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Author Topic: Relationship issue after 2 years  (Read 203 times)

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Offline Hypo84

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Relationship issue after 2 years
« on: March 13, 2014, 09:14:33 AM »
Never posted before on this part of forum, never needed to really. I suffer from hypochondria and I will try to be as short as possible since it is relationship issue.

I have been with a girl for 2years and 3 months and it's her longest relationship and mine too, although she had only 1 for 6 months and I had almost 2 years.  I am 7 years older than her, 29 currently she is 22. But as my therapist would say I am emotionally around 21 so no age difference in that. :)

At the beginning of our relationship I was very cold, then I started opening up, but haven't opened up fully until approx. 6months ago when my therapist encouraged me to tell her that I have hypochondria and to open up more and that it will improve our relationship. So I did, and when I opened up, I fell in love with her and started showing that.

Here comes the issue part. After some introductory talk when I asked her what's wrong she said that she doesn't really like that I changed so drastically in the past months, and the reason she finally said later is she is scared, because she doesn't know if she wants to marry me or not. I was shocked really since although I am 29 I haven't thought about marriage that much (that's why I am emotionally 21).

Here is the thing she said to me...Her aunt when she sees her always says...ah you too are gonna get married (I never was there so I didn't know), also her friends are telling her that she should know if she would marry me or not. She said to them that she loves me but she doesn't know if she would marry me and she wants to marry in the future and not right now and she is afraid that if she would say yes she would feel obligated to marry me even if something goes wrong in the future. Also her friend told her that I am older than her, expecting to get married soon (she obviously doesn't know me) and that if she doesn't know if she would marry me she is basically messing with me and that she needs to know that because then I could move on and find someone that I could marry since I am older. And what if we go and be together for another 2 years and we broke up she would be bad person because of that.

I told her I need to think about all of this and she called me later, scared that I would break up with her. I am really totally confused about this issue. Would she know that she wanted to marry me if she really loved me? From what I picked up she really doesn't want to break up, and since it's her longest relationship she is confused and scared.

As for me, I don't want to get marry right now...I don't have job and I live with my parents and she is in college still. Would I marry her someday? I would marry her because she does have all the qualities I like and she is very beautiful but I can't tell what will happen in the future really.

My therapist is on the vacation (worst time ever to be there), and I really need someone else's perspective on this.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Relationship issue after 2 years
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2014, 10:51:42 AM »
Simple one really. She is telling you she would never want to marry you. Simply tell her back in the nicest way possible that you never ever considered marriage as an option in life. Thus her fears of marriage might just disappear. She is saying she would never marry you. You take that a few ways. But to me it is just her saying she never wants to get married. Neither do you. So let her know this. That you were never even thinking of asking her to marry you. You are happy as you are right now. Then see if she is happy with that. To know you were never expecting marriage as an option in the future. I think it was more other people putting ideas in her head about marriage. That is what frightened her. To hear you have no interest in marriage might relax her mind and things can go back to as they were.
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Offline Hypo84

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Re: Relationship issue after 2 years
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2014, 12:08:20 PM »
Well, it's not like she doesn't want to get married. She mentioned once at the beginning of our relationship that she wants to get married at the age of 25, not before.

It's not like I don't want to get married also at all. I just haven't considered it yet. I would want to live with a girlfriend for a while before marrying her.

What actually does bother me is...does this mean I would want to marry in the future, but I would never marry you. In that case relationship doesn't have a future really, because she wants to get married eventually and I do too.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Relationship issue after 2 years
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2014, 02:08:01 PM »
But I think others are putting her on the spot. Telling her she has to marry you. Asking her when is she going to marry you. Clearly she is not ready for to get married just yet and all these people are getting in the way. This has to between the two of you. Talk it over. Tell her to ignore what others are saying about marriage. As it stands for now you are both happy as you are. Which is not married. Nobody is saying that will not change further down the line. But if it ever does change it has to be because you both want it. Not because of others. It is the other people putting her off the whole idea.
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Offline Hypo84

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Re: Relationship issue after 2 years
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2014, 02:23:49 PM »
Yes, that were my thoughts as well. Thank you very much for your input.
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