Please, don't berate me - I'm trying to fight this hypochondria demon so hard. I need someone to tell me these are NOT normal thoughts.
I got an email from my doctor today that my endometrial biopsy results, and the result of an HPV test I did are normal. She sent it through the Kaiser Permanente network internal email, which she talked on and on about at the appt. I wish I could say "all good!" but you all know how the monster works.
I've begun asking:
- How do I know that was really my doctor? what if it was someone else trying to calm me down??? (I called the office yesterday and today)
- What if I get a copy of the actual report and see something weird?
- What if they call back and say there was a mistake?
- I found out about this while sitting in another dr's office crying trying to lock down some xanax so I could not implode. Apparently, she had access to all of my charts through her system - including emails which become part of the record. She showed me that I had gotten an email with my results ironically around the time I actually got into the appt with her. We both looked at it; then I logged onto KP.org on my phone and confirmed the email was REAL. Sensing I still didn't believe, she showed me the reports right there on the screen. What if we weren't looking at the right ones? What if, what if, what if, etc.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.
It's not a joke or a game or something I do because it's fun - someone out there can feel me and knows what I mean. YOU WANT THE SH IT TO STOP - BUT IT JUST WON'T.
I am trying to fight: I made a last-minute appt with my psychologist tonight at 6 because I recognize that this thinking is OFF. I feel like getting my hands on a report, etc. would only make things worse
and that a person who did not suffer from hypochondria/OCD would never ask these questions or try to take things to another level
. They would trust the email and put this behind them.
DO I SOUND CRAZY?!?!?!?