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Author Topic: Hello Everyone I am New Here  (Read 169 times)

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Offline darknight723

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Hello Everyone I am New Here
« on: March 15, 2014, 07:11:12 PM »
Hello there.  I am happy to find this forum to speak with others about anxiety.  Here is a shot at my story.  I have had anxiety as long as I can remember.  First memories are of insomnia as a child of 5 or 6.  I believe my first panic attack happened the night before I went to middle school.  I stayed up all night crying and inconsolable.  Middle and high school were understandably difficult, but I made it work with moderate success. 

When I finished high school the anxiety reached its first plateau and blossomed into a depression.   I was living with the folks, skipping classes, staying in bed until 2 in the afternoon.  I started to see psychologists at the age of about 20.  I didn't believe I could be helped.  It was the early nineties and anxiety wasn't as readily diagnosed in the town I was living in.  I was treated for the depression but not the anxiety. 

In the meantime I latched onto my first real girlfriend and tumbled headlong into a bad marriage.  We moved together to Oregon, my first experiment in running away from my fears.  The anxiety of course followed me out West and peppered everything I tried to do with irrational fear and doubt.  My marriage suffered, she was unfaithful.  I left the states and wandered around Europe for a while.  Meeting strangers seemed easier because I didn't have to invest in the relationships, they didn't have to know me in any depth.  I didn't have to admit my fears. 

I came back to the states and to the same bad relationship.  I found relief in the rut that I all ready knew.  I was ready to accept this was all I would ever have.  She kept cheating and providing emotional abuse.  I worked in a dead-end job and floated along mired in doubt and self-loathing.  One night her and her lover butt-dialed me in the throes of passion.  That was the moment I decided I needed to protect myself and take back whatever was left of my life.  I found a therapist and together we discovered I was suffering from GAD and had been probably my whole life. 

Armed with a name for my condition I fiercely dove into a program of CBT and Paxil for my daily panic attacks.  I dealt with dizzyness, nausea, suicidal idolatry, self-hatred, shakes, insomnia, voices, confusion, anger, muscle tension and headaches.  I kept moving forward and fought it.  I got myself to a good and manageable place.  I divorced my wife and moved to my childhood home.  For a year, I rebuilt and worked on my CBT program.  Lost and alone, still feeling the GAD every day, I moved West again to begin graduate school.  I met my future wife, got a teaching degree and have been living in KY ever since.

Now I feel the GAD creeping back into my life again.  I hear and see it effecting my social interactions.  I see the thought-loops and obsessively game every situation to its hypothetical end.  I see avoidance strategies moving back in and making themselves at home.  I don't like it. 

To me, the loneliness is at the core of my greatest fear.  Though I deeply love my wife and family, they cannot give me the connection to others who suffer the same thing.  I don't want to fight it again, but I will.  I hope if I have the support of others, who are chased daily by troubling thoughts it will be that much easier.

Thank you for reading, if you made it this far.
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Online Cuchculan

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Re: Hello Everyone I am New Here
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2014, 06:45:30 AM »
Welcome to the forum. Good to have you as a member. Here you are with like minded people. People who understand. As we all suffer from something or other. So feel free to ask any questions. Our members are always willing to help others out. Good chatroom too. 3 posts to enter the room.

Find the correct section of the forum that suits your condition and create a new topic on it. This is just a welcome section. Never really get the same amount of help in this section as you would on the other sections of the forums. So whatever one suits the questions you are asking. Get much better answers.
All users of the chatroom must be 18 years old or over. The room is off limits to anybody under the age of 18.

Possibly 10 posts to enter chat at the moment.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue