I havenít yet missed it Ė but convinced I will. Hereís the rundown:
- April 2: Panic attack and go for annual pap and HPV. Because I had spotting in 2012 and I talked endlessly about how I don't believe my fibroids could do this, I ended up with an endo biopsy. HORROR.
April 8: Lost about four lbs before learning all tests were normal.
April 14: Period comes. Why so short? OMG Ė itís not gonna come next month. Severe stress ensues.
April 15-25: A variety of signals that ovulation is pending. Let it lie right? Wrong, I have to get an Ovulation Test Kit! Have you ever done one of these? Yeah, donít.
April 27: Become convinced I will miss period and this will result in my learning I have ovarian cancer. Why ovaries? Because cervix and endometrium are covered already. I recognize the anxiety is floating.
April 28: After extreme panic, I rush into ER, fein pain and get a transvaginal and abdominal. They find nothing on my ovaries. I become obsessed with ovarian measurements.
Also: Why donít they see anything on there Ė no cyst or fluid. Does that mean no ovulation? Does that mean ovulation? What is going on???
Present: I am experiencing things that seem very PMS like, so hopeful a period comes. But convinced I have stressed myself out of a cycle, and once the period is missed:
- I will have to go to a new doctor (too embaressed to go to original and admit the ultrasound situation) who will want me to repeat everything all over again which will result in the REAL diagnosis (since I don't really believe my tests)
- I will miss a period and be so stressed out the entire cycle will repeat (so Iíll be so stressed out that once again, Iíll miss)
I have at least a 12 year history of extreme stress levels and havenít missed (had a four-day late cycle though in 2012) Ė so where this is coming from is strictly based on my personal fear theme for 2014.
I just need a sound voice of reason at this point Ö Iíve tried so hard to tell myself repeatedly that I have not missed a period and if I did, a doctor would either say wait it out or here's some progesterone, keep it movin'. But the what if voices are PROFOUND.
Some of you have seen how this has been playing out over the last month. This isht has really, REALLY started creating a problem: I was sent home to destress for two days from work last week after my boss caught me crying. I cannot seem to calm down - and it's so bizarre because I'VE ALREADY HAD ALL THE TESTING
I welcome any bit of peace. For real.