Hey Lynsey, Welcome to the board.
Sounds like you're facing some uncomfortable battles right now. I'm going to tell you right up front, you battle with your mind, you're most likely going to end up on the bottom. There's a million reasons to think something is wrong, it only takes one reason to tell you your ship is afloat. So hang in there. You're in college. at the age of 18. Good for you, what are you planning on studying?
I'm in college as well, I have started medication, Zoloft, about one month ago and it was hell starting off, I've got a meeting with the psychiatrist on the 21st and we will see dosage there.
Let's chop this up a bit.
Heyy, I'm Lynsey.
I am certain that for most of my life(me being 18 now), i have struggled with, in the least, social anxiety. Not long ago i went through a traumatic experience, i was around 15. I was diagnosed with anxiety, ADD and ptsd and had meds for all.
After moving from Wyoming to Arkansas, me still being 15, i dropped my meds and did fine for a while. After my 16th birthday and after starting the 11th grade, something went wrong. I started driving myself crazy. I couldn't get it out of my head that my mind didn't work right. I thought i was either crazy or mentally handicapped. I thought i had to manually operate my mind. Yeah it was weird. I had a really bad case of dissociation. I felt like i was inside my mind and my body wasn't a part of me.
Were you a pretty shy kid growing up? You've got to take into account your age here. Being a young teenager is stressful enough... your body and mind is developing, It's basic psychology. Add all of which you were diagnosed with at this time and I can see where this could definitely be a very tough time you were going through.
My parents just did not understand what was going on with me. I would cry to my parents almost every day saying things like "I'm not normal", "I can't think", "I'm going crazy". I was so close to getting scanned in a hospital to see if i had anything unusual going on with my brain, and my mom was so close to enrolling me in a mental hospital.
When people don't understand how you feel they can make assumptions, which may lead to their reaction, in a way it's caring, but it seems like it was more of an impulsed reaction, You were fighting a mind battle of anxiety, and that was completely fine. It's your right to be entitled to how you feel, and I don't blame you one bit there.
My therapy brought it to my attention to all those thoughts that i was obsessed with were coming from my anxiety.... Things slowly got really awesome for me.
Therapy is a great way of talking things through and learning to be more assertive and changing your perspective, especially learning how to control your anxiety and your mind. As you stated "slowly" it is a VERY slow process, It takes a long time, but it's awesome to feel that it made you feel great, but you've definitely got to stick with it. It is not a short-term cure that's for sure.
I really tried to change who i was. I go to college with a lot of southern students, since i live in the small farm town of Beebe, Ar. I tried to change my personality to fit all those southern girls around me. All this mental stress drove me into a small depression. I stopped hanging out with people and just stayed in my room(I live on campus). I wanted to return to that person i was at the end of my senior year so bad.
That is a typical social anxiety move. Maybe you often wonder "Do these other girls feel the same exact way I do?" You tried to fit a personality that wasn't exactly you, and it became work. Nobody wants to work to "be themselves". It sounds that you worked hard on fitting in with your click and you fought the complex of who you are and who you were/are trying to be. Nothing wrong with that, it's not even that you did it on purpose, but it will definitely leave the window open for uncomfort and anxiety.
I drove myself crazy again. Now I don't know how to explain how i'm feeling. My mind is a mess. As i write this, there are so many thoughts that fill my mind such as "You don't have anxiety", "You can't have anxiety because you don't have thoughts" and crazy things like that. I'm confused. It's like i'm having anxiety that i don't have anxiety. But it doesn't feel like anxiety.
What does anxiety feel like? Anxiety is what keeps you safe, alert, alive... it is instinct. your mind is working at a million thoughts a second, it is throwing you into hyperdrive. the fact that you're battling what you're really
feeling is anxiety in and of itself. You have anxiety. we all do. You have a little extra tick of it, as do I. So what? Doesn't make you any less of a person.
You've got to learn to accept it. It's who you are. That's not saying "give up" that's saying getting back on the saddle and taking control of it. Don't let it control you.
It feels like truth. I'm trying to relax and just live my life but it doesn't feel that simple. I feel again like my mind isn't normal, but i don't know how to explain it this time. Last time i knew exactly how i felt and it all fits into the category of anxiety. what i'm feeling now just feels like confusion and fogginess.
You are trying to deny what you're feeling and going through. It's not going to work.
Most overused analogy:
If you look at a purple giraffe, there's no two ways around it... your mind is going to think it's a purple giraffe, you can try to convince yourself it's a green elephant but is it really?
You've got a lot of support here. Utilize it. Keep in touch with your doctors and be involved in your therapy. Focus on the good things in life, and that's the only way you can go about living worry free.
Be assertive. know your "yes" and "no"s. There's not one person in this world that can or should try to control how and what you feel.