Well if you have read any of my previous posts you may know that I try to keep a very positive attitude about my anxiety, and life in general, but tonight it has finally dawned on my that my rose-colored glasses have been blinding me to the fact that I think I am depressed, and actually have been for awhile.
We had a family gathering tonight--about 10 of us went out to dinner to say farewell to a niece who is moving out of state. A lot of my anxiety revolves around social gatherings, and eating in restaurants. So, the apprehension built throughout the day, but of course I am very determined to face things. Italian restaurants are difficult because of my wheat allergy, but I ordered grilled chicken and steamed broccoli. Eating is also difficult because when I am anxious my throat tightens up making swallowing a scary thing. But, once again I fake till I make it, and eat as best I can.
So, in sitting with these people who obviously have no issues with anxiety because they eat their food without holding back---they just go for it with gusto, made me realize I have a problem.
Now, I once was a girl who loved to go out to eat anywhere, anytime---and I would eat, happily. This evening out made me see that I am not the person I once was....also made me see that the limitations that have been put on my life because of anxiety have caused a depression....a depression that I don't recognize because I have denied it, or gotten used to it---or both.
There was a younger couple sitting near my husband and I....they were the spitting image of us back in the day---the day of no anxiety. Kind of saddened me, made me wonder where did I go wrong, and will I ever get back to my old self.
Any words of encouragement would be great; thank you so much!