basically i've had horrible ocd since i was a child, mainly focusing around health-related things or irrational thoughts of either harming someone or someone else harming me. there have been numerous episodes in my life where i became irrationally afraid of some of my own friends and was terrified that they'd snap and kill me. my mom used to watch a lot of those crime documentaries when i was a small child and i think they've scarred me because i've been a naturally paranoid person ever since. at one point i was even afraid of my boyfriend, who was a very gentle and kind person, killing me because of people like ted bundy who seemed like nice people but turned out to be killers. it all starts with one intrusive thought like that towards someone i love and then i spiral into intense rumination and anxiety.
those fears went away for a little while, but now they've latched onto my stepdad and it's really starting to get to me.
i can't take any sort of joke that anyone makes about being a psychopath or being so annoyed that "they could just kill someone." i take every joke extremely seriously because the moment i hear something like that, i get to thinking that they're being serious but only passing it off as a joke to cover themselves. the thing is, i KNOW it's my ocd, it's not as if i'm having actual paranoid delusions (i was terrified of schizophrenia for about seven months because of this), but sometimes the fear gets so real that i really do start having horrible thoughts of a loved one killing me or turning out to be a serial killer. i play out awful situations in my head and see how i would escape them. i can't stand hearing about crime, either in real life or in movies.
this obsession with my stepdad started with him and my mom watching a movie about some guy who killed people. in the beginning of the movie my stepdad made a joke along the lines of "this movie will explain everything about why i am the way i am" which was only because the guy in the movie had the same occupation as my stepdad. but the moment i heard that and realized the movie was about a murderer, i was in a state of the most ridiculous panic all night, ruminating for hours over how serious he might have been and whether or not this meant he was secretly a serial killer.
and tonight him and mom were joking around as usual, and they have sort of a dry sense of humor, and my mom said something about him being a sociopath and he replied with, "no, i'm a psychopath, get it right." i had to pretend to laugh but in my mind my ocd was going at about ten thousand miles an hour, ruminating and obsessing over that.
i hate this so much. i really like my stepdad and trusted him before that one instance, and now ever since then (a couple weeks ago) i've been reading into everything he says and does to see if i can pick out anything sinister about him. even him admitting that he doesn't really get attached to pets rang alarm bells in my mind because i've read about how psychopaths don't have a regard for living things. i'm making the stupidest connections with everything and it's such typical ocd behavior but it's destroying my positive feelings for him and replacing them with stupid, stupid fear.
has anyone ever had thoughts like these that lean towards paranoia? i know ocd sufferers are naturally sensitive people who read into things, but this is just absurd, especially knowing that this isn't the first time that has happened to me.