I'm 20 and this whole thing is embarrassing so no need to tell me how sick I am...
Maybe I should start from the beginning.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, since we were 15.
Our relationship has always been a little rocky, but we love each other and have managed to pull through everything.
3 years ago, I really messed up. I had this online affair with some guy who lived across the country. We never exchanged pictures or talked on webcam or anything like that. It was just emails/texts/etc.
Either way, he found out and it really hurt him.. I never forgave myself for it. So, for the last 3 years I was kind of distant... I closed myself off because I didn't believe he could ever really forgive me. I didn't want to hurt him anymore.
I knew eventually he'd find someone better and probably leave me...
I've suffered with depression since I was 12 and I've always been suicidal. He just finally gave me a reason to hold on...
So, like I said, for the last 3 years things weren't perfect. Then, a year ago some family stuff went down and I had to move to another state over.
Being away gave me time to think about things. I had space to find clarity and really start to work on myself. I have been an immature, impulsive, selfish person and I am tired of burning bridges. The last year, I really started to work on it. I was getting better. I was really trying...
Then he met this girl, M.
I was unsure from the beginning, but I let my guard down when she said how cute she thought he and i were.
She also had developed a crush on a mutual friend of ours, so i thought everything was fine.
I had plans to go visit for Christmas and New Years, so i was looking foward to meeting her. She'd become a good friend to my boyfriend and it was nice to know there were people there for him.
So, things got a little weird right before I went down.
M would talk to me on 0457 from time to time. One day, she asked if i still "fan girled" over my boyfriend (you know, gush over him basically) and I made the mistake of saying no.
She took it to mean more than it did. I am pretty sure that is when she decided i didn't love him enough.
So, right before i was set to go down to visit, she messaged me telling me she suddenly wouldn't be able to see us the entire 3 weeks i was there. It seemed a little sketchy.
So I went down, i had a wonderful visit. i reconnected with my mother. It was nice. i got to be with my boyfriend again and I was finally happy. For the first time in a LONG time I was finally happy.
Then, 2 or 3 days before I left, my boyfriend dropped it on me that he wanted us to go on a "break". nothing official, just to give us time to work on ourselves. He said he had planned it for a while, that he thought once we reached our 5 year (we were a week or so away) we should go on a break and just kind of go over how things were working.. i was devastated. I mean.. I was finally happy again, things were finally perfect...
So then i left.
And it was like overnight he started to act like i didn't exist anymore...
Then, 3 days after i left I was on M's tumblr. She was posting about a "mysterious blonde guy". I knew it was my boyfriend. The next day I decided to check out her instagram and she had posted two photos of my boyfriend. One of them together that said "reunited" and another of them that had the lyrics to a song "Lets be alone together, we can be young forever". I was pissed. I called my boyfriend and confronted him and he told me he had no interest in her and that he would talk to her about it. I made him promise not to see her again.
For the next week i was a neurotic mess. Jealousy and heartache took me over. He had seen her once or twice since he had promised me he wouldn't and I was angry. he kept telling me he didn't know who he wanted... or weather he loved her..
Finally, one night he called me and told me he had blocked me on everything. That he was never talking to me again... I hung up but decided to call him back. he answered. We spent three hours crying on the phone.
The next day, he kept telling me how he didn't feel anything for anyone and that he was just numb.
The day after that, he admitted that the day after I left he had cheated on me with her. He told me that the reason he was acting the way he was was out of guilt. That he couldn't believe that he had done that and he was trying to break up with me instead of tell me because at least then I'd still love him.
So, we talked. It was at that moment that I realized that I loved him too much for my own sanity.
But I did want to work things out with him.
A week or so later he dropped everything he was doing for his college courses and came to visit for his long weekend. Everything was great. We reconnected like we hadn't been in years. I thought everything would be fine.
As soon as he got home, M had called him freaking out. When he got off the phone with her, her MOTHER texted him asking if he would keep talking to her. When he said no, she said that he was obviously not the man they thought he was, that he was M's hero and would "get what he deserves".
It was just drama.
So, two weeks passed. I had a bad night. I broke down and i messaged M. It was stupid. I regreted it as soon as i pressed send. I had written her frantically apologizing for my boyfriend hurting her. I had done it anonymously. So she assumed it was him and freaked out. So I wrote her again, off anon to explain it was me and that i was stupid for writing to her and basically apologizing for apologizing.
So, 3 weeks later and neither of us have communicated with her. But now my anxiety is kicked in to overdrive.
I started to worry that she might have him killed. it was just a passing thought. but it spiraled into a nightmare of obsessing.
Then, a few days ago my boyfriend dropped a bomb on me.
Apparently, the day after he and M has fooled around, she had told her mother. So her mother had pulled my boyfriend aside and i guess told him he "better take responsibility for what he had done." that he needed to act happy because he mad her daughter happy. Then she pulled out her phone and took pictures of he and M together. Even making him kiss her for a photo. I'm still not sure if she knows about this or not...
Either way, I guess the full conversation the night she texted him involved her saying that if I were to contact M again that they had pictures I "probably wouldn't want to see" and that she would use them to make sure he could never be with me again.
But I did contact her. and nothing has happened.
I'm just scared even more though. After finding out how crazy she is.. I'm terrified that something bad is going to happen to him... But I'm not sure if my fears or based on anything serious or if it's just my anxiety disorder taking over because two years ago I thought for sure that zombies were going to kill us...
I just don't know what to do...