Ok, let me start by saying, yes again, THANK YOU.
Things, of course, are not perfect. But this past weekend (not even weekend but multiple days in a rowq) was the best weekend we've had in god knows how long....months.
We started off Friday pretty good too, and both agreed to try to not fight over the weekend. Saturday we had a couple very small scuffles in the AM but we got through them well. I used everyone’s words of wisdom as strength to assess how I were to handle the situation and I've been able to adjust how I react and to use/not to use certain words.
Sunday I think we had an argument as well but we got over that one easy too...all in all it was a great weekend.
Monday we had a huge blow out in the afternoon and things spiraled out of control a little bit and this morning even was kind of bad. The saving grace following all of these recent arguments is that when the dust settles she acknowledges that she wishes she could control things better and that she hates the constant fighting and wishes it were better.
I know the constant fighting is really putting a toll on her (and me, but i can suck it up) and she’s struggling to figure out what to do/how to deal with it all.
AcousticDad - I like your suggestions.
1)Both of our kids are generally down and asleep by 730 (love having a schedule) and we go to the garage where we have some furniture and a tv to relax and unwind at the end of the night and we get ready and get to sleep at 10. So we do have the alone time, but it surely could be better utilized. Its usually spent silent, I’m on the phone playing some game unwinding from my day and she the same.
2) The writing down topics thing i foresee causing more issues and she does a great job at letting me know what she needs fixed on my end. I'm very low maintenance and can let (just about) anything roll off my back and all the issues I'd want her to fix are clearly things she cant control at the moment.
3) diffusing a situation - This I have a problem with (some have touched on this in their replies also already). I know exactly when she starts getting stressed and starts to loose her cool everything just rollercoasters out of control and there is no bringing her back in. She says "all you need to do is say sorry and it could be better" so I use that and say "sorry" right off the back, and its not the right thing to say at that time and I need to be more "real" with her. The big thing is i cant say "go take a break and we can talk about this at a later time when the dust settles" because of things in her past, she thinks that I'm dismissing her and walking away or trying to shut her up.
4) this is certainly needed I just have trouble finding new/original ideas. But i just need to boost this imagination.
Alexis - I really like your last point. I'm absolutely going to find some old dry erase board we have (somewhere) and hang it up and jot some notes and stuff down for her to see.
Also, send a big 'thank you' to your boyfriend for me. His words helped out this past weekend in some of our confrontations. The reminding that everything is ok and its not her fault, its her body doing this to her. The consoling her part is tricky. She’s gotten upset because I don’t hug her and show her love, yet the times I do decide to go in for the hug/affection she pushes away and says its not the time. I then get aggravated because at one time she says to show affection and others she pushes it away when I try....i must have really bad timing.
DiJoPa – Thanks…I’ll roll through it the best I can.
Jumper Firstly – Thank your husband for me for all he’s done. I did 6 Years in the military and have a CAM myself, however; luckily do not fight with PTSD.
I used your words this weekend too regarding the counter productivity regarding reasoning with someone who is being irrational. When I find myself trying to explain something it only makes it worse, so I do my best to answer what I need to, and hold off on everything else.
SacrificeIsLove Unfortunately, the quick getaways are not an option (as a couple anyway) due to the kiddo issue. And her form of relaxing is finding that quite place and cool down, which is cool with me. But I like your advice because it cements what was said by AcousticDad in his first point with the alone time and getting out of the situation.
Tinam7 I will compromise all day if needed and appreciated. I Love this woman and want to make it work because I know shes a great person, just struggling with some stuff she cant control. Looking forward to being in it for the long haul like you’ve been able to accomplish.
1) She she goes off in her anger and says all the small comments that she knows will get under my skin, she (like Alexis has said) says not to take it to heart and that she doesn’t mean it. But I feel like the stuff she says MUST has some truth to it. I cant understand why she would continuously repeat the things she says if there were not a shred of truth to it. I view it as being drunk and letting something slip out. You don’t mean to say it, but that truth is hidden there somewhere and you let it slip out. Is this a fair comparison or does she truly not mean it and just goes for anything she knows will upset me in her flair ups?
….I knew I had other questions and should have written them down, I cant remember any others at this time.
The counseling things is on the table for me, just a matter of when she will want to commit. My job offers something like 6 sessions as a couple and a few individual counselling sessions free of charge for both me and my spouse, and then if we need extra we can get them discounted, all completely anonyms. She’s skeptical of the anonymity of the sessions but I assure her that they are (as I am told and set up outside of my work as it is) and its free so who cares. That will come when it falls into place I suppose.
Again…thanks everyone and contribute any other insight you may have as well. You all have helped greatly and I’ll continue to ask away when something else comes up. And even see if there are some parts that I can help out others as well.