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Author Topic: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations  (Read 438 times)

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Offline VeryScary

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Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« on: April 07, 2014, 08:00:50 AM »
I've spent the past five days ruminating over the potential results of my endometrial biopsy. I'm supposed to know smething tomorrow but I'm just feeling like it's all going to be horrible and I'm going to find out I need surgery at the end of the week and then it will be too late anyway and you know the rest...

I made a promise in 2011 that I would not hurt myself ever. I've done really well with that.

But all weekend I've been thinking about just taking a lot of pills or even about rat poison. It is so hard to type that. But it is true...the idea of waiting to learn about my doom is so horrific to me. I'm shaking. Crying. Can't eat. All I can think about is the moment she tells me...and the moment my knees get weak...and the moment I have to tell others what I'm dying from...

I haven't called a hotline or anything yet because I don't feel like I'm a huge threat to myself...but this is just in my head. Please folks send me some love...I need it so much right now...I swear...

Has anyone else gotten so distressed, particularly with the not knowing, that ending it all just seemed like a better option???
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Offline xxAmyxx

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2014, 08:10:32 AM »
Hang in there, you're going to be ok.

I'm waiting on blood results myself and am terrified.
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Online mollyfin

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2014, 08:15:00 AM »
I've been in that situation before.  What I always tell myself is "you can always do it later."  If the results are bad, or something else is going horribly wrong in my life, well, I might as well at least wait until I know for sure it won't get better!  So far that's worked for me, obviously, since I'm still here. 
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Offline VeryScary

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2014, 08:21:23 AM »
@MollyFin that's one approach...sometimes I wonder which of the things upsets me more...the concept of the illness or the confirmation of my worst fears or just the waiting, etc.

Yesterday and today I was hopeful that I would get in a wreck and die. It's raining really  hard here today and I tried to hit all the standing water.

That's really effed up. But that's what it is for me right now.
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Offline greend

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2014, 08:30:31 AM »
Ya, hang in there VeryScary. You will be fine. I can sure relate to you though. I have a mammogram today and will have to wait a week for the results. I wouldn't 't normally be so upset by this except two years Ago I got a false positive that sent me through the roof.
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Offline VeryScary

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2014, 08:35:38 AM »
God I haven't had to start mammos yet. Assuming I live long enough, that's a whole new type of hell. Yippee!

Sometimes I get angry about all of this. It's almost like I'm convinced they're taking a long time on purpose.
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Offline VeryScary

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2014, 09:38:51 AM »
I broke down and called. Still nothing. Certainly going to have to wait until tomorrow. WHAT IF THEY AREN'T IN THEN????????????????????????????????????????

I contacted my old psychiatrist about trying to get a small prescription for xanax or klonopin. It will be SMALL so I won't be able to do anything with it but get myself to sleep. Do you all think this is a good idea?

@Mollyfin and @Amy - I knowo it will come as no surprise to you that I've been stalking your old posts since they have to do with girl stuff. When you went through this stuff, were you convinced that it was deadly too???

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Offline Sunlover

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2014, 09:53:34 AM »
I had to look at some of your old posts to see exactly what was going on here and why you got the biopsy.  Well, if you had spotting for YEARS and nothing got any worse, and you have no other symptoms, sounds like a hormonal imbalance to me!  AND a biopsy will be able to determine that.
If you think it could be uterine cancer I think that is HIGHLY unlikely because that presents with BAD bleeding!   A lady I knew who had it ended up in the emergency room because she was hemorrhaging.   And even then all she needed was a hysterectomy.  She's fine.  No chemo, nothing.  That was 2 years ago.
You know it really irritates me, you can talk to someone face to face across the globe in a matter of seconds, they can put man on the moon and explore Mars, but they can't give someone a test and have immediate results????   That is one thing that REALLY gets to me!  I am very angry FOR you!
Yes, call your psychiatrist and get some Xanax!
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Offline VeryScary

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2014, 10:04:45 AM »
Thanks @Sunlover ...I also get angry that we can do all these amazing things but we can't do something as basic as not have to keep a person waiting.

Reading about intolerance of uncertainty  has been helpful to me. My mind has just gone so far into the negative that I can't really conceive of anything but the worst case scenario. I've tried and tried and tried to think of it in other ways. But I keep coming back to the same place.

I reached out and I may reach out to my current psychologist as well to see if she might know who to reach out to...
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Offline Sunlover

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2014, 10:13:17 AM »
Someone somewhere is probably making money by keeping people waiting.  Money is the be all, end all - people don't matter.  If it were cost effective to give results quickly, then you'd be getting results before you got off the table!  (I'm getting mad...)
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Offline xxAmyxx

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2014, 10:16:51 AM »
Yes! During the wait for my biopsy results I thought it DEFINITELY had to be something terrible, it couldn't be anything other than something bad b/c of my symptoms. I was so happy when they called to say that they got a polyp, everything benign.

I don't blame you for stalking old posts, I did the same thing!!
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Offline VeryScary

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2014, 10:23:33 AM »
Yes! During the wait for my biopsy results I thought it DEFINITELY had to be something terrible, it couldn't be anything other than something bad b/c of my symptoms. I was so happy when they called to say that they got a polyp, everything benign.

I don't blame you for stalking old posts, I did the same thing!!

I was encouraged that your story had a good outcome. I'm trying to hold on to these things. There is a group that meets here (I'm in ATL) for OCD on Mondays and I'm going to go tonight. It's in the same building as my old psychiatrist so hopefully I might be able to swing by and get drugs.

Ahhhhh. AHHHHHHHHHHH. *screaming*

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Offline ColdHands

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2014, 11:59:39 AM »
Why would you want to kill yourself or shorten your life if you are really sick?

People who are really sick do everything they can to get one more day, one more hour. 

I have a biopsy in two weeks due to the fact I have autoimmune liver disease.  they have told me I have it, basically they are doing a biopsy to see what stage I'm in.  I could react well to the meds or I could need a new liver in 5 years. 

I would do anything, ANYTHING to not have this happening, or to get a full life with my husband. 

***** is never an answer to anything.  Even thinking about it.  I know I what its like to be so scared you are ready to just be over it.  But look at it this way.  If you are really sick, you will get a resolve about things you have never had.

Getting my diagnosis grew me up in a hurry.  I still have issues with anxiety.  But when you really have something, it changes everything.
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"There is just one more thing that bothers me."  Columbo

Offline VeryScary

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2014, 12:52:16 PM »
I don't have the strength to go through illness. Right now, my feeling is if they tell me it is c word or that I have to have a hysterectomy, I may go head and do it.

I don't want to hurt my family. I would miss my girlfriend and my cat and stuff. But at this point, I can't take waiting for a test- so how would I take all this c word sh it???

I don't believe in heaven or hell. Maybe reincarnation? I don't want to go on like this.
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Online mollyfin

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Re: Waiting for biopsy result - suicidal ideations
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2014, 09:34:15 PM »
I've gone through fears of endometrial and ovarian cancer.  I had neither.  Endometriosis, which I'm still living with (had surgery to remove it but it grew back), and HPV which has since cured itself. 

I'm having a *****-would-be-better day myself; tired of lymphoma.  But hopefully we'll both get through this.  Odds are we aren't sick.  But if we are, we'll figure out how to deal with it, and if we're not, we'll figure out how to deal with THAT. 
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