I need to get something off my chest, sorry if this is a little long-winded. I just am wondering if anyone can relate and share their stories with me.
So I've been in therapy for a few weeks to treat anxiety. It is going pretty well I think, my brain is reacting to meditation and other response techniques I've been trying. It's not all better, sometimes it's just different, my anxiety isn't as predictable as it used to be but it's going somewhere.
One issue I have with my anxiety is memory problems. Like when you forget a word and it's on the tip of your tongue--this for me triggers a panic attack. That happened to me today but it wasn't just a word, it was the entire purpose of my life I couldn't remember!
To deal with my anxiety I like to sometimes use a creative outlet of writing fiction. I've been writing a story during my boring history class about two characters, basically one represents my anxiety and feelings of hopelessness, and the other represents the hope that I have to someday be free of all my psychological problems (I know it's corny, writing fiction is just for me like a diary, I feel uncomfortable writing my own feelings down so I use fake characters as a medium...) but I was having trouble figuring out why the hopeful character was so hopeful, what was her motivation? And then I was about to write down my own motivations to fill in, but I couldn't! It was like my own motivations were at the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't quite remember them and still can't!
This sent me into the worst anxiety attack I've had this year. What am I doing with my life? What is motivating me to move forward, happiness, or something? I still can't remember! Peace of mind, freedom from anxiety? Am I just trying to be financially independent? What has been motivating me all these months that I've been back in school, to attend class everyday? What has been motivating me to even do my homework, what is my goal? Am I having a stroke am I about to die?
Something must have been motivating me all this time! Why can't I remember?! It's like the entire purpose of my life is stuck at the tip of my tongue but I can't quite remember. But if something would just come along and jolt my memory, then I'd be back on track.
Is this normal for anxiety, is this a more serious problem? Does this sound like a brain tumor? What is going on with my brain.