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Author Topic: How I ended up here...  (Read 249 times)

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Offline Sarah_M

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How I ended up here...
« on: February 04, 2014, 01:46:06 PM »
I've had anxiety since I was 9 years old. I'm 23 years old now, so it's been about 14 years living with this. I've had a difficult life growing up. Both of my parents had shitty parents/upbringings, so as you can imagine, they were also bad parents. My dad was very abusive and violent. He never hit me, but he ruined my self-esteem with his words. My memory isn't too clear on this, but I believe that he sexually abused both my sister and I when we were very young. I honestly feel like he has a serious psychological problem. My mother was molested by her step-father from the age of 14-18 and gave birth to my two half brothers as a result. She was used to being abused- that is why she ended up with my father. After my parents divorced, my father tried to be a parent for the first 2 years or so and then proceeded to not care about me or my sister anymore. My mother, not having a childhood, started to act like a teenager- leaving my sister and I in the care of my grandparents a lot. Every man she dated after my father was an asshole. One in particular hated me and I hated him. He was very mean to me and was verbally abusive. I've been over weight since birth and not a day went by in my youth where people would let my forget about it. My father, brothers, aunt, kids at school, my mom's boyfriend- it seemed never ending. I now hate eating and am embarrassed when I have to do so. I usually try to eat as fast as I can to get it over with or hide when I am eating. I still struggle with my weight and beat myself up a lot in my head. I've been seeing therapists on and off since I was a child. I was on Prosac for a while, but didn't like it and was recently prescribed Zoloft. Today was my first day taking it, so I hope that it works. I am constantly anxious and worried about everything. I feel very guilty a lot of the time too. I feel like I can't handle stress as well as others because of my condition, so it builds up inside of me until I am about to explode. I am very quiet about my emotions because I am embarrassed by them. I wish I could just be normal like other people. I have a boyfriend, which is surprising, but I have one. Other than him, I have no friends- just family. I feel like I can't really relate to anyone and have a very hard time even just talking to people. I am not an alcoholic, but when I drink, everyone likes me. It is so much easier to just talk to people. It makes me want to drink regularly. More recently, everything just started to become too much to handle. I felt like I just wanted to run away from life. I started to think about ***** more... I know that I would never have the guts to actually do it and for the few people who DO care for me, I didn't want to hurt them. So, I asked for a leave of absence from work. I am very fortunate that my work will let me do this when I need it. I took 2 weeks off because I couldn't afford to take anymore time than that. Instead of being stressed from work, I am now worried about money, feel very guilty for letting my boss/co-workers down, feel guilty that my boyfriend has to make up for what I am now lacking financially and because I have no money/friends, I am also very bored. So that is where I am right now.

Thank you for reading.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: How I ended up here...
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2014, 05:11:29 AM »
The first thing to be clear on and accept is the fact that you are who you are. If people don't like that, that is their problem. Not yours. What you need to do is learn how to love yourself. I know to some people that can sound a bit big headed. But it is not. We learn to love ourselves for who we are. I picked up on the eating problem. Fact is you are still eating. Why get it over with in a hurry. Slow it all down. This is were you have to learn to be your own person. This is your life. Again, who cares what others think. This is something you have to work on. Accepting yourself for who you are. Then loving that person. You can use affirmations to help you along the way. You can find loads on the net. Ones to do with self love and approving on yourself. Write them down. On sticky paper. Stick them about the house. Each room you walk into you will see positive words looking back at you. But each time you pass one by, you have to say it to yourself. If alone you can say it out loud. This will be feeding the subconscious mind positive thoughts. Pushing to one side all those negative thoughts your mind is full up with. If we were to look at therapy I would look at a type called EMDR. Think that is the name of it. It is used for PTSD. Which I do believe you have a lot of based on your upbringing. That form of therapy is geared towards dealing with such events. So there is help out there. Drink is not the answer. It may help you talk. But to get sucked in by it may land you in deeper problems in the future. So let us see if we can make any changes using affirmations to begin with. Keep a journal of it. So you can see the changes if they happen. The EMDR therapy can be something for the future. No matter how bad things may seem there is always a road back.
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