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Author Topic: He is so childish.  (Read 471 times)

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Offline crazygirl1

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He is so childish.
« on: April 07, 2014, 11:03:23 AM »
Many of you know my history. I have a 7 yo dd whom I simply adore-she is the light of my world. My husband...is an idiot. I am planning to divorce him however at this time I am stuck where I am until I am better prepared to leave. He is an angry person. He always was, I just didn't see this until I was in too deep. He is so angry & his family even knows...you don't always see this side of him though. He had a few beers yesterday while we were all outside playing with my dd and I asked him ( very nicely) if he could turn the radio down. He threw something across the garage & turned the radio OFF. I tried talking calmly since my dd was nearby and asked him why he is so angry about that...he said he cant turn the radio down because then he cant hear it. I said fine but stop acting this way in front of our dd. This is typical behavior. One things that has kept me there unprepared fro too long, is that I am afraid of things like this happening when I am not there & he has our dd for visiting/parenting time. There would be no one to care for her, to console her IF he did stuff like this. Then again, the times he'd do it would be less most likely since I wouldn't be there. BUT...this is typical of him-so anybody else could set him off, not just me. In the grocery store a man was on his phone & rushing by, his cart bumped my husband & he pushed back angrily. I had to ask him to PLEASE dont do this kind of stuff in front of our dd. If the other person wanted to, he could have started a big commotion over this & my husband would have yelled & punched most likely....and it all would have scared my dd. 
What can I do? I've told him he needs anger management but he says he doesn't. I am afraid of this behavior scaring my child after we are apart & stuff like this happening when I'm not with them....maybe I should ask a judge to make him go to anger management for the sake of our child??
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2014, 05:55:37 AM »
You could make sure to raise the anger issues when things go to court. That you are worried for your son. To be left around a person with anger issues. The hard part might be proving it. He could simply deny it. If he ever got arrested because of his anger this would be a major plus. There would be a record of it to show a judge in court. You could use your phone and record him if he ever snaps. Not sure if they allow such a thing to be used in a court of law. May come down to your words against his. Which in a court is nothing at all. The judge would just ignore the issue. It is some form of evidence you need that he is like this.
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Offline tinam7

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2014, 08:52:17 AM »
Naive me wants to play shrink. It seems to me there are reasons why people behave as they do. I'd say he is angry because of much that failed him in his early life.

How can that be made up for him? Therapy? Medication? Perhaps massive doses of love from you, from his little girl. This may be pie in the sky, but so worth giving a try and exploring. In my view (and I'm at odds with many others) a child needs a mother and father. Preserving the family unit is what I'm about.
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Offline crazygirl1

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2014, 02:48:14 PM »
Yes I was about preserving the family unit as well and so gave all I had. Until I saw it just wasn't going to be enough. I agree that there are reasons for everything....though I cannot fix these issues for him. Because I cant fix this stuff I am left to deal with the effects it may have on our daughter. I have to constantly do damage control and that is not healthy for any of us.
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Revelation 7:17
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Offline tinam7

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2014, 08:28:17 AM »
No doubt it is very tough for you. But do you really have a choice? Would he ever give up all rights to see his daughter? Or would that only anger him even more? He could even be jealous of your love for your daughter.

Is there any way to recapture what brought you together to begin with? Maybe a weekend together, just the two of you?
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Offline crazygirl1

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2014, 10:10:45 AM »
No no & no. No way to recapture that-I was too young, didn't know who I was then yet. I feel the better choice to to not have my dd grow up seeing this as an example of love. I don't expect him to give up his rights to see his daughter-they do love each other & he is good to her when I am not in the picture to anger him.
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Revelation 7:17
 ... and God will wipe every tear from their eyes."

Offline tinam7

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2014, 11:11:45 AM »
Will latch on to "they do love each other and he is good to her when I'm not in the picture." He is capable of love.

So maybe you can separate amicably or live together amicably with simple consideration for one another if for no other reason than for the benefit of the daughter you both love.
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Offline crazygirl1

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2014, 11:49:32 AM »
Yes he is capable of love. But he's still an angry person. A few days ago we were talking about his anger and I remembered this:
last summer he had a few beers, was cooking on the grill, came inside to check something on tv-score or something. Our dd went into the living room to be with him, was playing. Something happened, I am not sure what but he said to her " don't talk to me..." and left to go back outside. This is how he treats ppl when he gets mad.
Turns out I found her sitting on her bed trying not to cry, she was so upset, she was 6 years old. Said Daddy was so upset with her that he told her not to talk to him. I went outside to talk with him At 1st he says what?? like he didn't remember or it didn't happen. Then he said she was jumping on the couch or something & he said to stop & she didn't. She's a great girl, but most kids don't do what you ask the 1st time you ask-at that age and energy level, in the moment. And even so-this behavior from an adult is abuse in my mind.
 This stings me to this day to think about it. To see her trying not to cry at that age. Because of her father. Anyway on 2 different occasions I've talked with him about this & each time he says something different.  She jumped on him & it hurt...she jumped off the couch and it annoyed him..whatever the case this behavior-his behavior is not ok. I do not forgive him because of how much it hurt her. This is the kind of stuff I'm afraid of happening when we divorce. And I will not be there to tell him how wrong childish and hurtful he is to his child. Keep in mind this is not the norm, this is not something he does regularly. But he shold never do it. what if....what if he does it again & I am not there to comfort her? Do I stay because of that? And in staying-show her that Daddy's selfishness must be ok because Mommy puts up with it. That men can treat women this way-it must be ok.
Do you see what I'm saying?
He may very well be jealous of my love for her. That doesn't change my love for her. His actions have taken away my love for him/ For a mother to see her husband treat their child cruelly -will take away her love. I have no love left for him because the years of how hes treated me chipped away so much. And then came the final straws-seeing him be so mean & selfish & cruel in front of her, that took care of what little was left.
So....do you get a picture of what I'm talking about? Yes he plays with her can be sweet & loving, but on occasion will do something so terrible-I call it abuse because a child has no way of coping with that kind of thing.
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Revelation 7:17
 ... and God will wipe every tear from their eyes."

Offline tinam7

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2014, 01:55:57 PM »
Attitudes have changed a great deal since I had young children. For better? For worse? Are there clear cut answers? Doubt it. He wants to be the center, she wants to be the center. Conflict prevails.

Why not try living separately? If he does not suit her on visits, she'll refuse to be with him. Or, he will accede to her and you'll have nothing to worry about. You will set the example you aim for.
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Offline crazygirl1

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2014, 02:19:44 PM »
Well..she is a young child-she never asks to be the center, she just wants to play-as all children want & need to do. She wouldn't refuse him because things are not that bad with them. She wouldn't want to leave me to be with him but here judges force that. I would want her to maintain a loving relationship with him also.
For better or worse...he allows no partnership. No communication. When there's an issue he just refuses to speak to me for weeks on end. Weeks.
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Revelation 7:17
 ... and God will wipe every tear from their eyes."

Offline tinam7

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2014, 04:14:06 PM »
What can anyone do with such behavior except try to get away, as you've tried. His need for control is beyond reasonableness, way out of line. He needs prof. help.

But you need support and resources too in order to help you cope with your situation. Perhaps Social Services and legal advice in your area can help. I am very sorry for your circumstances, admire you for your strength.
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Offline crazygirl1

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2014, 10:13:15 AM »
I feel that way too-that he needs help. It's incomprehensible to me that an adult say to a child "don't talk to me..." because they've done something the adult got mad about. I can't even put words to how that makes me feel....
I'm beginning to feel like I will have no choice but to tell him that he will need to get help if he wants to have regular visitation /parenting time with her.
In a way I feel like I am bailing on her--in divorcing him I get away from him but she will still be subject to this kind of behavior possibly from time to time.
It's hard because like I said they love each other & he is good to her most of the time. ....
thanks for the kind works, I don't feel very strong but thanks. And thanks fro talking this through with me-I really appreciate the chance to speak my feelings without someone walking away from me-shutting the door on them.
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Revelation 7:17
 ... and God will wipe every tear from their eyes."

Offline tinam7

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2014, 08:01:49 AM »
Even if you had the law on your side he might not comply with rules. So we are left to find alternative solutions. Doesn't divorce send his anger through the roof?

He felt severely disempowered in his early life. Yet his ability to love your daughter is intact. How can that be translated into empowerment? This is Home Politics, as I see it, for which there are few roadmaps. We must try, so tells me my subconscious this morning.
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Offline crazygirl1

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2014, 11:13:11 AM »
Divorce send his anger thru the roof...hmm...IF I were to go the usual route-with attorneys and claiming 1/2 of everything then yes it would. I however am planning it differently. I am planning to put aside the money I need to get a new place to live & the necessities I will need to care for my daughter & dogs. The rest, the house, everything, I am going to offer to him in lieu of his not forcing my daughter into doing the usual overnights until she is ready.
Backstory on this: my mother died when I was 28 of cancer so when my daughter was old enough to ask where my mommy is -we told her the truth, that she became very ill & died and went to Heaven. One time she was playing on the playground & met a little girl whose mother had become very sick & died at the hospital and so she had to move into her Grandma's house to live. These 2 things have had such an impact on my dd. When my dd was about 4 years old her Grandmother & I felt we may need to get her into sleepovers in case we ever needed to...long story short my dd was nearly inconsolable when bedtime came & she was not with me. So sleeping away from me is not really an option for my dd at this point in time. She's been scarred I feel by my losing my mother & her friend as well. She is afraid to be without me, afraid it means she will lose me maybe. We are working on this together, little by little I have gotten her to where she will at least go to the store with my husband without me and she's ok. But overnights? No..not healthy to force that upon her until she is ready to do it which in time I am sure she will be.
This is why I am saving my $ and am still there...so that I can be able to go without taking and fighting for anything.
This weekend was rough. I had family in the area visiting & it was important to me. My husband was rude. Quiet. Only friendly to  those family members who are good at placating ppl like him. He even jumped in the drivers seat so that I couldn't drive on the way to see them. I have to hold my breath in hopes that he isnt mean to them( he has been many times in the past) It is nerve wracking. It isn't healthy for me or my daughter because she feels every single ounce of tension between us. I was talking with a friend the other day. I told her what I was talking about here-feeling like I'm bailing on my dd because I wont have to deal so much with him, she will...my friend said that overall looking at this-it's healthier to have the day to day peace in our lives and face the possibility that incidences like the one I spoke of happening again...it's an outside chance he'll do things like that. I feel like she's right. Day to day my daughter & I can live & grow in peace and when she's with him she can enjoy the father daughter relationship without the tension in the air there is now.
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Revelation 7:17
 ... and God will wipe every tear from their eyes."

Offline tinam7

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Re: He is so childish.
« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2014, 12:09:09 PM »
This is very tough. I need to think to see what recourse there may be. Sure feel for you.
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