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Author Topic: Total fear has taken me over  (Read 293 times)

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Offline mtown67

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Total fear has taken me over
« on: May 19, 2014, 01:41:34 AM »
I am bipolar and suffer from GAD as well. I am currently in a very dark hole that I can't dig myself out of. I feel worthless. I am no good. I find myself not leaving my house just out of fear itself. I have trouble with hygiene and eat horribly. I have totally let myself go physically. I am on medication to treat both conditions, but I find that my depression fuels my anxiety. I have asked my doctor to change my medication for depression, but he refuses. Instead he just ups the dosage. I am suffering all the classic symptoms of GAD. It has been going on for years with no help in sight. The therapist I have called me "spineless" that last session I had. I know what she was trying to do, but it didn't work. Sadly I agreed with her. I am crippled by fear. I am reaching out here and now for any help. I am looking into CBT which my therapist touched on but never applied it to me. I am also trying to get a hold of *sickofbeingsick09*. She is a member her. I read a post of hers from 2009 and would like to talk to her. So if anyone can help me with her too that would be great. Thank you.
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Offline an0nym0us

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2014, 09:57:01 AM »
I'm afraid I can't help you get in touch with that user as I am a new user myself but I can tell you I was in a very similar place a year ago.

When I was a teenager it became increasingly difficult for me to be around other people. I started skipping school and sometimes leaving during the day when the fear and panic became unbearable. When I was sixteen I finally made it official and just dropped out. At eighteen I got my GED. I tried starting college during that year. I found I was experiencing the same issues at college that I was at high school. I dropped out again and I hated myself more than ever. I spent the next four years or so too afraid to leave my house and very rarely even leaving my room, I would panic if I could hear a neighbor talking outside. My hygiene was horrible, I didn't even brush my hair. I've always had this long hair but when I finally began going out again after years I had to cut it all off; it had become one huge knot, it was impossible to salvage. I never ate, my weight went down to 95 pounds. When I was eighteen I had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. In my case the diagnosis was a false one and I am now not on any medication. But when I was on medication I was miserable. I had to take these very strong anti-psychotics; all with horrible side effects. They didn't seem to be helping me with my issues so my doctors just kept upping the dose. I'm not telling you this part because I'm saying that I believe your diagnosis is wrong, I have no way of knowing something like that, I just wanted to share my experience with medication, I understand how difficult it can be. I know of this site that may be worth checking out for you. I never actually used it, during the time when it would have been helpful to me I was avoiding all social contact including internet forums but I've heard good things about it. Don't be put off by the name of the site, it's made by and run by people who have been on these medications themselves.

http://www.crazymeds.us/

Here's what is says on their wiki:

"Welcome to Crazymeds, where you can learn what’s good, what’s bad, what’s interesting, and what’s plain weird and funny about the medications used to treat depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, epilepsy, migraines, anxiety, neuropathic pain, or whatever psychiatric and/or neurological condition you might have. The information on this site is to help you work with your doctor(s) to find the right treatment options. Too many of us get nothing more than 15-minute appointments with overworked doctors or nurse-practitioners, so we need all the help we can get. We need to talk to our prescribers about the best medication to treat our conditions, and not the most profitable ones, or the cheapest ones." (http://www.crazymeds.us/pmwiki/Main/HomePage)

I think on this site you will be able to find others who are in a similar position medication wise. I believe they also have a forum where users are able to ask questions and share their personal experiences.

I know that when you feel like you're in a hopeless place it's far too easy to feel as though it will never improve. I felt the same way a year ago. I'm not sure exactly what it was that brought it about but I was able to escape that hole. I'm not saying I've become a shining beacon of exemplary mental health. I still have a lot of anxiety. I still experience periods of extreme self-deprecation and depression. But I no longer feel like life is hopeless and unbearable. This is something to keep in mind, when things seem at their worst it feels like they will always be awful but in all likelihood they won't.

Please keep us posted. And reaching out is always a good step. I just came across this site myself and I've found it to be very reassuring. I hope you're able to find some help or reassurance here as well. I wish you the best of luck.
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Offline xogemxo

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2014, 10:48:36 AM »
Hi am sorry to here what ur goin through I myself have  gad and On meds but don't seem to work for me I've done cbt and it helps alot if you can find one try to go to it am ragin myns is over! I couldn't leave the house without thinkin I was going to die but eventually you will get sick of it and take a little control. Just set yourself little goals every day x
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Offline an0nym0us

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2014, 04:59:42 PM »
I agree with what xogemxo said about the daily goals. They don't have to be anything huge. It could even be something as simple as taking a shower.
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Offline mtown67

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2014, 06:25:53 PM »
It is all I can do to get on the computer and write this. I see my Psychiatrist on Wednesday hoping he will change my antidepressant. I am so down right now. Like I said earlier, my depression and anxiety are just spinning out of control. Anxiety is so bad it feel like needles stinging my skin, I am sweating profusely and I have developed involuntary leg contractions. I found out that is from the anxiety.

I was supposed to go to my primary doctor today and I cancelled. I could not get out of bed.

I feel alone, worthless, angry etc...

I have a feeling that my medication that I am taking for bipolar are contributing to the way I feel. Again, all that my Psychiatrist does is up my medication.

Something has to change.
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Offline an0nym0us

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2014, 08:00:51 PM »
I can understand where you're coming from. Things will improve though.

I don't know if this will help you but I personally find that when I have to go out and speak to someone I sometimes become too nervous to articulate my thoughts properly and comprehend any answers I manage to get. Later I've forgotten anything that was said in the meeting, though I likely didn't really hear it in the first place. If you feel like you've been unable to get through to your psychiatrist maybe write out some points you would like to bring up beforehand. Be very clear about what it is you're feeling. Leave space under each question so you can write down the answer or response of your doctor, this way you can keep yourself focused and get the answers your really need. Maybe even keep a journal or logbook of sorts to chronicle your moods throughout the next few days, just to give a very detailed picture of what it is you're going through. The more information your doctor has the better. And if you feel like this doctor is not respecting your feelings and your opinions don't be afraid to say something! I know this is easier said than done but remember: their job is to help you. I know any sort of project will feel very daunting to you right now but the journal doesn't need to be anything fancy. Just a few words that you will be able to understand later. When I'm experiencing extreme moods my perspective becomes warped and unreliable, I think often times I was unable to give my doctor an accurate depiction of what I was going through because of this as well as the reasons I listed above.

You are not alone. What you're describing truly does remind me of myself when I was going through something similar. I cancelled so many appointments in a row with my dentist that they temporarily dropped me as a patient. You are not worthless, you are just going through a tough time. Again: easier said than done, but don't be so hard on yourself.
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Offline mtown67

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2014, 12:22:17 AM »
Thanks an0nym0us. My memory is so fried. I had an accident 10 years ago and hit my head really hard. Frontal lobe. My longer term memory is shot. I can't remember my childhood much, which might be a good thing. But I think the medications are not helping my memory much either.

As far as a journal. I have attempted to write out my feelings. I start and I am good for a few days and then I just stop. I just have to concentrate which is very hard. Just typing this out right now is difficult. I just need to find the strength to try.

I am going to talk to my shrink and see if she can help me with CBT. I have been seeing her for 3 years and she has mentioned it and I was just blowing it off. I think I need to give it a big consideration. I have to watch myself as I get myself all excited about something new only to crash later. I have to pace myself.

One thing that frightens me the most is tomorrow. I have let go of the past. That was huge. Living for today is hard enough, but not knowing what the future holds scares me to death. Coping is my biggest problem right now.

Anyway, thank you all for the kind remarks.
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Offline an0nym0us

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2014, 03:38:43 AM »
Well, from what I remember from my own experience: medication can do a number on your memory. I know when I was on some of the meds I was on, I felt like I was half asleep even at my most alert of times. I'm sorry to hear about your accident.

An uncertain future can be an intimidating prospect for anyone. It's such a cliché but: just take it one day at a time. That's what I'm working on doing myself. Nobody really knows what their future holds, but it's not something you need to know at this moment. When you're in a place where you feel a bit more prepared to take on the world you can start thinking more about your future, but right now if it's just adding more stress and anxiety to the already considerable stress and anxiety you already feel, set it aside for a bit. Consider getting yourself out of this hole the first step towards a more positive future and make it your top priority. What you need to focus on right now is taking care of the current you.

I have certain shows, books, or games I use to lose myself for a while when I need to get out of my head. These are the entertainment equivalent of comfort food for me. Do you have anything like that you can use? The show Futurama usually does it for me.

Good luck with the CBT. I've never tried anything like that myself. When will you next see your therapist?
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Offline mtown67

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2014, 10:43:19 PM »
I see my Psychiatrist tomorrow to talk about my medication. Since I feel like none of it is working, I am going to ask him if he can ween me off all of it. Of course this will take some time. I have this sneaking suspicion that the medication is making me worse. I am taking Effexor and I hear that getting off of it can be a nightmare. Honestly, I don't care. I would like to see how I will be off my medications. Going to start with my antidepressant first and go to my Lamictal second. Lamictal is not easy to get off either. I just hope he does not give me any crap for wanting off the drugs. I mean I do pay his salary so he works for me.

I see my Psychologist next week. That should be interest since I have not seen her in two months. Get this, she is now on a quota from her boss. If patients don't improve they will let the patient go. Well I am not any better. So we will see what happens.

I purchased the best CBT book from Sam Obitz. I hear it is really good. I will keep you up to date on the read. There is also a thing called the T.E.A. form.  http://insightsynthesis.com/tag/tea-form-exercise/
I have not tried the T.E.A. form before. New to me too.

Anyway, I am sick of being this way and have to make some serious changes in my life. I think if I just dive into CBT and really try I might help myself. Something I have been unable to do for years.
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Offline an0nym0us

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2014, 05:29:07 AM »
I had a tough time getting off of all of my various medications as well. Just make sure you discuss it carefully with your doctor in order to see that it is done in the safest way possible.

That quota thing sound bizarre. I've never heard of something like that happening. Did she tell you this herself?

And it sounds like you're approaching this thing with a proactive mindset. That's great, keep it up! Don't be discouraged if things don't start to immediately improve though; these things take time and it's easy to lose heart when you feel like you've made a genuine effort but are seeing underwhelming results. That site in the link looks interesting. I want to look at it more carefully later when I have more time.
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Offline mtown67

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2014, 03:59:53 PM »
Went to the Psychologist today and I am weening off Geodon first. Going to take 2 months. Then we will tackle Effexor which will take much longer.

I am using the one day at a time approach. Although my anxiety is high, I am learn to cope. Let me tell you, it's hard without a pill. I was on Zanax for 6 years. Weening off took 3 months.

I have not had much interest in much with my depression. I am going to set a daily goal. Right now that is focusing on CBT.

Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it.
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Offline danilan80

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2014, 05:29:20 PM »
Sickofbeingsick09 is on chat here all the time. As am I. U should come on sometime. We would love to help and maybe talk you through some things if you're feeling down. Chat has helped me greatly over the years. Hope to see you there!
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Offline mtown67

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Re: Total fear has taken me over
« Reply #12 on: May 21, 2014, 11:12:25 PM »
Thank you Dani
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