I've had anxiety since I was 9 years old. I'm 23 years old now, so it's been about 14 years living with this. I've had a difficult life growing up. Both of my parents had shitty parents/upbringings, so as you can imagine, they were also bad parents. My dad was very abusive and violent. He never hit me, but he ruined my self-esteem with his words. My memory isn't too clear on this, but I believe that he sexually abused both my sister and I when we were very young. I honestly feel like he has a serious psychological problem. My mother was molested by her step-father from the age of 14-18 and gave birth to my two half brothers as a result. She was used to being abused- that is why she ended up with my father. After my parents divorced, my father tried to be a parent for the first 2 years or so and then proceeded to not care about me or my sister anymore. My mother, not having a childhood, started to act like a teenager- leaving my sister and I in the care of my grandparents a lot. Every man she dated after my father was an asshole. One in particular hated me and I hated him. He was very mean to me and was verbally abusive. I've been over weight since birth and not a day went by in my youth where people would let my forget about it. My father, brothers, aunt, kids at school, my mom's boyfriend- it seemed never ending. I now hate eating and am embarrassed when I have to do so. I usually try to eat as fast as I can to get it over with or hide when I am eating. I still struggle with my weight and beat myself up a lot in my head. I've been seeing therapists on and off since I was a child. I was on Prosac for a while, but didn't like it and was recently prescribed Zoloft. Today was my first day taking it, so I hope that it works. I am constantly anxious and worried about everything. I feel very guilty a lot of the time too. I feel like I can't handle stress as well as others because of my condition, so it builds up inside of me until I am about to explode. I am very quiet about my emotions because I am embarrassed by them. I wish I could just be normal like other people. I have a boyfriend, which is surprising, but I have one. Other than him, I have no friends- just family. I feel like I can't really relate to anyone and have a very hard time even just talking to people. I am not an alcoholic, but when I drink, everyone likes me. It is so much easier to just talk to people. It makes me want to drink regularly. More recently, everything just started to become too much to handle. I felt like I just wanted to run away from life. I started to think about ***** more... I know that I would never have the guts to actually do it and for the few people who DO care for me, I didn't want to hurt them. So, I asked for a leave of absence from work. I am very fortunate that my work will let me do this when I need it. I took 2 weeks off because I couldn't afford to take anymore time than that. Instead of being stressed from work, I am now worried about money, feel very guilty for letting my boss/co-workers down, feel guilty that my boyfriend has to make up for what I am now lacking financially and because I have no money/friends, I am also very bored. So that is where I am right now.
Thank you for reading.