i haven't had a night this bad in a while. it's hitting me right in the face how incredibly depressed my health anxiety has made me. i'm a complete hermit with no friends, no social life, no accomplishments, because i'm so scared that i'm dying that i can't even allow myself to really LIVE. the fear of having a brain tumor is so pervasive, it's with me at all hours of every day, i can't concentrate on anything but that once the anxiety hits at full force. i'm only 21 years old and i have NO life. i should be out enjoying life and yet all i do is obsess over dying. it's sucked all the passion out of my life and i'm so sick of it. i'm sick of having nights where i just cry uncontrollably because i can't DO anything that normal 21-year-olds are able to do. i've pretty much convinced myself at this point that i'll never have a relationship because who would want to be with a neurotic basketcase as me, who can't even go out in public without being 100% preoccupied with whatever fun and wacky symptom i'm experiencing at the time.
i'm too scared to even get a job because i know i'll just feel sick and dizzy and anxious all the time and make a fool out of myself or just drop dead in the middle of a shift. so i've just holed myself up in my room where nothing can touch me but the loneliness is the worst it's ever been and i don't know how much more of it i can take. i've let myself become a victim of my own anxiety and that was something i never wanted to become, but here we are.
in short, i feel like i'm on the verge of a complete breakdown and the depression is just overwhelming. the frustration, the anger, the jealousy of people who can live normal lives - it's getting to be too much. i'm not going to hurt myself but god i don't know how to get out of this awful loop. i want to get back to my old self but i feel like that's never going to happen at this point because i remember so viscerally what that panic feels like, how intense my fear of death is, how my OCD only exacerbates that anxiety even FURTHER. i feel like a complete and total freak unworthy of forming normal relationships with people because i'm just not cut out for them. i'm too obsessed with my health. i'm too worried about when my next inevitable panic attack will come and humiliate me. i used to be such a passionate person and now i'm just a fucking husk of a human being who can't function, who can't even go to the grocery store without worrying about suddenly getting an aneurysm and dying in the middle of the store.
and to top it all off, i don't have health insurance. no therapy for me!
i just want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum like a child because i'm so DONE with feeling like this, yet the harder i try to get better, the worse i get. it's a lose-lose situation and i'm at a loss of what to do with myself anymore. the symptoms are too real for me to pass off as anxiety, and the certainty that i'm dying of some undiagnosed tumor has completely ruined my life. and i let that happen all on my own.
wow and AS i'm typing this i see a flashing light out the corner of my eye. what next. seriously, what next.