I've always been somewhat controlled by food in one way or another. I'm not happy unless I can see my ribs. When that starts to go away, I start to panic again. At 21, I'm the lightest I've ever been (which is in no way an unhealthy weight- 109- it's just the truth).
I don't believe I have an eating disorder per say, and that's not the point of this rant, but I just hate being so overwhelmed by the constant need to diet. Even when I'm 'happy' with my weight, that changes very quickly. I always feel guilty when I eat something I know is unhealthy- any type of dessert makes me feel instantly guilty and often prompts another diet. I feel like I waste so much time with this obsession and I have for years and it's consuming me.
The other day I spent the day with my best friend, and as soon as I took my coat off she just stared at me and told me she hadn't realized how much weight I'd actually lost, and told me not to lose any more. When I didn't answer at first and proceeded to brush it off, she reinforced that it was unhealthy. The thing is- her being concerned about the fact that I'm losing weight just gave me satisfaction. Not because I'm aiming for attention, but because I'm apparently successfully losing weight. And through my whole trip home, I had received those comments. From my father (I mean who doesn't expect to hear the "are you eating right" rant from their parents?), to an old family friend I just randomly met at the mall who was shocked that she could "even see it in my face".
And like I said- I was happy. I treated myself a little because I felt like I could handle it.
But now I'm back to dieting and cutting back and constantly watching my calorie intake, always being aware of how much is in the foods I'm eating.
Now I'm ranting.
I guess I just want someone to talk to who understands how distressing the whole thought process is. The never being happy unless you can see bones and the number on the scale dictating your mood for the day. Where I once couldn't go over 120, it became 115, and now I can't bare to see the scale hit over 110. My next goal is 105. I remember thinking I would be happy once I hit my current weight, but the goal only got lower because I can still see that little bit of fat that needs to go.
Like I said- I just want to talk to somebody who knows what it's like I guess.