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Offline ridgerunner

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Please opinions needed
« on: March 05, 2014, 03:34:07 PM »
This has been the worst episode of harm ocd I've had since diagnosed 25 yrs ago.  It's still about the love of my life my 11 yr old son. It has been a little better the past couple days but the nagging scary thoughts are still ruining my days and nights. 24/7.  I am NOT like these thoughts in any way. I am a good loving family guy with high morals.  I've never been violent and never wanted to be. I don't drink or use drugs. I've never been in any kind of trouble. The most important thing to me is my child.  My harming thoughts are usually the what ifs etc.  but I have also had I want to harm thoughts too.  These literally make me question everything about myself.  I mean here I am the guy wo is so proud of my son having the stupid thought I want to harm him.  Then my ocd makes me analyze and question myself every minute of every day to the point I sometimes believe them even tough I know it's not possible. This leaves me so confused depressed and terribly shaky and scared.  It's like my ocd has always gave me the false belief that what I think is true. Just like 25 yrs ago when I first had harm ocd about myself. It made me believe I wanted to harm myself. Then it moved on to my dad. I would have a thought about him and I would take it as oh god I want to harm him. Then that would be the obsession oh god I really wanna harm my dad.  This would leave me feeling so scared nervous and emotionally destroyed.  This is how it still works with my harm ocd. I have a thought and I get scared it means I want to harm someone and my mind takes it as a fear and thus the obsession takes the form if I want to harm my loved one.  This leaves me scared and believing a false thought. Does this make sense to y'all?   The thing I keep asking is why am I thinking this crap. I know it's crazy to think such things and it has made me avoid time with my son a little.  I have all the proof I need to know that it's not real desires but ocd makes me doubt everything.   

Proof it's ocd
1.  I constantly analyze these thoughts 24/7
2.  I have to confess each one to family
3.  I google all the time for answers
4.  These thoughts scare the heck out of me
5.  I've never been a violent person out of 43 yrs
6.  I've had harm ocd, HIV ocd, rocd, pocd, health ocd, etc at different times throughout 25 yrs
7.  I love my child more than life

Proof it's not ocd
1.  I have no proof it's NOT ocd

Does this sound typical if harm ocd.  That sometimes ocd makes you feel like you believe things you know can't be true.  That sometimes you feel so distant to everyone especially who it's about.  I really need some opinions. 

I meant to also say that when it leaves at night I feel like my old self again and I know it's all ocd. Then when it comes back it's square one again
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Offline Leo99

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Re: Please opinions needed
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2014, 03:56:21 PM »
I understand your pain and doubts as I was in a similar position (and have already mentioned that in your other threads).
What you need to accept is that searching for proof/ reassurance seeking is not helping. In fact, in the long term, it makes matters worse! The instant relief of a few minutes or hours is not worth falling deeper into this vicious cycle.
What does help? Letting the thoughts buzz at the back of your brain. Not looking for reassurance. CBT (well, that's my personal experience). Some people turn to meds.
OCD can cause great suffering but there are ways out. Since you've had more than 2 decades of experience, you probably tried some of the coping options?

I hope you find the path that works for you and feel better soon!
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From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
(E. A. Poe)

Online crikee57

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Re: Please opinions needed
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2014, 04:03:25 PM »
I am sorry to hear the struggles you are going through.  First let's look at the fact that you have all evidence that it is ocd and nothing more.  People have thoughts all the time of things they would not do.  From everything you say the harming of others is against your very nature.  The likelyhood that you would do something that you are so opposed to and are fundamentally against is almost impossible.  Second - this is not the first time you have had these thoughts and you have never before acted on them.  This is evidence that they are thoughts and nothing more.  Thoughts not actions. 

Have you considered therapy.  Talking to someone about these thoughts and ways to cope with them could be very beneficial to you. CBT has helped me greatly.  Try not to be too hard on yourself or believe these thoughts make you a bad person.  You have no intention of turning these thoughts into actions and that is the key.  Remind yourself of this everytime these thoughts enter your mind.  Hang in there and be true to yourself and who you know you are.
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It's not what's in front of us that stops us.  It's what's inside that holds us back.

Offline ridgerunner

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Re: Please opinions needed
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2014, 04:51:29 PM »
I've had therapy in the past. I have numerous books and I do self erp exercises. I know the ins and ours of ocd but that never helps when I'm in this mode!!!!!!  I always try and think of all of the possible reasons for these thoughts. There are no reasons!! That's what so crazy. Then I'm like oh god maybe I'm psychotic. Then like maybe it's a delusion. All kinds of scary thought!!!  Then at night it goes away and I'm like thank you God!!! Then I know it was all stupid ocd again.  It's weird.  I also take zoloft daily and xanax as needed.   True I have been through harm ocd about pretty much anyone I truly love.  Nothing's ever happened.  If I look back on my 2008 posts they look identical. And my family says I ask the same reassuring questions etc. so I don't know why it feels so much scarier this time. Maybe because it's been so long since I've had an episode???
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Offline Billie

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Re: Please opinions needed
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2014, 05:45:49 PM »
I think it's probably that it has been awhile since you had an episode. Your mind relaxed and forgot, but it's ocd and it's the same as it was then. Just try some of the things that you've learned and I'm sure you'll be feeling better soon.
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Online crikee57

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Re: Please opinions needed
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2014, 05:57:37 PM »
I definitely believe that the thoughts of ocd and anxiety and panic can be much worse when you have a longer spell of relief.  Somehow I think we forget how bad the previous ones were and also feel more discouraged thus making them worse. 

As for being psychotic - I don't think you have to worry about that.  From my understanding, someone who is psychotic would not even ask the question or be concerned about being so.  Perhaps trying therapy again might help.  There are new coping techniques being developed all the time and maybe you might find a new one that works for you. 
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It's not what's in front of us that stops us.  It's what's inside that holds us back.

Offline ridgerunner

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Re: Please opinions needed
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2014, 07:06:19 PM »
Yeah I'm struggling but I'm still gonna make it.  I just picked my boy up and felt good. I could see that the thoughts were intrusive and could tell they weren't real. Well we get home and start eating and I feel my anxiety trying to come up.  Well then the thoughts again. Wth?!  I just don't understand it.  Happy then scared happy then scared on and on. It sucks.  I always tell myself everyone else's harm ocd isn't like this.
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Offline Alexk1989

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Re: Please opinions needed
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2014, 07:53:01 PM »
I've had these thoughts and the one thing that came into my mind right away when reading your experience is that all this time has passed and they have remained just thoughts. They will continue to remain thoughts my friend. Just keep brushing them off as best as you can.
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