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Author Topic: absolutely HORRIBLE night. long depressed rant.  (Read 168 times)

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Offline corwin

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absolutely HORRIBLE night. long depressed rant.
« on: March 20, 2014, 01:06:55 AM »
i haven't had a night this bad in a while. it's hitting me right in the face how incredibly depressed my health anxiety has made me. i'm a complete hermit with no friends, no social life, no accomplishments, because i'm so scared that i'm dying that i can't even allow myself to really LIVE. the fear of having a brain tumor is so pervasive, it's with me at all hours of every day, i can't concentrate on anything but that once the anxiety hits at full force. i'm only 21 years old and i have NO life. i should be out enjoying life and yet all i do is obsess over dying. it's sucked all the passion out of my life and i'm so sick of it. i'm sick of having nights where i just cry uncontrollably because i can't DO anything that normal 21-year-olds are able to do. i've pretty much convinced myself at this point that i'll never have a relationship because who would want to be with a neurotic basketcase as me, who can't even go out in public without being 100% preoccupied with whatever fun and wacky symptom i'm experiencing at the time.

i'm too scared to even get a job because i know i'll just feel sick and dizzy and anxious all the time and make a fool out of myself or just drop dead in the middle of a shift. so i've just holed myself up in my room where nothing can touch me but the loneliness is the worst it's ever been and i don't know how much more of it i can take. i've let myself become a victim of my own anxiety and that was something i never wanted to become, but here we are.

in short, i feel like i'm on the verge of a complete breakdown and the depression is just overwhelming. the frustration, the anger, the jealousy of people who can live normal lives - it's getting to be too much. i'm not going to hurt myself but god i don't know how to get out of this awful loop. i want to get back to my old self but i feel like that's never going to happen at this point because i remember so viscerally what that panic feels like, how intense my fear of death is, how my OCD only exacerbates that anxiety even FURTHER. i feel like a complete and total freak unworthy of forming normal relationships with people because i'm just not cut out for them. i'm too obsessed with my health. i'm too worried about when my next inevitable panic attack will come and humiliate me. i used to be such a passionate person and now i'm just a fucking husk of a human being who can't function, who can't even go to the grocery store without worrying about suddenly getting an aneurysm and dying in the middle of the store.

and to top it all off, i don't have health insurance. no therapy for me!

i just want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum like a child because i'm so DONE with feeling like this, yet the harder i try to get better, the worse i get. it's a lose-lose situation and i'm at a loss of what to do with myself anymore. the symptoms are too real for me to pass off as anxiety, and the certainty that i'm dying of some undiagnosed tumor has completely ruined my life. and i let that happen all on my own.

wow and AS i'm typing this i see a flashing light out the corner of my eye. what next. seriously, what next.
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Offline anagargano

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Re: absolutely HORRIBLE night. long depressed rant.
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2014, 01:44:15 AM »
You poor thing. What makes you think you have a brain tumour, thye are extremely rare at the best of times and for a 21 year old even more so . Take a breath... you have anxiety and depression ...the list of symptoms for those 2 diseases are very long and you can probably find all of your symptoms in those lists.....why cant you go to the doctor ? I am in Australia so we can go doctor for free so Im not sure waht you mean you cant afford to go to the doctor , cant your family or friends help with that> .... Do you eat well and exercise ? Exercise is soo  good for both anxiety and depression. Any hobbies you love or used to love >? distraction is also good.....anyone you can just chat to openly ....let it out.....I know you dont feel like doing any of these things right now .....but you have to its for your own good .....for your future you are only 21 and you have a lot of life to live ..... good stuff bad stuff lots of stuff..... years of life !!!!
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Offline corwin

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Re: absolutely HORRIBLE night. long depressed rant.
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2014, 03:33:33 AM »
thank you for replying, i'm really embarrassed for having made this post and almost deleted it before i saw that you took the time to try and help. i really appreciate that.

in theory i COULD go to the doctor if i needed to, but without health insurance the cost would be enormous and it's just something i can't manage at the moment. we'll have insurance SOON but...not soon enough to assuage my anxiety. but within the next few months at least, so i think i can hold out till then. i'm trying to think of it as an exercise to KEEP me from rushing to the ER over every little thing like i used to in the past when we actually had insurance. trying to look at the positives of the situation, even if they're scarce.

for the time being i'll just try and focus on the things i do like to keep my mind some semblance of occupied instead of in full-on obsession mode. i've been planning on joining a gym down the road soon so i think that'll help once i get that going for me, hopefully.

thank you again for replying, i seriously appreciate it.
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Offline anagargano

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Re: absolutely HORRIBLE night. long depressed rant.
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2014, 04:30:13 AM »
NO probs glad u r feeling little bit better !
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Offline halesy

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Re: absolutely HORRIBLE night. long depressed rant.
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2014, 10:32:09 AM »
I know how you feel. I'll be 21 next month and i have some days where i just think "what's the point, i'm going to die".  It's really a scary thing to be this obsessed with dying at such a young age. I don't know how i'll get by when i'm older. I can't even hear about someone dying without going into a downward spiral.

I just tell myself that I didn't used to be like this, and I won't be forever :) it just takes time and i think the more we realize that it's our anxiety that makes us feel this way, we can manage it. Just be patient :)
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Offline ashmaster

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Re: absolutely HORRIBLE night. long depressed rant.
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2014, 02:40:33 PM »
I'm 25 myself and I have these same sort of feelings sometimes.
I find being alone  makes them worse. like alone in the grocery store ect...
lately my HA has been a lump in the throat something i cannot shake and I'm still not entirely sure its just anxiety so I have to once again just like i did before go through a barrage of tests like when i was so dizzy i could hardly walk some days.

We are too young for this sort of thing! when i felt the best anxiety wise is when i started thinking i don't care if I die or not. Its a sad thought but once you stop caring anxiety seems to go away..
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