This might be long, bear with me. I could use some input or thoughts, anything really.
I'm afraid to say what my ultimate fear is, to put it into words outloud or otherwise. All day long, I repeat to myself "I'm gonna live, I will live" so that the opposite thoughts have no room to fit in. I even have the word LIVE written on my fridge so I can actually SEE it. Sometimes it helps.
So anything and everything I do, I have to be thinking these "good thoughts" or I'll do it again and again until I do. Washing my hands, walking up and down the stairs, touching people, talking to people. You can imagine how exhausting this gets. It's especially difficult if I can't do it again. Say, I touch my husband on his way to work and had a bad thought with it, then he leaves. I freak out until he gets back. Or if I talk to someone at a store or something like that and I know once I hang up the phone I'll probably never talk to that person again and it causes a lot of anxiety.
Lately, my obsessions are time specific. I used to deal with this a little bit, but never to this degree. My current "bad" time is 2am, so I feel like I'm on a countdown to that time. Trust me, it took a lot for me to type that. My thoughts and anxiety are out of control while I wait out the hours. Does anyone deal with that? I try to keep myself distracted, but the what ifs and doubting take over.
I did restart Prozac, I was on it about seven months, then off for a month and it seems like the anxiety and obsessions are even worse than they ever were. Like I used to have more of that, hey it's just ocd, but now that part is so small and the thoughts are overwhelming.
I want to get past this, I want to tell ocd to eff off and do everything it tells me not to and just dismiss the thoughts for what they are, but it is really hard.
Anyway, I was just hoping to have any input and basically just wanted to get this out there.