Then I became a hypochondriac.
I've always been a scaredy-cat, mysophobic but it got worse recently. Like 10x worse.
At age fifteen I began thinking about my adulthood, my career path. My main objective was to become a pediatrician. I was recently all set to start pre-med. I had some textbooks I wanted to buy, I had seen autopsy videos so I wouldn't be too scared, I was looking into a school.. Then this year happened.
It started out fine but I started getting symptoms and that made me worry. I began worrying I was dying and for the first time in my life I seriously lamented my morality and wondered what happens after death; which in my opinion is nothing, however I never thought of the serious implications because death seemed like something that was 50+ years in the future. I realized everything could kill me - one day I could be fine and another dead - and I got worried. What if I did have a terminal illness? What if it was cancer? What if doctors were misdiagnosing me as having anxiety related symptoms? I'm slightly worried I'll have a relatively short life even if I'm fine now, as I was a preemie and I suffer from generally below average health.
I've gone through days of normality and days of sickness since the beginning of the symptoms. When I'm feeling good - no headaches, no chest troubles, no general ill feeling, no anxiety - I'm a normal kid. When I'm feeling sick my brain goes to the gutter which makes me sicker.
My hypochondria has ruined my want to be a doctor. I can't be around corpses, they'll just remind me of my morality. I can't dissect people.. I can't deal with sick people or dying people. I don't know if I can get over this or I should go with a backup-career. I'm reluctant to see a therapist about this; I can deal of it on my own.