Hey, so. Iíve been plagued by irrational fears for the past yearÖ Iíve talked to a psychologist about it and she told me that I have ďan anxiety and compulsion problemĒ and yeah. Iíve been meaning to find a therapist, but things have been stressful in school and so I pushed everything asideÖ which was probably a mistake.
And now I have a pretty acute problem.
Iím supposed to go to a party on Thursday and Iím somehow utterly convinced that Iím going to die (in a car crash Ė this may have to do with the fact that a student from my school did, in fact, die in a car crash after a party). Iíve been feeling anxious about this for days and everything around me seems to fall into patterns... Iím probably overly obsessed with poetic stuff -- ďoh, wouldnít it be tragic if I died on the way to my first party, just after buying my prom dressĒ -- but yeah, this is the kind of thing I canít help but feeling right now.
I know this is probably not going to happen, as everything Iíve been afraid of during the past year hasnít come true, butÖ itís one thing knowing that by giving into my fears Iím letting them win and that I should be making steps forwards and not backwardsÖand another actually facing that.
Thereís also the fact that Iíve let things slideÖ Iíve got so many obsessions and I keep just giving into them because I feel like the fight is just not worth it. If a certain book lying on top of a pile keeps me from sleeping, Iíll just put another over it, etc. Iíve gotten used to all of that and so divorcing the fear from the event has become hard for me.
I really donít know what I should do. On the one hand, if I go there and everything goes alright, this would probably do a lot for me and my fearsÖ but Iím seriously so afraid and itís been making me feel sad and horrible and melancholy. Today a friend visited me and I almost started crying after she left (becauseÖwell). I feel like Iím condemned.
At times I can almost convince myself and manage to separate this thing from my anxiety, butÖ this is so intense and Iím so afraid. I feel like I ought to go, as if I'm a failure if I donít (shouldnít let my anxiety rule my life), but. Still. The fear is very bad.
Thereís also the fact that parties and clubs arenít my thing anyway and maybe all of this is just my huge nervousness about it manifesting. Maybe Iím stressing myself out about the whole thing too much Ė itís not like not going would be that badÖ but then again, maybe it is. Maybe I'm being overly whiny about this, but I...I really need help.
Can anybody give me some advice?
(I'm sorry if this isn't really coherent)