I'm a 25 year old gay guy - I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, which I believe (through research) to be OCD. My psychologist suggested that it is generalized anxiety, but I stopped seeing her and often downplayed what I was really thinking when I spoke to her. In hindsight that was probably not the best idea. My obsessive thoughts up until this point have been related to HIV. Becoming infected with it and infecting others with it even though I am negative.
Anyway - I recently started seeing a wonderful guy after having been alone for quite some time. My HIV paranoia all but disappeared with him and along with it I believed so had my anxiety. The other nigh however, I found myself in a situation that made the anxiety flood back with full force - and now I am battling to tell if I am being irrational and feeling unnecessary guilt or if I actually did something wrong. The thoughts and situation have been looping in my head for the last 3 days to the point that I can't eat properly, I am not functioning at work and cannot think of anything else.
The situation. I went to get a wax the other night from a man who only waxes men. I've been to him before (when I was single) and I knew that he was overly touchy. I sometimes get an erection when he waxes or applies cream in my genital area - which I was informed by him was normal. I've confied online that this happens to a few men in this situation. He always seemed to touch longer than I felt was necessary, but it never went far or felt sordid and so I didn't think much of if. This time going to him was the first time in a relationship with my new boyfriend. I thought to myself on my way to this guy that if he gets too touchy I will just stop him and that will be that. He is cheap and easy to get to, so I figured it wouldn't be a problem. Anyway - after my wax he applied cream and I got an ercetion. I thought nothing of it as it has happened before - but this time he touched me longer than he should have and I didn't verbally react for at least 15-20 seconds before I gestured that it was uncomfortable by pulling my body. It started to feel good which is when I realized that it was a problem. He asked me if I am uncomfortable to which I replied I was a little and he asked why as this is what happens every time I come to him. After this he turned around and got more cream t finish applying - my erection had gone down by this point and I got off the table - went home and told my boyfriend all about it - except for the part that it had felt good and that I suspected he was touchy.
Since then I have been overcome with guilt. Why didn't I react quicker? Why didn't I actually say something instead of just pulling away? Why did it start to feel good? I feel like a disgusting human being and that I don't deserve to be with my boyfriend. He was understanding and told me that my body reacted normally and that the therapist was being inappropriate, but I hadn't told him that I suspected this guy was touchy and that it started to feel good.
Did I cheat? Is OCD telling me I cheated? I feel like I don't deserve my relationship or anything good for that matter and I'm getting physical pain from guilt and anxiety. It wasn't my intention to cheat and deep down I don't think I did. My friends agree I didn't but I can't shake the feeling that I could have reacted quicker or more forcefully or not gone in the first place.
I don't want to bring it up again with my boyfriend in the fear that I make it seem like and issue when everyone has told me it wasn't and that I should move on but I'm feeling the constant need to lay out every detail and thought with him - in the hopes that he confirms I am a horrible person so that I can accept that and move one.
Sorry for the long post everyone.