooding me. i lost my dad when i was 15 to a heart attack (we never ever discussed it after, no feelings allowed in my house), and then my mom when i was 25 to cancer. i find myself in such deep grief about their loss, which i never really processed in a deep way.
having therapy twice a week (once with my therapist and once with NP) isn't enough. and it's expensive and we're in debt. i don't want to be hospitalized inpatient; my daughter needs me here. and i don't know what 5 days would do for me.
i don't want to hear any horror stories about zoloft, but i'm wondering if lexipro might be better for me? i feel so much more tired just 3 days into zoloft, and have begun getting diarrhea (forgive the detail), which i heard is a possible side effect of zoloft.
I so want to be myself again.