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Author Topic: Not wanting to... want children  (Read 228 times)

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Offline LivD

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Not wanting to... want children
« on: May 07, 2014, 10:26:42 AM »
Hi! I hope I can explain myself well. I'm 38, have been with my bf 12 years and are still much in love. He's a great person. I've always been the one who doesn't like small children, besides the thought of a pregnancy has always scared me.* Nothing changed in relation to that. But something else did: some time ago I started imagining me dealing with a child... not an infant and I liked the idea. I've started feeling conflicted and changing my mind every day or so. Having babies still seemed to me like a huge, overwhelming commitment. Besides, I'm a person who needs time alone and a child takes that away. But giving it up completely?... Total confusion.
Me and my bf never clearly stated what we wanted, it was always like "eh, maybe", so recently I asked him what he wanted and we agreed that one has to really really want a child. "It's a bet", he said and he's right. I was relieved after the conversation, the anxiety I felt while ruminating was gone. We would concentrate on our life together as usual (he's what counts most for me anyway). But now I can't stop thinking: are we doing the right thing? Will we regret it later? WHY this urge to have children? Is it just a biological clock which started ticking? I think it could be that, and in this case, will it STOP some time?
Thx!

*And of course I suffer from anxiety... A good friend of mine who suffers from it too (worse than me though) ***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS*** had terrible problems accepting her pregnancy and for a whole year she felt nothing towards her baby. She had therapy, now is much better and adores her baby girl, but her story is still scary...
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Not wanting to... want children
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2014, 05:57:36 AM »
This is one area that some people do say ' no kids ' and change their minds further down the line. Only some. Have a good friend who said no kids. She has four kids now. But for others they are simply not into having kids. It is not for them. That doesn't make them bad people at all. Just means they have made a choice in life. It is good you can both talk about it. That is important. Yes people with or without anxiety can suffer from various anxiety and depression disorders following birth. Not everybody. Just some. Just a case of knowing what you want in life and to keep talking with your partner over time and things will be well for both of you.
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Offline LivD

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Re: Not wanting to... want children
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2014, 06:59:22 AM »
Thanks for your reply. Yes, this isn't about being good or bad people (and I'm so tired of the people saying you "have" to have them or you're selfish etc. This is such a personal choice).
Besides, I think wanting children doesn't mean you're actually cut out for being a parent or that you'll be happy being one (even if you love and adore your kids). I see friends who are stressed all the time. I've heard parents telling me not to have children!  :laugh3: Listening to other people's experiences make me even more confused.
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Offline Stressed Jumper

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Re: Not wanting to... want children
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2014, 07:51:55 AM »
I am one of those women who has absolutely no desire for kids.  I am 34 and my biological clock never had batteries put in it evidently.  I find babies gross, would rather go one on one with a rabid gorilla than get pregnant, and can't stand small children.  I love my husband and we were both very clear about the no kids thing from the get go.  Am I selfish?  No!  I am just realistic about my desires and the fact that I would make a terrible mother.

Having kids is a personal issue...not something for friends and relatives to decide for you.  To quote a movie "Having a baby is sort of like getting a tattoo on your face...you have to be all in and don't let the artist pick the design."

If you want to take a trial run then babysit for a friend with kids and see how it suits you.  Or borrow a niece or nephew for a few days.  It might help you to make up your mind.  But whatever you choose has to be your choice...there is no right or wrong.
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Online tinam7

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Re: Not wanting to... want children
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2014, 08:00:23 AM »
This is the biggest decision in your life. It changes your life irrevocably for all time. As I see it now (in retrospect), nature and often nurture pretty much insist on making sure we reproduce. So it loads us up with hormones, makes it oh so pleasurable, makes such cute babies, and we are on our way.

I applaud you and everyone who considers this decision with consummate care and consideration and responsibility and great strength to decide for yourself.
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Offline LivD

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Re: Not wanting to... want children
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2014, 08:44:25 AM »
Thanks everybody! I feel more relaxed after discussing this and later I'll discuss it also with my therapist.
Unfortunately I have no nephews or nieces (well, my bf's nephew, but he's 22 and I met him when he was almost 11) and no opportunity to babysit friends' kids. But I have to admit, when I (rarely) spend time with an infant I got so bored... I only like older kids when they seem smart and funny. But even then, we're talking about short bus trips.
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