Wow, I feel the same way about myself. I avoid having my picture taken like the plague. To top it off, I've been losing my hair for a year and a half, and when that started, so did my latest bout of depression. I've always felt unattractive, and now I'll be bald on top of it. I'm 51 and still compare myself to 20-something-year-olds. People always tell me I don't look my age, and that seems to depress me more, because then I'll go home and examine every flaw, every sign of aging. Are they blind?!!? I can find something attractive in anyone, but I literally HATE my appearance from head to toe. I've had a couple of surgeries and wish I had the money to have more. Still, I know I'd never be satisfied. Being thin isn't everything. I've always been thin but would rather be and project the self-confidence of a heavier woman in skinny jeans walking with her head held high any day.
I know exactly what you are talking about. Jesus I'm 21 and compare myself to younger girls, even younger self. We both know this is irrational, but it's not something we can just stop is it?
I'm still undecided as far as surgery goes, because if it went bad and I wouldn't like the result I would probably ***** and I wish I was overreacting by saying that.
I too am thin, and would trade it any day to be able to walk out with my head not sticking to the floor.
I suffer from BDD myself, no matter how much I a told i am pretty or beautiful or anything i look in the mirror and see a ugly messed up woman. I do not leave the house without my make up on and dressing nicely (not over the top crazy full ball gown but always over dressed ) for example.... when i go to my Psych apointments my hair is done my make up is on I dress nicely, always wear nice fitting jeans beautiful shoes (why i do not know) and obviously smart and maybe too dressy on top (although i do try to hide my bust). But i always compare myself to everybody else and think i look shabby and ugly and worthless. My therapist is working with me on my BDD issues (exposure therapy for BDD who would have thought) I hate myself naked so my therapist makes me stand naked in front of a mirror (not with the therapist at home alone) for 30 seconds each day, it is really hard to do. My therapist also trys to get me to come to one a sppointment every so often with no make up on and in casual wear like jeans and a hoody to make me realise i don;t need to " dress up" to look good. I still can't let my partner see my naked i freak out and panic, im struggling with my body size and my facial features. I find it horrific every day that i actually hate the way i look in every way possible.
on the upside i feel slightly better now my hair has grown back (lost it due to chemotherapy) on the downside i have put on a lot of weight due to medication so i am focusing on that too much these days as well, im curvy and have a bit of a tummy (im bloated too) and i think i look huge when everyone tells me im healthy looking. I jst hope one day i will get over my appearance issues and become the confident person i was 10 yrs ago.
Personally, I sometimes dress up, and sometimes being dressed up makes me feel like I am attracting more attention, and the last thing I want is people looking at me. So in a way I always have an inner conflict, I would spend hours getting dressed and then I would change my mind and walk out looking like a hobo. Then of course, I would walk a few steps and get a panic attack.
I too always had issues with sexuality and relationships, but it's too personal for me to talk about it even online. But I do understand how you feel.
It has gotten better for me too, I still have the same issues, I'm just not depressed every waking moment and it's harder for me to get "triggered" into bad thought patterns by random beautiful people. But on the inside, that huge hate is still boiling and eating me away.
I can't even remember when was the last time I walked the street or spent time with people and felt free, not analyzing how my every movement looks, how I look.