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Offline hizzy

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Running at about 60%...
« on: April 02, 2014, 11:13:08 AM »
Hi, everyone.  I've been away from the message boards for a while, doing well with my anxiety, and receiving great support from my boyfriend, family, and friends when needed.

Over the past few months, I have felt myself start to slip downhill.  As I sit and type this, I have the racing heart and on-edge feeling that comes along with my typical anxiety.  I feel tired all the time -- Feeling anxious takes so much energy.  Some nights I sleep well, but most nights I don't...And I feel like I dream all night long, which makes my brain feel unrested.  I have also had tons of difficulty with memory, focus, and decision-making at work...This has been typical of my anxiety in the past when things are going downhill.  My day-to-day client interactions are just fine...I enjoy them, and they aren't draining for me at all.  But because I also am a supervisor for the program I work in, I find the administrative parts of my job really taking a toll. 

I've been facing stressor after stressor in my personal life over the past few months...the whole "when it rains, it pours" feeling.  In the past 2 weeks, I've been trying to help my family cope with my cousin being involuntarily hospitalized for bipolar disorder (and also keeping my self-care boundaries firm), been trying to plan for a trip out of state (travel is an anxiety trigger for me), and now helping my boyfriend cope with grief as he faces news that his dog has terminal, aggressive bone cancer.  Then yesterday, my boss sent me a last-minute email at almost 5PM saying she needs to meet with me to talk about my program's productivity today.  I am currently waiting for her to arrive from a meeting elsewhere so we can have that chat.  We've had a round of layoffs at my company, and I'm terrified that round two could be approaching...Or worse, that programs who are losing money will be closed (I work for a non-profit mental health agency).

I think really I returned to the forum because I know it is a place I can get out what's in my head to people who understand.  I feel like about 40% of my life right now isn't "ME."  With my boyfriend and family dealing with their own intense stress, I feel less inclined to ask to lean on them.  Last month and this month, the pharmacy gave me generics of my meds made by two different manufacturing companies.  I had been on the same generic venlafaxine for almost 2 years prior to this, so I'm not sure if there is a different level of the active ingredient that is making it harder to cope in addition to the added stressors.  I think my worst fear is that I've just run my course on this medication and that it will be time to try something new...I could find something that works great with the first new med, or I could go through paralyzing anxiety while I try umpteen different meds hoping to find the right one.  I don't think I'm being overly anxious about that thought, just trying to be realistic.

In the meantime, I try to use my coping skills as much as possible to keep me calm...But now, just coming to the work in the morning is a trigger, and it feels like my brain goes to anxious mush on days when I don't have as many clients scheduled and have to attend meetings about revenue and expenses.

At any rate, I appreciate you all reading my vent session, and if you have any feedback or helpful words of support, they would be very welcomed at this time! :) Hope you all are doing well!

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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Running at about 60%...
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2014, 05:34:09 AM »
Well it sure seems like you have a lot going on in your life right now. It seems like you are helping everybody else accept yourself. Which can happen. We put so much time and effort into sorting problems out for other people that we forget about our own issues, which are bubbling up in the background. You are taken things on at a time when you shouldn't be. The most important person always has to be us. If we are not 100% or close on that we are not much good to anybody else. I understand you can be placed on the spot. May feel like you have no choice at all. But there are times we have to stop. Put those breaks on. Take a step back and think about our own problems. We have to say ' no ' at times to others if we know it will only add to our own stress. That you will help them at a later time. Now is just not a good time. You have too much going on. I know it can be hard to turn people down. People don't like doing it. But if it means us getting ourselves together then it has to be done. Just have a think about it. As for your medication. Various medication comes under many different names. Some types have four or five different names. You say it is not really causing you any problems. Yet you mention. So it must be on your mind. Been on your mind could cause anxiety in itself. The reason they switch the medication is cost. To carry a certain name on the medication would mean they would have to pay more for it. Which would mean charging you more for it. But as to if it is time for new medication? Only you know the answer to that question. Either it is working for you. Or it is not working for you any more. If it is not, have a word with your doctor. See what answers you arrive at. But remember to allow yourself time and not to be taken on so much all at once.
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