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Author Topic: Someone please respond!  (Read 290 times)

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Offline ridgerunner

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Someone please respond!
« on: February 17, 2014, 03:22:46 PM »
I just have to come out and say it. Can ocd be in the form of I want to thoughts.  It's my harm ocd now. Been diagnosed with ocd for 25 years and I know better than to believe what ocd tries to tell me.   I just wonder constantly about this one thought.  "I want to harm my son" is the damn thought that is keeping me in this ocd loop.  I know what he means to me and I know for a fact that I've never been violent and have never wanted to harm another person animal or whatever for as long as I've been alive. So why is this damn thought so hard to overcome. It's like my ocd tries to make me believe it to scare me even more.  When in reality I can't even write the thought out because it scares me so bad.  I can't even make myself think a harming thought about anyone else.  When I try my mind automatically shouts god know that's crazy.  So why about the most important thing in the world to me.  I couldn't make myself even pull his hair if I tried. That's how much I'm against harming.  It's like my mind has chosen the very thing that is the most scary to use against me.  I always was able to reassure myself by knowing how much it scared me. As in ocd always causes anxiety. Now my ocd is even making me question that.  It's crazy because I am actually worried from dawn to dusk.  I am withdrawn and feel avoiding.  When one month ago I was the exact opposite. I was me the usual caring joking loving peaceful dad.  Now I set all day and wonder what these thoughts mean.  I set and constantly try to prove to myself and I pray every night for them to leave.  So see I don't like these thoughts at all. They are totally against me and ocd just won't let me see that.  Have any of you felt this way????  Thanks
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Offline Leo99

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Re: Someone please respond!
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2014, 04:01:41 PM »
Hi, ridgerunner, did I respond to one of your topics before? I think so.
Well, the thing is, I do not have children but I believe ocd harm intrusions related to own kids can be especially overwhelming. Does your 'I want to' thought manifest itself like a sentence? Kind of like a song you cannot seem to get out of your mind? I had those before and it was awful. But learning as much as I could about ocd and working on my core anxieties, it went away. Remind me, please, are you in therapy or take meds?
Please do not be afraid. Ocd picks on our weakest spots and tortures us with doubt and repetition. I think it's really important we find our ways to cope with it in order to live a meaningful and happy life. You deserve it. And so does your kid.
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From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
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Offline stephtronic

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Re: Someone please respond!
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2014, 06:41:43 PM »
Hi there. Fear of harming your child is very, very common with parents who have OCD! You are definitely not alone in this.

Remember, intrusive thoughts like the one you're having about your son are MEANT to distress you because they're the OPPOSITE of how you truly act and feel! These thoughts are particularly unsettling to you because you care so much about your son, and OCD is just hanging on to that to torment you. Here is a section in an article about OCD that includes testimony from someone going through something similar to you:

"I fear I will harm my baby daughter. I know I don't want to, but bad thoughts keep coming into my head. I can picture myself losing control and stabbing her with a knife. The only way I can get rid of these ideas is to say a prayer, and then have a good thought such as "I know I love her very much". I usually feel a bit better after that, until the next time those awful pictures come into my head. I have hidden away all sharp objects and knives in my house. I think to myself "you must be a horrible mother to think like this. I must be going mad".

So as you can see, you're not alone in this, and you're definitely not a bad person because of it. Here is a link to an article that it may help you to read. There are many articles online about this particular situation.

Please read this! It gives some suggestions for dealing with intrusive thoughts toward harming your children, and you will also be able to see how all of this is just your disorder messing with you and not a problem with who you are yourself!

Remind yourself: This is OCD. This is not me. I love my child. That's why the OCD is taunting me.

Good luck!

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Offline emmmmaaaa

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Re: Someone please respond!
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2014, 10:56:41 PM »
Wow, you sound so much like me! First of all I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, I know how much it stinks! I also have Harm OCD, yet it revolves around hurting myself, and it does result in "I want to" thoughts, such as "I want to die" when I seriously have no desire to die! This is what OCD does, it'll try it's absolute best to scare the living daylight out of you. Since the last thing you would ever want to do is hurt your son, that's the topic that it's going to latch onto!

My CBT specialist recently told me a metaphor that really helped me out: Think of these thoughts as annoying kids on the back of the bus, and you're the bus driver. They'll repeatedly jokingly tell you to crash the bus, which is the last thing you'd ever want to do, as you'd be hurting so many people. You don't listen to these kids though, you just continue to drive the bus to its destination. The moral of this is that you need to continue to drive your figurative bus, as these thoughts can taunt you all you want, but they will never lead to anything, and they can never make you do anything. Also, it may help to try your best to return to your life (I know how hard it is, I missed school on and off for 4 weeks due to my OCD and it was very difficult to get back on track), as when you engage in your normal activities once again, you'll notice that your thoughts will fade! Also, try not to prevent these thoughts, my therapist constantly told me that it's very important to just let the thoughts come, and heck, maybe even encourage them, because A) trying to suppress them will only make them worse and B)the more you encourage them, you'll notice that they are just thoughts and that they have no power over you- I know how crazy that seems, but it has seriously worked for me!

I hope I could provide a little help, as I'm nowhere near a parent, I'm actually just a high school student, but I can imagine how torturous that must be! Best of luck! :)
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OCD // Emetephobia // Hypochondria //

Offline sdd

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Re: Someone please respond!
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2014, 08:47:58 PM »
I just replied to your other thread but yes.  When I was going through harm ocd, it took on the form of "want to" eventually.  It is incredibly common in parents. 
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