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Author Topic: This is going to be long, but I could really use some support..  (Read 230 times)

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Offline Anxiety-iskillingme

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This is going to be long, but I could really use some support..
« on: February 25, 2014, 04:37:14 PM »
I'm 20 and this whole thing is embarrassing so no need to tell me how sick I am...


Maybe I should start from the beginning.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, since we were 15.
Our relationship has always been a little rocky, but we love each other and have managed to pull through everything.
3 years ago, I really messed up. I had this online affair with some guy who lived across the country. We never exchanged pictures or talked on webcam or anything like that. It was just emails/texts/etc.
Either way, he found out and it really hurt him.. I never forgave myself for it. So, for the last 3 years I was kind of distant... I closed myself off because I didn't believe he could ever really forgive me. I didn't want to hurt him anymore.
I knew eventually he'd find someone better and probably leave me...
I've suffered with depression since I was 12 and I've always been suicidal. He just finally gave me a reason to hold on...
So, like I said, for the last 3 years things weren't perfect. Then, a year ago some family stuff went down and I had to move to another state over.
Being away gave me time to think about things. I had space to find clarity and really start to work on myself. I have been an immature, impulsive, selfish person and I am tired of burning bridges. The last year, I really started to work on it. I was getting better. I was really trying...
Then he met this girl, M.
I was unsure from the beginning, but I let my guard down when she said how cute she thought he and i were.
She also had developed a crush on a mutual friend of ours, so i thought everything was fine.
I had plans to go visit for Christmas and New Years, so i was looking foward to meeting her. She'd become a good friend to my boyfriend and it was nice to know there were people there for him.
So, things got a little weird right before I went down.
M would talk to me on 0457 from time to time. One day, she asked if i still "fan girled" over my boyfriend (you know, gush over him basically) and I made the mistake of saying no.
She took it to mean more than it did. I am pretty sure that is when she decided i didn't love him enough.
So, right before i was set to go down to visit, she messaged me telling me she suddenly wouldn't be able to see us the entire 3 weeks i was there. It seemed a little sketchy.
So I went down, i had a wonderful visit. i reconnected with my mother. It was nice. i got to be with my boyfriend again and I was finally happy. For the first time in a LONG time I was finally happy.
Then, 2 or 3 days before I left, my boyfriend dropped it on me that he wanted us to go on a "break". nothing official, just to give us time to work on ourselves. He said he had planned it for a while, that he thought once we reached our 5 year (we were a week or so away) we should go on a break and just kind of go over how things were working.. i was devastated. I mean.. I was finally happy again, things were finally perfect...
So then i left.
And it was like overnight he started to act like i didn't exist anymore...
Then, 3 days after i left I was on M's tumblr. She was posting about a "mysterious blonde guy". I knew it was my boyfriend. The next day I decided to check out her instagram and she had posted two photos of my boyfriend. One of them together that said "reunited" and another of them that had the lyrics to a song "Lets be alone together, we can be young forever". I was pissed. I called my boyfriend and confronted him and he told me he had no interest in her and that he would talk to her about it. I made him promise not to see her again.
For the next week i was a neurotic mess. Jealousy and heartache took me over. He had seen her once or twice since he had promised me he wouldn't and I was angry. he kept telling me he didn't know who he wanted... or weather he loved her..
Finally, one night he called me and told me he had blocked me on everything. That he was never talking to me again... I hung up but decided to call him back. he answered. We spent three hours crying on the phone.
The next day, he kept telling me how he didn't feel anything for anyone and that he was just numb.
The day after that, he admitted that the day after I left he had cheated on me with her. He told me that the reason he was acting the way he was was out of guilt. That he couldn't believe that he had done that and he was trying to break up with me instead of tell me because at least then I'd still love him.
So, we talked. It was at that moment that I realized that I loved him too much for my own sanity.
But I did want to work things out with him.
A week or so later he dropped everything he was doing for his college courses and came to visit for his long weekend. Everything was great. We reconnected like we hadn't been in years. I thought everything would be fine.
As soon as he got home, M had called him freaking out. When he got off the phone with her, her MOTHER texted him asking if he would keep talking to her. When he said no, she said that he was obviously not the man they thought he was, that he was M's hero and would "get what he deserves".
It was just drama.
So, two weeks passed. I had a bad night. I broke down and i messaged M. It was stupid. I regreted it as soon as i pressed send. I had written her frantically apologizing for my boyfriend hurting her. I had done it anonymously. So she assumed it was him and freaked out. So I wrote her again, off anon to explain it was me and that i was stupid for writing to her and basically apologizing for apologizing.
So, 3 weeks later and neither of us have communicated with her. But now my anxiety is kicked in to overdrive.
I started to worry that she might have him killed. it was just a passing thought. but it spiraled into a nightmare of obsessing.
Then, a few days ago my boyfriend dropped a bomb on me.
Apparently, the day after he and M has fooled around, she had told her mother. So her mother had pulled my boyfriend aside and i guess told him he "better take responsibility for what he had done." that he needed to act happy because he mad her daughter happy. Then she pulled out her phone and took pictures of he and M together. Even making him kiss her for a photo. I'm still not sure if she knows about this or not...
Either way, I guess the full conversation the night she texted him involved her saying that if I were to contact M again that they had pictures I "probably wouldn't want to see" and that she would use them to make sure he could never be with me again.
But I did contact her. and nothing has happened.
I'm just scared even more though. After finding out how crazy she is.. I'm terrified  that something bad is going to happen to him... But I'm not sure if my fears or based on anything serious or if it's just my anxiety disorder taking over because two years ago I thought for sure that zombies were going to kill us...
I just don't know what to do...
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Offline kconnors

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Re: This is going to be long, but I could really use some support..
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2014, 07:45:18 AM »
Hi,

Well, I don't think that there is anything to be embarrassed about and I do not think that you are sick . . .

Look  at it this way . . . you folks have been together since you were 15 . . . neither of you have had the opportunity to have had experiences that you have provided you with a context and so you both are acting out more on instinct and confusion than anything else . . .

You are bringing to the table guilt for a online affair and perhaps you have never really figured out why you started it? Something in your relationship that was missing? Whatever . . . . you are bring frustration, anger, and disappointment to the table also over the current situation with M and you act based on instinct . . . .

He is confused and trying to figure out competing pressures from mothers, other women, etc.

And as far as I can see, neither of you know what you want, who you want, or who you are but you want to hold on to the comfort zone of your relationship while having the opportunities to figure out if that is what you both want. . . .

At 20 without the experiences of different relationships and the opportunity to develop coping skills, it is no wonder you are experiencing anxiety . . .

My suggestion, and it is only a suggestion, is that you and your boyfriend figure out what each of you want individually and what you want as a couple but be prepared they might not be the same thing . . . what M will or will not do with respect to photos is irrelevant . . . .if she does something and it is illegal, then call the authorities otherwise she will continue to control both of your lives and manipulate the situation . . . .

My suggestion ---- either formally (with a professional) or informally (with each other) sit down and talk . . . not emotionalized talk, but logic talk and figure out the following:

1.  Do you want to be with him and why? Yes, love is great, but what are you looking to get from the relationship? Is it a case of you wanting him, now that M wants him?

2.  Does he want to be with you and why? Is it a case of him trying to make you jealous of M so you will pay more attention to him?

3.  Can both of you put the past in the past and move on regardless of photos, etc.? If not, then decide that your relationship will be built on guilt which is never a strong position.

4.  Have you considered a break for the right reasons but it has to be a break? People cannot have their cake and eat it too . . . that's not to say that after a break, you folks decide to start with a clean slate and rebuild, but neither of you should be in the position of waiting for the other to decide.

5.  Have you recognized that from 15 to 20 neither of you have really had the opportunity to explore who you are in other relationships . . .yep, I know, first loves can lead to life long relationships but more often than not how we processed relationships at 15 is different from 20 . . . .

Look, you folks need to talk to each other . . . the conversation may not be pretty, but this is not a contest as to who gets the prize of your boyfriend . . . . it is for you to develop who you are and what you want and for him to do the same . . . it will be anxiety provoking but you say you had already started the process before the entry of M . . . so continue it . . . . do it for yourself . . . .having a continuous flow of anxiety will not help the decision making process . . .

Right now, you are in a tumultuous moment of life but you can work it out . . . but you are not sick because of your actions . . . .you are experiencing standard emotional turmoil which, for folks like us with anxiety, is more intensified but you have the strength to move through it and come out with a higher degree of confidence . . . .

Our community here is very welcoming so come back as often as you want . . .we don't have magic solutions but we can do our best to support you as you work through these issues for yourself and then for you with respect to your boyfriend relationship . . .and if M is going to do anything, she will do it regardless . . . get on with your life but do let us know how you are doing, okay? Take care, kc
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Offline Anxiety-iskillingme

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Re: This is going to be long, but I could really use some support..
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2014, 11:39:11 AM »
Thank you so much Kconnors for the long answer (:
I have wanted to sit down and have this talk with him, but being so far away makes it difficult. I'm moving back this weekend though, so I'm hoping closing the distance will help with that aspect.
The thing is, my anxiety is really keeping me from being able to focus on ANYTHING else.
It's not that I'm worried about M.
It's her mother.
She basically threatened my boyfriend (I'm just gonna go with R) to act like he was happy with her daughter. I just.. I don't believe people like that will just "go away". that's unhealthy on soooo many levels..
It's so ridiculous, but honestly I'm worried about R being hurt. M's mother has a lot of money from the looks of it, plus she's a nurse with access to drugs.. It's so ridiculous I know.. but I've been having serious anxiety that she might try and have R killed... It's just the way my head works. It jumps to worse case scenarios...
I don't know what to do anymore..
I'm hoping that once I am back in the city instead of another state over, I can calm down a bit...
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Offline kconnors

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Re: This is going to be long, but I could really use some support..
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2014, 04:41:48 PM »
Well, take it one day at a time . . . you have to make sure that R is not using any of this for an excuse to avoid deciding with you about you as a couple . . . it is hard to focus, but perhaps I might suggest one thing . . . in between now and then, write down your concerns . . . just list them so when it comes time to talk with R, you will have at least gotten them on paper, put them in a logical fashion, and have them to structure your part of the conversation so it is a conversation that leads somewhere . . . one that answers your questions so you can make decisions and one that might prompt R to ask his own . . . there is no guarantee what will be the result but for folks with anxiety, knowing is better than not knowing when it comes to an interpersonal relationship . . . or, at least, that's how I always felt . . . be proud of yourself that you are taking these steps, know that your strength comes in dealing with the issue, and that your living life comes with having some solid ground on which to go forward . . . . as for M's Mom, well, I'm pretty sure if R is not interested in M, then why would M's mom want him around . . . .if it is just to keep M happy, well, unless R wants to be there, this will wear thin very quickly . . . .besides, R has to own up to the responsibility of the decision and if he buckles under to M's mom, well, that will tell you who he is and you do deserve better . . . check in when you can . . .we are here to support you . . . .even if you just want to say hi . . . . tell us as much or as little or as nothing as you want . . . take care, kc
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Offline Anxiety-iskillingme

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Re: This is going to be long, but I could really use some support..
« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2014, 07:59:43 PM »
So I figured I shouldn't make another new thread just for it...
But I'm feeling better about this a bit, except that now I'm stressed because apparently M is running her mouth off to everyone about everything and I really don't want to move back there in 3 days just to deal with more of this *****... I can only assume she's telling them stuff I wish I'd never told her..
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Offline kconnors

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Re: This is going to be long, but I could really use some support..
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2014, 07:55:11 AM »
Consider this . . . . if M is running her mouth off, then you will find out very quickly who your friends are . . . my advice is not to engage . . . she is doing that to provoke you and when a person is provoked, they usually act out without thinking making them look the worst in the situation . . . do things for you and not prove anything to anyone else . . . people will believe whoever they want to believe . . . your approval, as hard as this may be, has to come from you . . otherwise, everyone else in your life will control you and you will end up like one of those little balls in an arcade pinball game . . . everyone sending you in different directions and leaving you to deal with your emotional, psychological, and physical fallout . . . you don't have to be a victim or a martyr . . . you have to do what you consider best for you . . . and, if she is betraying confidences, then learn from this . . . . be a bit more careful when you choose the person in whom to confide . . . remember, you are the gatekeeper to your private life and no one can force you to share confidences  . . .now, what is done is done and use the strength you have to determine what you want as an individual and what you can negotiate as a couple and know that you will go forward as you already have . . . you are feeling better and a bit is great . . . just small steps and build on them . . .. and do let us know how you are getting along . . . .we will support you . . .take care, kc
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