I don't even know where to start. I can't stop obsessing and it's driving me crazy. I guess it should probably be pointed out that I've been back and forth to different therapists for OCD related problems but never formally diagnosed.
The most major thing is that my emotions are always out of whack. I'm either really excited or I don't care at all. Sometimes I'll be stuck in one place for a long time- there was a period of time where I wondered if I even could care anymore. Another period of time when I was down for months, and I got so depressed that something similar happened: I wondered if I could ever feel happiness again. It sounds melodramatic but that's just how it is. It feels that way at the time, and when it stops, I wonder how I could have been so melodramatic. But at that time, there's no other way to describe it.
Now, here's where the obsessions come in. I have no idea if they are OCD related or not but that isn't the point. The point is that I'm always, always stressed out about my quality of life. I need to make sure everything that happens in the day is perfect and if it's not it really upsets me. I get upset and I almost get to this point where I can say that I hate myself for it. Like I'm just not good enough.
This has been happening for years and I can't handle it anymore. I can't put up with that constant stress and that need for everything to always run smoothly. It won't always run smoothly and some days are going to be ordinary and when that happens, I don't need to feel like I screwed up because chances are, I didn't. I know that logically, but I can't make myself truly believe it.
Each time I go to a therapist, this is the obsession that gets in the way of talking about real issues. I want to get everything right, and in the end, I can't be totally honest with them because I'm closely monitoring each and every thought that goes into my mind, afraid of being overly dramatic or blowing a situation up and having it come across the wrong way. I'm just tired of this stress and obsession and all around attitude ups and downs.
I don't know where I'm going with this at all. I guess I'd just like to talk to someone who knows what I'm going on about.